DS not settling at secondary school

[Marshmallowsandtoast]

DS started secondary school September 2024, has not settled. How long do we persevere before realising it might just be the wrong school for him? Large school, most friends from primary school went to various different schools. He doesn’t want to try extra curricular activities. Has anyone had experience of moving from a large secondary with excellent academic reputation to a smaller school with average reputation?

What has he told you about how it is?
What have his form tutor said? Pastoral support?
Why did you pick that school?

I think not settling is common inyr 7

What form does not settling take? It can take a bit of time to make new friends at secondary. What is he not happy about - social time or lessons? How does he find lessons - is behaviour good?

I would at the very least flag it to school, maybe speak to tutor or head of year and see what they can advise.

It's early days.

I think you need to understand why he is not settling.

If it's related to not making any friends, it's really early days - I would say my DC hadn't made proper friends until Easter of Year 7.

There is no point moving schools unless the move is to get away from something in particular or gain something in particular.

It really is very early days. Just a few weeks. It takes a while for the class to settle down and for new friendships to form.

Mine both settled better after the October half term holiday, not sure why though

Have you spoken to his form tutor and head of year? Would a change of form help before you move school?

What does your DS think about moving schools? Sometimes your initial instinct is right and things don't work out, no matter how much time and effort you invest. Does he feel school is so bad he has to leave now?

We chose the school because it has a good academic reputation but we have always been concerned about the size, 1700 pupils, it is always oversubscribed, it is a selective faith school and DS got a place because of older sibling admission criteria. Sibling in year 10, we went through similar with her, struggled with making friends, period of school refusal, but stuck with it. She isn’t flourishing at school, but academically fine. DS is struggling with the social aspect, we have already spoken to head of year twice, DS is open to moving schools. He is enjoying lessons. I think he wants to like it but he feels like a nobody because of the size of the school and he wants to feel like a somebody, if that makes sense? I’ll speak to head of year again in case there is anything else they can do to support DS.

It's difficult to go from 'top dog' in year 6 where most teachers probably know you to one of many young ones in year 7. Would that be much different at the other school though? Even if it's smaller, there is presumably still 100s of older children. However you have already had experience of the current school, so maybe they just aren't the best in this area.

I would give it a bit longer and see what he might be willing to get involved in. If he can find a niche where he feels seen, that might help e.g. a particular lesson he excels at, a club where others value his help. Last year my eldest transferred to junior school (same kids, totally different school). I was surprised how long it took her to settle as it seemed like a smaller transition. She was not keen for the first term but since then has been much happier. If you do look at the other school, I would ask then specific questions about how they run things to see if it's likely to be better for him.

Following your update I'd give it a bit longer. It sounds like your DS is just coming to terms with having lost his "status" from his primary school.

How are lessons etc organised? My DC went to an even bigger school but it was structured so it didn't feel large - in Year 7, most lessons were in form group and a few in classes mixed in a wider group of 3 forms. So the fact there were 100s of children at school didn't really register. Also bear in mind your child has gone from having 1 (or maybe 2) teachers to having a dozen - they won't know him individually yet as they only see him for a small number of lessons each wekk. It will come with time.

These issues are also likely to continue if you move schools unless you go for a really small secondary, which it doesn't sound like you are.

I wouldn’t discuss any alternatives with him, this is the school he’s going to so he needs to join in etc. Then I’d see where he’s at at Xmas. A friend of mine had similar but he was fine by Xmas.

My daughter was the same. I asked all the other parents I knew - majority the same. Didn’t really settle until Spring. Much better now in year 8. It takes more time than you think. You’re jumping the gun to be thinking of moving after a month.

I agree with others, it's too early to make a change. He might not want "extra curriculars" but joining a club at school (do they have lunchtime ones?) will help him find his tribe. It's really hard settling into year 7 for a lot of kids, just keep a close eye, and keep in contact with his form tutor, head of year, and pastoral.

Thank you all for your advice. Perhaps it is too soon and yes, DS is probably finding it difficult adjusting to losing his status from primary school. It’s not knowing whether our gut reaction is right and to look at other schools or to sit and see. We’ll see how he is after half term holiday.

but we have always been concerned about the size, 1700 pupils,

My son is in the school that have 2025 pupils and it is not uncommon. There is more teachers in such school and larger site

it is always oversubscribed,
Because it is so good

it is a selective faith school and DS got a place because of older sibling admission criteria.

Lucky you.

My son is also in faith CC school and absolutely loves the lesson and says the teachers are great . However, he feels lonely because he doesn't come from feeding local CC primary- most of the kids know each other.
He knows it takes time to make friendships