Disagreeing with Ex over secondary choices

Elfie23 · 2024-10-10T20:47:24+00:00

More of a who do you think is correct? We've looked around our 4 closest secondary schools recently and can now submit the application for secondary school. We are both on the same page for first and second choice ( I'll call them school A and school B) School A is nearest and first choice School B is 3rd closest and second choice Choice 3 and 4 we clash on. School C is our second closest and a lot of people turn their noses up as it's considered a 'rough' part of town. The school itself was ok, not very 'wow' but mostly new buildings and had all the necessary equipment etc. Headteacher didn't have much omph about him and the school apparently has some behaviour issues but got a good ofsted, only bad comment was behaviour. Results tend to be slightly under average. School D is the furthest school and considered to be a in 'nice/posh' part of town. This is a beautiful old building, again all the equipment needed etc. Headteacher speech was results, results, results, all children must be geniuses. Ofsted good and results are average. Saw this school before school C and both said we didn't like it. School C was tonight and while it didn't blow my socks off I don't think it would be a total disaster if we got it. Anyway - spoke to DC and they want the order to be School A School B School C School D Ex thinks A B D C I said I think D would be stressful for DC as they are not overly academic but he said 'I'd prefer that over school C' - I'd prefer DC not to be stressed. What would you do? For context we split up when DC was 6 months, they're now 10 and this is the most time I've spent with him in 9.5 years! Usually parents evenings he don't say a word and he's not had much input in this either until now. His partner works in schools and has provided some good advice and the ofsted stats etc - he just nods along...

ahemfem · 10/10/2024 21:53

Go with what your DC wants

redskydarknight · 10/10/2024 21:56

What are your actual likely chances of getting into any of these schools?
Asking, as if this was where I live, I'd just get into my nearest school, so further down choices would be redundant. if this is the case for you, then just toss a coin or something and don't stress too much over which is your least disliked of C or D.

All schools have to be focussed on results. I suspect the headteacher at school D was saying what they thought parents wanted to hear, and it's not indicative of that school being any more academic (unless they have a lower than average profile, average results is pretty- er- average).

Original poster

Elfie23 · 10/10/2024 22:04

redskydarknight · 10/10/2024 21:56

What are your actual likely chances of getting into any of these schools?
Asking, as if this was where I live, I'd just get into my nearest school, so further down choices would be redundant. if this is the case for you, then just toss a coin or something and don't stress too much over which is your least disliked of C or D.

All schools have to be focussed on results. I suspect the headteacher at school D was saying what they thought parents wanted to hear, and it's not indicative of that school being any more academic (unless they have a lower than average profile, average results is pretty- er- average).

I've looked at how far the furthest child admitted was for last year and we are way further out than that for both school B and D. School B is very popular and in a very densely populated area.
So unlikely we'd get either of those.

School A we are a lot closer than the furthest child admitted.

School C we are a little closer than the furthest child admitted.

I understand that the allocations team look at your choices and if there wasn't space at choice 1, they look for space at choice 2 and so on.

So if we didn't get school A we would very unlikely get school B and then we'd be onto school C

Hope that makes sense.

I'm happy to go along with what DC wants as it's their education and they have to be happy with what is chosen, plus they didn't like school D

OP posts:

Elizo · 10/10/2024 22:05

How likely are you to get to 3/4? Is this a scenario which is likely to not materialize?

Elizo · 10/10/2024 22:07

Elizo · 10/10/2024 22:05

How likely are you to get to 3/4? Is this a scenario which is likely to not materialize?

Sorry just read above. Sounds like you should be fine with what actually happens. Maybe the C/D discussion is not really a big deal??

Fleuro · 10/10/2024 22:09

Yes, consider their feelings, but don't just go with what your kid wants. Your kid is 10 and doesn't have a clue.

I agree with your ex. Yes, academic stress is not good but ime an environment with poor behaviour is much more stressful.

AliMonkey · 10/10/2024 22:10

DH and I are together but when we couldn't agree we went with DC's choice. Despite the fact that it meant DS going to the school I didn't want him to go to and that DH and DS now agree my choice would have been better, I'd still recommend doing that (a) because neither of you have more of a right to take priority and (b) it means DC feel like their thoughts matter. This assumes that you've already discussed your individual reasons for wanting one over the other and no one has been persuaded to change their mind.

Edingril · 10/10/2024 22:11

ahemfem · 10/10/2024 21:53

Go with what your DC wants

We did this

Original poster

Elfie23 · 10/10/2024 22:15

@Elizo

If we didn't get school A I think we'd be really unlucky. It's only 1000 metres away from where we live.

If we didn't get it, we wouldn't stand much chance of getting into school B.
Also looks very unlikely we'd get into school D as it's furthest away and going on last years data we live a lot further out then furthest child admitted.

So if we were really unlucky with school A we'd get school C I think.

I don't feel like it's a big deal, but it erks me that Ex has suddenly piped up after saying literally nothing on the visits and also saying he didn't like school D, but is now being a snob and saying he'd rather that over school C.

Think he's forgotten it'll be me submitting the application at the end of the day!

Urgh, I've tried to be as diplomatic as possible with him, he has 3 kids with 3 different mums. Mum of child 2 refused to look round primary schools with him so they went separate and she ignored his wishes completely - don't really blame her that much!

I'll speak to DC about it again in a day or two and see if she's still thinking the same.
She's with him this weekend and I just hope he's not in her ear the whole time, I'd like her to decide what she would like without any pressure x

OP posts:

Original poster

Elfie23 · 10/10/2024 22:17

Sorry forgot to add school D does have behaviour issues too but slightly better results than school C

OP posts:

clary · 10/10/2024 22:26

From your posts, you are overwhelmingly likely to be offered a place at school A.

If you are not, the next most likely outcome is school C.

So it makes no difference what order you put C and D. And in any case it is very unlikely that you will get anything but A.

allgrownupnow · 10/10/2024 22:28

It's irrelevant and pointless to have an argument about this, just let it go as you will get school A anyway.
And...
Who will be filling in the actual form online? I guessing it's you in which case you can just do what you like.

Bluevelvetsofa · 10/10/2024 22:37

I think D is very unlikely as it’s the furthest away.

A is your nearest and you all agree on it.
You could put B next, because you’re agreed on that, but you probably won’t get it.
C is a possibility.

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2024 22:39

If he’s that detached, does he actually understand that you aren’t likely to get B or D?

Anyway - two votes trump one, so if you and child want ABCD, put that.

Original poster

Elfie23 · 10/10/2024 22:46

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2024 22:39

If he’s that detached, does he actually understand that you aren’t likely to get B or D?

Anyway - two votes trump one, so if you and child want ABCD, put that.

I have explained it and sent screenshots from the county council website to show him distance of furthest child etc, his partner has dug out ofsted reports, but honestly, I don't think he 100% gets it.

I also don't think he knows DC that well and I think in a couple of years time DC won't want to go to his any more or maybe cut down the time, as they are showing signs now but not said anything yet ( I check in regularly and ask how the weekend was etc, they're never overly enthused about going but sometimes say that they've had a good time and did something nice)

OP posts:

Elizo · 10/10/2024 22:47

Elfie23 · 10/10/2024 22:15

@Elizo

If we didn't get school A I think we'd be really unlucky. It's only 1000 metres away from where we live.

If we didn't get it, we wouldn't stand much chance of getting into school B.
Also looks very unlikely we'd get into school D as it's furthest away and going on last years data we live a lot further out then furthest child admitted.

So if we were really unlucky with school A we'd get school C I think.

I don't feel like it's a big deal, but it erks me that Ex has suddenly piped up after saying literally nothing on the visits and also saying he didn't like school D, but is now being a snob and saying he'd rather that over school C.

Think he's forgotten it'll be me submitting the application at the end of the day!

Urgh, I've tried to be as diplomatic as possible with him, he has 3 kids with 3 different mums. Mum of child 2 refused to look round primary schools with him so they went separate and she ignored his wishes completely - don't really blame her that much!

I'll speak to DC about it again in a day or two and see if she's still thinking the same.
She's with him this weekend and I just hope he's not in her ear the whole time, I'd like her to decide what she would like without any pressure x

Yeah I can understand that, exes have form for it. I just don’t see the point of arguing about something which is pretty much hypothetical. Great you agree on school you are very likely to get

Original poster

Elfie23 · 10/10/2024 22:47

allgrownupnow · 10/10/2024 22:28

It's irrelevant and pointless to have an argument about this, just let it go as you will get school A anyway.
And...
Who will be filling in the actual form online? I guessing it's you in which case you can just do what you like.

Exactly what I'm thinking, he'll never know either way what I've put down...
I would have to keep it from DC as well though as they are such a worrier and would worry about it causing an argument etc

OP posts:

allgrownupnow · 11/10/2024 00:00

You can edit the form. Submit the choices he wants, screenshot and send to him. Then change it to what you want.
I wouldn't normally advocate being so duplicitous, but in this instance it seems to make sense to tell a white lie to keep the peace

RockyRogue1001 · 11/10/2024 00:11

I didn't bother reading all your OP or any of the replies.

@Elfie23
I support parents doing this every year for the last 10+++ years
1.
Get your application in on time
2
Choose 4 schools
3
Make as many changes as you like up until midnight on 31/10
4
Don't make any changes after that date.
5
Wait until march to find out where you've been allocated

If you're not happy with your allocation, revive this thread and @ me, and I'll tell you what to do next.

I'd take the child's wishes into your choices. They are the ones who have to live with it.

Good luck x

SheilaFentiman · 11/10/2024 08:13

I didn't bother reading all your OP or any of the replies.

What an interesting approach to a discussion forum @RockyRogue1001