Changing school year 9?

[LetMeJustCheckMyCitrusPocket]

My DD attends a small independent girls school and has never fully settled. She's doing well academically but is very unhappy, has struggled with limited friendship possibilities and feels she doesn't fit in.

She's currently being assessed for ASD and can be highly anxious.

School are aware she's unhappy and say that at school she seems fine, whereas my DD states that she pretends to fit in.

She's very keen to move to the larger co-ed school which her brother attends for the start of year 9, and to have a fresh start there with more possibilities re friendships and options.

Moving a young teenage girl at this stage with her anxieties seems like the absolute worst idea and something which I would never have thought I'd consider, especially re friendships, but on the other hand, things aren't getting any better at her current school and to her it seems like she's been telling us this since she started and we're not listening to her valid concerns.

Would love to hear from anyone with experience of moving their DD at year 9 stage and how they coped.

Yr 9 is the usual entry point for traditional boys’ independent schools, and for some girls’ independent schools - so it’s not an unusual age to move. But you don’t say if that’s the case with your son’s school. If it is then it should be straightforward as there’ll be other new children in the same year as your daughter. It might feel more awkward if it’s not a standard entry year there.

It does sound as if she finds the limited possibilities at her school somewhat suffocating - a fresh start might be just what she needs.

Have you spoken to the Senco at your DS's school? I would ask them what sort of support your DD would get to help her make friends and settle.

My DS sounds a bit similar to your DD. He has an autism diagnosis and is highly anxious. He finds the non structured parts of the day the most challenging. At his school they have places for DC to go at lunchtimes. There are also plenty of clubs at lunchtime/after school which can help DC find friends.

I would say if you're going to move her, now would be the 'right' time before KS4 starts. She's given her school two years and if she's not happy there now, I imagine it's unlikely things are going to improve in terms of friendships, especially if it's a small school with not much movement.

@Edmontine thanks for replying. It's predominantly the usual starting point of year 7 but it does regularly have pupils starting up to year 10. I think as an independent school there's some movement. A fresh start is definitely how my DD sees it especially re friendships, I'm so worried about the move though as she found the transition to year 7 very difficult.

@Toomanyminifigs thanks for your reply and my DD does sound similar to your DS. I hope he's settled at his school?

We're just now submitting our application to my DS school for my DD but yes, I would definitely want to meet the SENCO to discuss how best to settle and establish friendships as that's my main concern.

It does feel like if we're going to move her then it should be now, as you say, but the timing's not great as they finish for the summer so soon, it feels quite rushed and I'm constantly second guessing things.

Like any potential school move it's the unknown, isn't it.

My DS is in a unit for pupils with autism attached to a mainstream secondary. He is quite academically able (in fact he's ahead in some subjects) but has disabling anxiety - and no friends. Although I don't actually blame the other students as my DS doesn't do conversation, he just monologues about his latest obsession!

It is so heart-breaking to see our DC struggle isn't it? I hope that people are more aware of neurodiversity these days and I would like to think that there are places in the world for our lovely children. School days I think are the toughest time as children/teens can be so mean - both deliberately and unthinkingly.

Does your DD do any activities outside of school? I think that can be a good place for children to find friends.

Hopefully there will be time for you to get some things in place at her new school before September, if you do move her. Would she be able to visit? I'm not sure how it works at a private school but maybe you would be able to meet with her new form tutor before she starts too?

It is such a worry isn't it? I feel that neuro diverse DC are often emotionally younger than their actual age and that can make them quite vulnerable.

@Toomanyminifigs your DS sounds absolutely lovely but you're spot on about school days just being tougher for some in general and also that some DC are still very "young" which doesn't always sit well with their peers.

I feel that's how it is with my DD, and will be regardless, but she's so set on moving for a fresh start. I think I'm just terrified we'll end up in the same situation at the new school but with less emphasis on small class pastoral care to fully support her.

Oh for a crystal ball...