Is this normal?

[TrioG]

Hi

My DD started secondary school this year and by all accounts it’s going ‘ok’ all the things she was concerned about she’s managed really well. She’s navigating the school well, she’s contributing to lessons and has even got merit points for her work. She’s doing her homework when she’s home without prompts and is walking to (with a friend) and from (alone through choice) well.

She appears happy when she’s home and is chatty about her day, some days more than others, but later in the evening she becomes angry and emotional, saying she hates school, no one understands. She feels she has to put a brave face on so as not to worry people but she really doesn’t like it.

Once she’s calm we talk and I reassure her how well she’s doing, how she must be honest about how she feels and that she mustn’t worry about us adults it’s our job to help and support her.

These outbursts are becoming more frequent and I don’t want her to be suffering in silence, is school really bad, is something happening she doesn’t like or is she just growing up ?

I know it’s hard to answer with limited information and I have spoken to my sister about my older niece and nephew and she said they weren’t the same at her age. My niece has struggled with high school since Covid and has moved multiple times due to mental health issues and now at 16 says she wishes she’d stayed at her first school and sat it out. My sister and I parent differently and my DD has a stable home life with two loving parents and close relationships with her grandparents.

Is this normal? Are periods on the horizon? I’m at a loss, my DD is amazing, going to school even though it’s hard, she’s had no close friends to fall back on to help her and she’s smashing it as far as we are concerned so just at a loss.

I didn’t start puberty until much later but could this be it ?

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply x

I don’t know the answers to your questions but I think the fact that your dd is talking to you and you are listening counts for a lot. I think that hopefully you’ll navigate this well together going forward, whatever the issues are.

Thank you x

Is she on WhatsApp or social media? There could be something going on in the evening that is upsetting her. Or she could just be settling in. It’s still early days.,

She is probably just finding it tough adapting. It's a big change and there is a lot to learn, navigating a new place, learning new rules, getting used to new teachers and subjects. On top of that it sounds like she hasn't got an established friendship group. I think I would just acknowledge how tough the first term can be. She is doing well but it doesn't mean it's easy.

Coud be dealing with the much older kids or seeing loads of bad behaviour and swearing.
If she was ok at primary its likely just settling in issues.

I agree with @Doveyouknow. Starting senior school is hard work and quite stressful, all the new places, rules, organisation, travel and especially trying to make friends and be “on” the whole time.

She may be doing well but also finding it very tiring and stressful to keep on top of things.

My DD is also at this stage and whilst each day seems to go ok and she’s doing pretty well objectively, she still every so often says she wishes she was back at her old school just because everything was easy and familiar there. She’s really tired.

I think what has helped DD is we were quite honest, perhaps even a little negative, about starting secondary, we said that it was probably going to feel a bit overwhelming but it would get better week by week. And that friendships would take time. So she didn’t expect it to all be amazing from the start iyswim and she knows it’s ok and normal to not love it all?

To be honest I always hated school. If someone had said you never have to go again aged about 13 I'd have happily left. It wasn't that it was horrible exactly, it's just constant information being pushed into your brain, there's so much to do and remember. Some teachers were very stern and strict, and some of the rules were just bizarre.
I honestly don't think it's that unusual to dislike school. I mean it's not exactly meant to be fun is it? As long as she still goes in and does her lessons and homework then I wouldn't worry too much.

Is it when she’s tired if it’s later at night. DD and I both get weepy when we’re overtired about things that aren’t actually an issue. We get a bit irrational and emotional

The transition in Yr 7 is really tough for them. I treated DD like I did when she started Yr1 ie lots of down time, early nights, daily vitamins etc.
Keep channels of communication open eg DD has always liked snuggling in bed with me at 8.30pm and we talk through her days. Create little routines but also bear in mind hormones are kicking in which exacerbate everything. It is likeky she will be starting period if she hasn't already.
Make sure phone and devices are turned off by 8.30pm, put parental controls on and try to ban Snapchat etc.