Is it the right decision to move daughter's school

[Youandmeover40]

My daughter is moving into year 7 in September. She currently attends a private school, she has achieved so much during her time in the junior school and has grown in confidence however her friendship group is frequently making her upset and feeling left out. She has tried on many occasions to break into other friendships groups but due to her sporty interests often feels like she doesn't fit in with them either. Her new class consists of 3 of these friends who often befriend her when it suits and pushes her to the side when someone better comes alsong. I'm worried that if this continues she will start to dislike school and it will effect her mental health.

She has been offered a place in an outstanding state school, which is very sporty. Two of her friends are also moving to this school (not in the clicky group) but am I right to be moving her when academically and sportwise she's excelling? I appreciate that moving may not be the answer. Girls of this age will frequently fallout and it's all part of growing up. I just wonder if giving her a fresh start may give her a better opportunity to form some solid friendships.

Are both coed or single sex? The idea of the cliques and girls blowing hot and cold with their friendships being normal is rather strange or Hollywood script. We noticed in education overseas and here there are tribes of friends without constant drama. Could your daughter find this type of pals?

Thank you, both schools are coed. She has tried to mix in other friendship circles but due to the sporting activities and other extra curricular commitments this group of girls seem to be together quite a lot (away for matches and other competitions every week, sometimes twice a week plus training at break times etc) and now she is in a class with them too! Due to this she hasn't really been able to establish any really solid friendship group away from them. The other girls outside of the sports etc are interested in things that she doesn't naturally enjoy so there's not much common ground unfortunately.

Has she ever shown a preference for either choice, would she like to move?

Yes she has asked to move on a few occasions but she goes back and forth depending how things are at the time. She's away with residential at the moment so I haven't told her about the place being available. She also really didn't think that she would get a place (neither did I at this late stage) so only just being able to seriously consider it.

Have you accepted the place? If not, I would do so now so you have it in case she does want to move. I would talk to her when she’s back and maybe schedule a school visit if possible before they break for the summer.

If she’s not that happy with the girls she plays sports with at the private school, I don’t think that’s going to change as they get older, so I’d be inclined to move her. My niece attended the same school from ages 3 to 18, and my SIL said she found it very hard to break out of or into friendship groups after she’d been with the same year group for so long. Much easier to start anew if she's looking for a new group.

However, the state school probably won’t have the sports facilities or fixtures that the private school does. Is there a particular sport she plays and does the state school have a good programme for it?

Interesting that 2 friends outside the clique are moving, maybe it would be better to move as well. Is there a deadline to accept?
Year 7, would be a great entry point and option to make new friends. Clique from junior school could continue if they all in the same class for senior school. Would the coed state be a larger school year group?

Thank you, this tends to be my thinking too. She has been with most of these girls since she was 3 with a couple of new additions which has really messed with the dynamic!

They haven't mentioned in the documentation about accepting the offer as it's an out of term request and it was the only option I put down I presume they think that we will accept. I have been in touch with the school and have asked for a visit next week and have completed the admissions documents.

In regards to sports she attends clubs for both outside of school anyway but the school is apparently in the top 10% for their sporting achievements out of all state schools so I will find out exactly what that means next week!

Yes the clique continuing is exactly my fear, with everyone being new into the senior school I would be hopefully that she could start afresh and make some solid friends. The 2 girls that are moving are far more sensible and down to earth so it would be good that she would already have them as friends in the new school. The state school year group is 3x the size in comparison!

If the decision is really about the social aspect (vs finances or other areas where parents have to take lead) then I would let your DD be the primary decision maker and focus on supporting her in making her choice. Help her consider all aspects of the decision and various pros/cons - I'd guide her to look at all the various aspects of the decision ("let's talk about how sports and co-curriculars might change... how do you feel about possibly having larger classes... what are your excited or worried about when it comes to making new friends... are there subject choices that are really important..."). Encourage her to write out some thoughts, or let her talk while you take notes that she can then edit.

I'd also make sure she understands that she's not necessarily stuck at either school until year 13, since that may be part of her decision anxiety. Private schools will have year 9 intakes and tons of students move for 6th form/college, so while she should do some thinking ahead about academics and co-curriculars she's not trapped at whichever school she chooses.

Some helpful pointers thank you. We have now spoken to her about it and she is keen to explore the possibility which for someone who doesn't like change speaks volumes! We will be visiting the school soon so will hopefully be able to make a informed decision together soon.