Moving Secondary schools in y8 yay or nay?

[ExtrovertedIntrovert1]

Hi all,

My lovely daughter is begging me to move schools.

The school she is at now is great. It's a very well regarded school with good results, great pastoral team and it's only a few minutes walk away. It's perfect and the reason why we moved to the house we live in.

She is doing very well academically, come on loads since primary. The school have also been great when various issues have cropped up regarding extra bits of help she has needed.

So she suffers with social anxiety and struggles to make friends or go places. She's so quiet, almost mute. She has made one or two friends but cannot cope in large groups so the friendships broke down when the friends wanted to hang out in groups rather than 1 on 1 (as they seem to do in y7!).

Unfortunately she is ending y7 as a complete loner. She spends break times and lunch alone. She does have somewhere to go (on a computer) and is fine on her own in terms of she stays occupied, but she's very very sad, probably bordering on depression.

She is begging me to move schools. She thinks that all friendships have been solidified now and it's too late for her. She is the quiet weird one who nobody wants to be friends with.

All schools in the surrounding area are over subscribed so it would be a case of adding her to a waiting list rather than moving her. But has anyone moved their child for the reason of shyness/no friends? She feels she wants a fresh start and I completely understand that but it also seems a shame when she goes to and school thats so good and has offered so much help. (Also I'm not sure she would be any different at another school!)

Was also interested to know how it works. Do children normally get to visit or spend a day there before you add them to waiting lists? Or is it a case of adding them and then visiting if and when a place comes up?

By your DD's logic, though, friendship groups at all the other schools will be 'set in stone' by now. (I mean, they won't be, nor at her own school, really, but I can understand how it can feel that way).

Whether or not a school invites visits - and it would only realistically be a tour, not an actual taster day, at a school with no place to offer currently - is up to the individual school. Some definitely don't, unless / until an offer is being made. When do the schools have their open evenings? If they are in the early autumn, you could go along to those? (We did this with DD when she got a mid-year offer the day before the school's open evening, but tbh we had already accepted the offer anyway).

You will (should) have to make actual mid-year applications now, rather than just 'ask to go on the waiting list' (and the school shouldn't actually allow/ insist on the latter). Having the application turned down gives you the right to appeal the decision, although it doesn't sound as if you have any actual grounds for appeal above that basic legal minimum.

I feel for your daughter, it's a very lonely feeling to feel that way. However wouldn't it be best to tackle the shyness/social anxiety rather than up and move schools completely? She won't know anyone at a new school so it might be an even bigger transition (I moved schools myself after Y8 for different reasons, but still found it hard to settle in to start with - from personal experience, I wouldn't personally move my child for the reason of shyness/no friends, I'd try to teach them how to overcome the shyness and to make friends. Maybe CBT might help her when it comes to the social anxiety?? Just a thought. Hope she feels more confident soon

I would speak to existing school first. Friendship groups in other schools will be as set as they are in her existing one. The school may know of dirks in same situation.

Has she tried joining any clubs. This is where my dc met most secondary friends.

There are huge changes in friendship groups for girls in Year 8 and Year 9, so your daughter's view that friendships are solidified is not correct. The fact that people are currently socialising in larger groups suggest this even more - there is no way everyone in a large group is really good friends with everyone else in the group.

In this case, it sounds like there is no bullying or deliberate exclusion going on - simply that your daughter hasn't found her place - which is really common at the end of Year 7. There is no particular reason why this should be better at another school.

I'd focus on helping her to make friends. Does she do any out of school activities, where she might meet different people? Can you encourage her to go on the group meet-ups - it's ok for her just to be quiet and folllow the pack, if she feels nervous about contributing. Can she invite people that she likes to meet up in 2s or 3s?

I totally agree that her issues need tackling rather than moving schools. Her current school has offered help but she has refused it. I cannot fault the school she is at.

She won't try clubs etc as there aren't any that she is interested in. In her mind she has kind of become this quiet weird kid that nobody would want to befriend and she will enter a new school and become somebody else. I know this is highly unlikely to happen.

So far I have flat out refused to move schools but I'm just wondering in the future if I do have to bend, how it would all work. She is actually threatening to email the new schools herself and apply 🙈

What does she enjoy doing? I refuse to believe that there is not a single club either in or out of school, that she could not find any interest in. If she's spending time on a computer could she game with others online (that still counts as friends)? if she's on the computer at school can she chat to others also on the computers at school?

i wonder if it might not be a bad idea to let your DD email other schools, or at least to pursue the idea. It will at least make her feel validated. Of course, I would suggest doing this in conjunction with asking how making friends at the new school would look - people won't spontaneously want to befriend her if she's not interested in the same things as them.

That's really hard. The right answer is stay - give it time - try some new strategies but if she has decided new school is the answer anything you suggest to her will sound to her like you are not listening or taking her seriously.

Can you really overtly do a twin track with her? tell her you are worried moving schools won't solve things but if it's what she ultimately wants you'll support her and start making enquiries - at the same time ask her to do something to try and improve things where she is - e.g. talk to school well being/counselor whatever there support is.

Also quiet weird kids are cool! Refuse to believe there aren't others if them at her school.

As a parent I understand as I have a child who is similar as in they can’t make friendships and they spend a lot of time in school on their own and they are very upset about it. If I thought it would make it better I would let them move schools or pull them out completely.

However as a secondary school teacher I often see a child move and the problem moves with them I’m afraid. Occasionally a child needs a fresh start if they were getting into trouble or in with the wrong crowd and that can work out. If it is someone who moved for social reasons I find they start to experience the same issues that led to them moving in the first place.

In your case your child seems adamant that they want to move. If they’re desperate I would consider it but what’s the plan if that doesn’t work out?

Hi, so I totally sympathise and I get the whole can’t cope with groups thing. However this is not going to magically disappear at a new school. Your dd is fixating on this unrealistic solution and seems closed to reasonable suggestions like join some clubs. This black and white thinking along with an unrealistic view of the world is a trait of autism along with the social difficulties your dd is experiencing. Have you considered your dd might be autistic? I have autistic child and wish I had known earlier so I could get them appropriate help. I was also the mum going into secondary school to ask why my child didn’t have any friends. I was told not to worry but I wish that someone had said she might be autistic as that would have been helpful to know. Finally had to get therapist due to severe depression and anxiety and she was the one finally made the diagnosis.

While moving school may not help, at least your dd will feel listened to and sounds like she is miserable where she is so I wouldn’t discount this.

Hi, yes we are fairly sure she is autistic, or at least has strong traits of it.
Did the therapist help at all? She has had therapy in the past but it went up in price so we could no longer afford it and we were told by the GP that it was a 2 year wait for NHS. It's such a sorry state of affairs at the minute!

I agree. I assume the place at her current school would be lost as soon as she went to a new school? (Her current school is oversubscribed) That is my fear.
I know, as an adult and a parent that it does not make sense for her to move but in the back of my head I would kick myself if a school move would actually be a miraculous cure to this crippling social anxiety.
Seems so unlikely though.

I was lucky , I moved my son in year 8 , I knew the school he moved to from primary was a bad "fit" but it was his and his dads choice ( my ex) was a massive mistake.....moved him to a smaller school of my choice .. (yes they was a waiting list and I read up on the criteria ) was the best thing I did on his first day he was back to his Normal self after being a really unhappy boy

@ExtrovertedIntrovert1 The therapist has helped. This is the second therapist though, the first one was no use at all and seemed to have missed the autism. She was using CBT which just didn’t work. Current therapist is psychoanalytic therapist so this is years and years of therapy and very expensive. We are fortunate this has been affordable for us.

I agree the that NHS is not set up to support the difficulties our young people are facing. I think somehow social media has made it much, much worse for this generation. Try reading Jonathan Haidt’s ‘The Anxious Generation’. Make sure you limit her social media use and maybe look for support for yourself locally with parent groups for ASD young people.

Puberty is an incredibly tough time for ASD girls.

Have they any lunchtime sessions for the kids who need more support? I have a dd with ASD, where it all unravelled at y8/9. She’s always been ok if she has one quirky friend and she needed to move on from her primary school one who was different to her at school. She did have an outside interest and friends but this was also waning at the same time. She did come through it and met another quirky friend, there’s s lot of movement in y8 and then 9 as the gcse classes form. I’d try and get her more support in school. There’s loads of nd kids now and they usually can find each other and be friends. My dd is at Uni now and has been fine there and loved living away from home.

Thanks that's reassuring to know your daughter found a friend and all is good at uni.

School has offered support but she absolutely refuses everything. She doesn't want to be seen as "special needs"/ a kid that needs help (her thoughts, not mine!!)

I think all things considered I will probably revisit intervention at current school. I think you've all confirmed my gut feeling!

How did it work out for you? I’m in almost the exact same position!

Hi, wow id forgotten I started this thread!!
I wish I could tell you something positive to give you some hope but sadly can't.
We are still in exactly the same position.
The only difference is that she is no longer asking to move schools as I think she has realised it probably wouldn't help.

I still wonder in the back of my head whether it would help but when I think of the practicalities of it. . I.e having to get a bus to school and being far from home with kids who don't live nearby. . I don't think it would work... And it would be a worse school.

I'm really sorry you're in the same position. It's awful so you have my every sympathy. I hope for the best for you. Keep me updated...

So sorry to hear it didn't get better. Did you approach the school about it at all?

Is there any interest/hobby she has that could become a new club at school? There are bound to be others with the same interest.

It’s hard when they get stuck in a mindset that there is no solution; sometimes it’s too much of a demand to change or do something out of their comfort zone when they are already struggling and overwhelmed with everything else.

my bestie's grand daughter (now 15) moved schools willy nilly based on course and teacher!! yup insisted on moving to one school for their extra pe provision, then back for math and back again. she's a great kid and very self directed. has friends in both schools plus several clubs. so a total 3 times over her secondary education. the sky didn't fall and no one really cared. on track for a usa sports scholarship.

Moving to another state mainstream school won't help. There are some smaller, more nurturing schools dotted about but they are all private and it would depend on your geographical location.

Sorry, just seen your update. It's heartbreaking for ND children.

Yes the school are great and have tried various things but cannot help someone who doesn't accept help. Another reason not to move... I'm not sure another school would be quite as helpful. I feel like good pastoral support is quite a rarity!!

I do think the option of moving may be the right thing for some kids though if part of the problem is the school itself ...