Year 10 and GCSE stress

[stammergreetings]

Hello everyone

Any tips on how to support DS in year 10 who is really stressed with pressure of GCSEs? We obviously want him to do well, but he seems to be putting an insane amount of pressure on himself. He also has a complete lack of self belief - he thinks he's the most "stupid" person in all his classes. He's really not - it's a school in a naice middle class area, but it's not selective and he's getting mainly 9s in tests so far. Yesterday he told me he got a 9 in test for a subject he's struggling with and he was happy but felt the need to tell me it was a "low 9".

I've offered him to change subjects, drop sets, drop from separate to single science etc. He doesn't actually want any of that. Reality is he's the most stressed he's ever been in his life, and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Short of giving him a cuddle, listening and giving him examples of people who haven't ended up failures in life because they got the odd B/C at GCSE, I don't really know what else to do!

Sounds like you’re supporting him really well to me. Just ride it out with him and keep planning other things in and amongst it all to help him enjoy the lighter side of lufe.

Random suggestions:
. See what he needs for next steps. Possibly 7s / 6s in A level subjects only.
. Reassure that if he has tried hard you'll be happy.
Explain how 9s are a bit pot luck and should never be expected.
. It is a marathon not a sprint.
. He must build relaxation, downtime and exercise into his schedule. Does he do extra curricular?
. Praise him for a balanced view on life, not for top grades.

Make sure he has a day off from studying. Do something out of the house, even if it is only a walk.

Hmmm..this sort of thing hasn't come out of the blue...have you been inadvertently talking to him about what success looks like over the years - grades, career, etc?

If so, these core beliefs may be hard to change now...good thing is that grades don't matter much.

So where is he getting the message that only a 9 (and a high 9 at that) is "good enough"? That's the thing to counter. Is he at a very competitive school? Does your "wanting him to do well" translate to "must get high marks in test".

What happens if he didn't get a 9 in a test? Could you role play that for him and show him that the world will not end? What does he want to do after GCSEs? Unless he's aspiring to be a doctor, can you show him that he doesn't need all top grades and "good enough" is ok?

Thanks everyone. Some great ideas here.

To answer some questions:

• He doesn't know what he wants to do at A-level or after which makes it a bit harder. Not medicine. He was briefly interested in engineering but seems to have gone off that now. A 7 is good enough for A-levels at his school, except if he decides he wants to do Further Maths in which case he needs a 9 at GCSE maths (which he will get unless he has a bad day, and honestly I agree with the school on that).
• I love the marathon not a sprint messaging.
• I honestly don't know where he's getting the messaging that only a 9 is good enough. I have very strong academics and it's possible I've inadvertently passed over some messaging on this, but it's not like I got all A*s at GCSE myself. We have historically pushed him but not so much in the last year or so because he's started doing it on his own. I've said all the right words, but maybe I've been subconsciously passing something over. Most of his friends are pretty strong academically. It's possible some of this is coming via friendship group competition and I'll explore that. School now sets for science and maths (they didn't before) and it's possible that now he's in top sets for both he's picking up on expectations of people around him? He's not mentioned it though.
• Not a particularly academic school. Naice area so parents will be motivated though and teachers will care about results. He's made some suggestions they might have gone in hard with Year 10 on how important GCSEs are and how they need to work - and possibly (probably?) he's taken something to heart that doesn't even impact him.
• I have concerns that teachers don't see the lack of confidence and aren't actually giving him enough praise. His geography teacher expressly told him last year that he was really good and he came home buzzing and since then he's loved geography and is now flying in. Similar thing in maths - teacher last year was brilliant and he's started properly engaging and now loves the subject. Low confidence in his own ability and thinking he'd 'stupid' has been an issue all his life (it's something I remember discussing with his maths teacher at age 6!) - to be honest him thinking 9s are possible is something that's a change. A year ago he was asking me if he should be taking foundation level maths because he was worried that if he took higher tier he'd fail if he didn't get a 5. He has ADHD and his processing speed is relatively low (compared to eg his verbal/numerical ability) and this likely feeds into his low confidence.
• There seems to be an issue in three subjects this year where he claims the teachers 'aren't teaching' and don't explain things. I'm not sure what's going on and I'm giving it a bit of time as it might just be settling with new teachers. I've learnt from experience the teacher they complain about in September is sometimes their best teacher by December! I don't know if this is part of a change to a more independent learning style for Year 10, but to be honest I wouldn't expect that at Year 10 (as opposed to Year 12).
• I've done the role playing but maybe too much focused on 'so if you got a 0' and I need to focus on less extreme examples, and maybe look up some examples of courses at university and what a-levels he'd need. His answer to why the tests matter are that this test is x% of his end of term score and so then his end of term score would be low. End of term score obviously doesn't matter for anything, but reality is it matters to him for some reason.
• He does extra curriculars - he thinks he does too much (pure play it's two sports, which is four sessions a week, then he plays in a school sports team and is doing Duke of Edinburgh). One issue is he's asking to drop a team sport that he loves because he feels he doesn't have enough time for it with all the work. I am very reluctant as he is buzzing after sessions but we are looking at whether he can drop to 1 session a week rather than 2 for a bit. He also has a tutor once every other week, who is focused on SEN and gives him additional support (it's developed more into a mentor relationship than actual tutoring).

If he has additional and slower processing, has he been assessed for possible extra time? He may well not qualify but it may be good to be sure

My DD definitely found all the teachers banging on about working hard and gcses stressful. I think it can take a strong counter narrative from home to help some students keep things in perspective.

A 7 is good enough for A-levels at his school, except if he decides he wants to do Further Maths in which case he needs a 9 at GCSE maths (which he will get unless he has a bad day, and honestly I agree with the school on that).

OK, so that sounds like a fairly academic school. What happens if he does have a bad day and "only" gets an 8 in maths?

Perhaps introduce him to the idea that there are other schools, and other sixth forms and other options than taking A Levels and/or going to university (if he does revive his interest in Engineering, for example, then he could consider an apprenticeship). It seems like this is a message that he is not getting from his school (and potentially not from you either?).

You've mentioned him getting praise at school. Do you praise him? And is your praise linked to effort or achievement?

He gets extra time already. He's started actually asking for it this year, which is a move forwards as he typically wouldn't mention it if the teacher didn't.

We're not in the UK so post-16 options that aren't academically focused are limited. If it came to it we'd sort something out both it's intentionally not something I've discussed with him because he doesn't need another thing to worry about. We've had long talks about how poor GCSE results aren't the end of everything - obviously life is easier if you have good grades but I have given him loads of examples of people who didn't do great at GCSE who have gone on to have happy lives, and he has a friend who did poorly at GCSE (failed most of them, although I think he got Maths and English) and is now happily doing Btec.

Whilst I appreciate that there are other options available, the issue isn't that he's not going to get the grades to do a-level but that he's stressing he's not going to get the grades and I think part of the issue is making him more aware of what those grades are. A 6 is actually acceptable for non-science/maths a-levels at this school and Btec is always an option if he doesn't get any 6s. I am very pro university for him I admit, but that's because he's academically strong and it makes sense. I'm not going to force him to go (not least because it's going to cost me a fortune!). DH doesn't have a degree so DS knows from real life experience it isn't the end of the world. Not having a degree is unusual in the world we live in though.

I actually don't know what the school would do if he wanted to do FM A-level and got an 8. I would hope that they'd look at his actual ability and if that was clearly at a 9 level, let him through. That said, I did FM A-level and if the 8 (or lower) was the level he was at rather than a blip, I wouldn't be encouraging him to take it. It's a very hard A-level and there are very few post-18 options that actually require it. Of course if his heart was set on it, I'd fight tooth and nail with the school.

I think I need to bang on with the narrative, and also do some more targeted work to help him understand what he actually needs to keep his options open moving forwards (which is a lot less than he thinks he needs).

Hi there, sorry your son is struggling with anxiety at the moment.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things.

I'd suggest asking the school for help. If you could sit down with a couple of teachers who could give your son a confidence boost, that might ease his concern.

A 9 at this stage in his GCSE journey is exceptional, but he doesn't want to burn out now.