Secondary school appeal - support network

[SecretToryVoter]

Hi

My DD has been best friends with a girl (Jane) since reception. In recent years, Jane has become highly anxious and sometimes refuses to go to school. When she does go in, my daughter is a massive support to her. This has resulted in my daughter not being able to spend time with other friends when Jane is there due to Jane’s high needs. My daughter has also missed out on activities due to having to support Jane, for example Jane was too anxious to go into the hall at the leavers dance so DD sat outside with her the whole time to support her

I was quite relieved when Jane was allocated a different school to DD. However, Jane’s parents have now decided to appeal for Jane to attend DDs school, the key argument being that DD can support her (basically become her carer) and that Jane will refuse to go in if not with DD. They have asked me to write a letter to support their appeal, detailing the support that my DD gives

Are they likely to win any appeal on this basis? If so, can my daughter be forced into continuing to provide so much support or can I request they be put in different forms

any help would be appreciated. I do feel very sorry for Jane and family but my DD desperately needs the space to grow away from Jane

I don’t know about the appeal, but if she wins I’d be having a quiet word with the new school about separating the two girls. It’s not fair on your DD to be a support human in this way.

I’d be ringing the school to state that of course any decision is not up to you, but that you’d like to state that you are in no way endorsing their application.

They should take it from there…

I agree but if Jane wins her appeal based on her support network (literally only DD) being at the school, won’t they have to follow through and put them in a form together

i will definitely be emailing the school to put forward my concerns

I think now is the time to have an honest conversation with Jane's parents to explain that you won't be writing the letter because as much as you feel for Jane it isn't your DDs responsibility to be her support network. It will be a horrible conversation to have but it needs to be had.

What have you said to the parents? You can't write the letter of support, you need to say what you have said here (which is more than reasonable), hard though that may be. Please advocate for your daughter here, I could see this going badly wrong at secondary level as most teenagers make new friends and grow apart from primary school friends anyway. A fall out a year or two down the line would be so much worse than facing up to this now.

Have appeals not finished? Allocations are made in March. Usually by 10 August it’s late to appeal. I would suggest this now won’t be heard until September. Therefore your dd should start and you absolutely must talk to the new school, in my LA a timely appeal is 28 March. Therefore they’ve been thinking about this.

My initial reaction to reading your post was why on earth did you allow this situation to arise at primary school? Your DD is a child. She’s not a carer. She has zero responsibility for another child. This has marred your DDs primary experience and the school would have heard from me if DD had been used like this. It’s excessive and unfair.

I assume the appeal is based on a social or educational reason for wanting a place. Appeals are normally based on what the school can offer. Not what another child can offer. Obviously you don’t know what they are saying in the appeal but I would be speaking to the new school as soon as humanly possible. Hopefully they are full but they should know about what has happened to your DD. She cannot be treated like this because she’s not getting what she needs from school. A chance to participate.

@SecretToryVoter , presumably you aren't going to write the letter?

In my experience, appeals on this basis don't succeed, because panels are wise enough to know that children's friendships can't be depended on in that way.

Obviously, if you write the letter you will be helping their case.

If Jane’s parents are appealing, I assume that she didn’t get a place initially because she didn’t meet the admission criteria. Her parents will have to show that the detriment to the school of taking an extra student is less than the detriment to Jane by not offering her a place.

I think the counter argument might be that all schools have pastoral care and the capacity to support anxious children, therefore the school she has been allocated will be able to do this.

I agree with @TizerorFizz

Sounds like Jane needs an EHCP and/or some 1:1 support, not your daughter helping her so much. As a teacher I doubt governors would accept a child because their friend goes there, even if she is helping her lots.

I wouldn't write the letter if it was me.

Surely even if you did write it and did think that your dd should be Jane's support system the panel would not give a hoot due to the fact that is a ridiculous reason.

I agree with the PP who said that it's time to tell them it's not your DD's job to support theirs.

I had a similar situation in reception but I put a stop to it as soon as I was aware of it.

It’s presumably an independent appeals panel.

I work in a school and we would be very concerned if we received an appeal based on this reason. It is completely unfair on your child.

Do not write a letter under any circumstances.

You need to speak to Jane’s parents. Tell them that you understand your DD has been a great help to their DD but now they are moving to secondary your DD needs to look after herself and find her own independence.
Then contact the school and state that if Jane does join her and your DD are not to be put in any classes together as your DD must not be put into a position of being a carer again.

This is totally unreasonable for them to ask you to write this letter. Have they even asked how you or DD feel? You must forget about it and put your DD first. She is not a carer and being made to feel like one by Jane or Jane's parents can set up her whole teenage years down a very detrimental path for her. It could even affect her future relationships/friendships if she becomes used to being a support. I would be very surprised if a school supported this anyway. Sounds like Jane's parents are passing the buck of their responsibility for managing their DD's anxiety. Your DD might want to be with her as you say they are best friends. I think your DD is wonderful however for being so caring and supportive and shows what a lovely person you have raised. It is a good experience for kids to understand at some point that not all friendships are based on fun and everyone feeling great but there has got to be a limit. Your DD won't realise that now so it's really for you to take the lead on this.