Should DD16 with resurgent ED change school for sixth form?

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(I have also posted in the Eating Disorder forum)

Hi all - my DD16 has suffered from ED for 3 years, first anorexia, then successful weight restoration, now periods of bingeing (but not bulimia) and restriction. She has not had periods in 8 months and is in a very bad place mentally and emotionally.

She was seen very quickly at CAMHS first time round as her weight was v low, they discharged her after 6 months, she is now on waiting list to go back to CAMHS but that will take around a year so no help whatsoever right now.

She is really struggling in making final decision about where to go to Sixth Form. We are lucky in our area that there is flexibility and final choice does not need to be made until next week after GCSE result come out.

She was really hoping for a new start at a new school but is now wavering and I am not sure how to advise her.

School A: Small sixth form, the school she's been at since Year 7, more restricted subject choices, some very nice staff, some utterly useless staff. Atmosphere benign but very disorganised and ad hoc. A couple of her good friends are staying there but also a cohort of girls who have excluded her and made her feel useless in the past, although that may change of course.

School B: Large sixth form, wide range of subjects, very organised with dedicated sixth form staff. However, it is more pushy academically and nobody there knows her or her past issues. Because it's larger and more anonymous, there is a risk she will just withdraw into her shell even more and make no effort to make new friends

WWYD? She is feeling so fragile at the moment with zero confidence in her body and ability to even do A-levels (although she has said she doesn't want to go to FE college, she wants to go to Sixth Form) is it best to stay where she is where at least she knows everyone?

I mean B sounds so much better, but only you know if she'll cope. Sometimes change is really scary.

How have school B been about welcoming her and do they know about the ED?

School B sounds risky.

Similar schools near me because they have so many students are stretched to offer pastoral support and there is much more of a "half way house" to uni attitude which means students are largely left to get on with it.

Would she cope with the class sizes and knowing nobody at all and having to put herself out there?

Where she is now hasn't worked that well for her in the past and it doesn't sound like she really wants to stay there. She wanted a fresh start and sought one out. It's just that she is having a wobble now.

You should definitely encourage her to have confidence in her decision making and pursue school B.

Is school A private? I've had some awful experiences with very small private schools (I'm a counsellor!)

Both are state schools.

I have had a chat with the Head of Sixth Form of School B about her but this was before the summer /major relapse and before her re-referral to CAMHS. They did say all the right noises, however

Maybe a year out to work on her health?

My advice is to stay at the same school unless there is a lot of bullying etc that make it impossible to stay. From my professional experience, sixth forms seem more stingy with support for young people who haven’t been with them.

I have a dd in y13 with ED (hospitalised). She has struggled with reasonable adjustments though she now has an EHCP. Everything seems battle. If she is also neurodiverse, it can be hard to make friends in a new environment.

If she stays at school A it is familiar with a couple of friends. But if the other girls stay she will have constant daily reminders of the bullying and daily triggers that she's no good. Not great for the mental health.
Large school and academic pushiness doesn't mean it will be bad for her. It's a break from her past school life, more pupils might mean more resources and therefore better support. She can be who she wants to be without the past influencing others responses to her.
Just my limited experience
DD was bullied at high school. It took til the break away to uni to shake off the feeling everyone was going to bully her.
DS moved for 6th form (he had to as none at his school) and he's thrived.

Honestly, I think the most important thing is probably that she makes the decision herself, as this is something in her life she can take control over even when other areas are spiraling.

If she has bad memories and it's got cliquey at her old school, I'd lean towards the change. It may be scary for a couple of weeks, but it may also give her the confidence to go out and re-define herself away from what has been happening at school. Does she know anyone starting at the large sixth form - maybe not from school, but from hobbies/other relationships? I was the only person from my school to go to my sixth form, and the first few days were rough and lonely, but I met people through classes and realised I had lots of "associations" with other people through hobbies, which also developed into friendships. All of these people had much more in common with me and developed into far more enduring friendships than school friends, many of whom I had basically nothing in common other than living in a vaguely similar geographical area. The move at that stage was absolutely the making of me and I'm always grateful I made that change, best thing I did.

Thank you all for you advice. GCSE results are out and she did better than we hoped and than she herself expected. We left final decision up to her and she very quickly decided that she wanted to go to the new school. However, we have also discussed with her old school and if things go badly and she is really miserable, they have said the door is always open and she can transfer back there. So I suppose we'll just have to keep everything crossed and see how it goes.

From what you've said here it sounds like she's made the right choice. Well done to her.

Congratulations to your DD for her GCSE results. The wait between exams and results can be very stressful for some as they no longer have any control. Which might be linked to her relapse.

Given it is her choice then school B sounds good. A fresh start can do wonders and you have school A if needed.

I hope she has a good start and settles in quickly.

Congratulations to her, and this seems like the perfect solution.

Thank you for the update

What a lovely update! I wish her every success. And huge well done to you - this stuff is hard.