Poor behaviour at school

[Mondayblues6]

My dd is 14 years old and in year 10 at a grammar school. She was great the first year but her behaviour has deteriorated as the time has gone and i suspect she is finding the level expected too challenging. Last year i had to go into school on one more the one occasion for her poor behaviour and attitude. I always support the school in terms of detentions etc and try and punish her by removing phone privileges etc. The last 6 months my husband has been battling cancer and it has understandably been very difficult for us all as a family. Today she has come home and she has been in trouble with her maths teacher on 2 occasions in the lesson. Her teacher said he will be contacting me as he is so cross with her and told my daughter he hopes I will give a suitable punishment at home. I feel such despair as I feel the school think that I should be doing more but not sure what. She is clearly very unhappy but never shows she is upset just gets more disruptive at school. She does have good group of friends and is very sociable. I feel such a failure as a parent right now.

Have you told school about her dad's health issues. Theyll be able to offer some TLC or perhaps get the school counsellor to spend sometime with her.

Thanks for your replies @Singleandproud the school do know and they have offered her counselling but she hates opening up to anyone and has refused.

I’m sorry you’re all having to go through this. I don’t have experience of this as a parent but I did as a child. It’s probably the hardest age to have to process something like a parent being unwell especially as there is a significant step change in work load/pressure for GCSEs not to mention the usual teenage angst. Now I look back I wish my school did more to try and help my family and I navigate it. The worry is bound to manifest in behavioural challenges. Please, please don’t blame yourself. I thought at the time I was an awful child, everyone probably thought I was difficult and selfish. Now I’m a parent I can look at the child I was and be kinder. I think in situations like these the school has to step up and think about more than their league tables. No advice just sending love x

Sorry you have to go through this. I imagine this just a phase, impacted by your husband's illness, rather than the difficulty of the work. It appears she's lashing out. I'd just show her love and compassion, and hopefully the situation will naturally resolve itself.

Tbh this is very common when kids are facing something like a serious illness of a parent. They know they can't be angry at the parent so will often take out their anger in other more acceptable ways. I would urge the school to give her more positive pastoral care rather than detentions. It sounds like she would really benefit from having access to a teacher she can have a rant to.

@Mondayblues6 what are her academic reports like? The school may run clinics in certain subjects that she can go to for one-to-one help - have you spoken to them to see if there is anything like this available? Especially for maths if she needs some help getting up to speed.

In maths they are often set; do you know which one she is in? Maybe they are worried she will not pass her maths GCSE, in which case she will have to retake until she's 18 or passes. This will really impact her future plans so the teacher may be trying to help to avoid this. I would definitely get in and talk to them to see what help is available

Also it may be worth looking at the sixth form entry requirements now - if she sees that her friends are on track to stay but that she needs to start working to get good enough grades to be allowed to stay with them into sixth form then she may start focusing