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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Sending my DS to secondary with no primary friends!

26 replies

Loramora · 19/04/2024 17:10

So my son will start year 7 in September and last September we went round all the local senior schools and decided that the one his step brother (on his dads side) was the one he wanted to go to. Good school, ofsted done recently that’s good, they have a range of extra curriculum that he would be interested in, they have a cadets program that interested him especially and the school is half way between mine and his dads house so easy to go to either home he fancies once he starts coming home by himself on the bus. plus the added bonus of his step brother being in the year above.
however none of his primary school friends are going there, not many of them even applied to go there as first choice and the other one that did didn’t get in.
I was excited about the prospect of new beginnings but the letter has come about his induction day in July and I’m sick with worry he’s going to not know anyone and be on his own. Did anyone else send their child to a secondary school where none of their friends were going and how did they cope? Am I catastrophising or if your child did struggle settling in at a school what things can I do to help him feel more included/more confident about making new friends?

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 19/04/2024 17:15

My son went on his own to secondary school (his choice) and he was fine, he had a nice group of friends once he'd settled in. His school ran an extra session before term started for kids that were in the same position, which was nice, but he didn't end up being friends with anyone in that group, I don't think.

GingerIsBest · 19/04/2024 17:16

DS went to a secondary school with none of his primary friends. The only children he knew in advance were some of the girls - not his friends - and three boys who he actively disliked because they had bullied him.

He very quickly made new friends - quicker than I expected to be honest. Although what' sbeen interesting is that while he's still friendly with some of those boys fro year 7, towards the end of the year he started gravitating to a new group and now seems to have a very solid group of friends who are different to the ones he first met. I think those early friendships were situational - in the same form, vaguelly similar interests - and the newer friends have developed as they've expanded their social and extra curricular within school.

He was a bit nervous in advance but I used to tell him that I went to secondary school with almost ALL of my primary school... by the end of the first year, I had an entirely different group of friends.

Revengeofthepangolins · 19/04/2024 17:17

Very common. Plus perfectly likely he wouldn't have primary friends in his class even if there were any at the school. Also, friendships tend generally to change very quickly in secondary - lots of angst-ridden posts on MN every year about children being "dropped" by old friends as they settle in. There will probably be a new joiners' day in the summer whcih can help and there will be lots of others in the same postion. It can be quite refreshing to have a new start, and social media makes it much easier to stay in touch with friends outside school than unused to be.

Original poster
Loramora · 19/04/2024 18:26

Yeh he has an induction day where he goes by himself for a run of the school day, that’s what I’m worried about more than actually starting in September. I just keep picturing his little face sitting on his own at lunch for that one day 😭 and because of his anxious nature (which is probably totally my fault because I’m a very anxious person) I’m worried it will set him back for his September start. I have kept reassuring him he’ll be fine and it’s no big deal, but internally I’m just worried. But as they say, I wouldn’t be a very good mom if I never worried eh!

OP posts:
MyFirstLittlePony · 19/04/2024 18:30

I did this with my DS1

the school were great in that they put him in a class with lots of others who did not come up with a large group from primary

it was the making of him, he made loads of new friends, in the school bus and in his tutor group

he made friends through his (niche) sport and music too.

he had such a complicated (various SEN issues) at primary and really came into his own in secondary

really hope your son’s experience will be equally as good

MyFirstLittlePony · 19/04/2024 18:32

Also be honest with him, saying it’s no big deal if it is a big deal is maybe not very truthful and therefore not reassuring

instead be open to how he feels and let him express and explore his own feelings (without immediately overriding it with “it’ll be fine!” And “it’s no big deal” iyswim) .. our kids are much more brave than we think

MagicLemon · 19/04/2024 18:34

Yes I did. He hasn't made any friends still unfortunately.

SamPoodle123 · 19/04/2024 19:48

DD was the only one to go to her secondary from her primary. I was not worried, as I knew she would make friends. She plays many sports, so makes friends easily that way. I was right, she settled right in and made lots of friends. Everyone is nice and inclusive. Some are in the same shoes starting secondary not knowing anyone. My ds will be doing the same most likely when he starts secondary.

Isthisexpected · 19/04/2024 19:50

My siblings and I all went to (different) schools not knowing a single person. It wasn't an issue at all. We all made friends with both existing social groups that had been jumbled into different forms and new people who also only knew one or two or no other people.

Itsaloadofbollocksbut · 19/04/2024 19:51

I chose to go to a secondary school none of my friends went to. It was absolutely fine.

Daughter went to a school with 35 of her primary class mates and made a new group of friends at high school.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 19/04/2024 19:51

Friendships remix very quickly in secondary school. No need to worry, in fact it could even be a plus...

Isthisexpected · 19/04/2024 19:52

Actually I should add that one of us doesn't have particularly good social skills due to ND and so it was hard for the first term but being a large school a tribe could be found.

AmyandPhilipfan · 19/04/2024 20:02

I sent my two to the next school over as their primary school generally fed into the local school and in both their years there was quite a big contingent of not nice boys. I was worried the eldest would be bullied by them if he went up with them and worried that the youngest would get himself mixed in with them and misbehave at school.

My eldest tends to make a friend and stick with them. He made a friend pretty quickly but unfortunately that boy left after a couple of years and he did have a few months on his own but then did make another friend eventually.

My youngest made a little group of friends which has evolved over the years but most of them are the same group of friends now they're in Year 10.

I have no regrets. The school they're at has been very good for both of them.

WhatHaveIDone21 · 19/04/2024 20:02

DD1 went to a secondary school that no one from her primary went to. They had an induction day and also a residential 2 weeks after she started. I was really worried (especially about the residential) as most of the girls in her class had gone to primary together so I was worried she would find it hard to break in to established friendship groups.

But she had no problems at all and has a lovely group of friends now. She is in Y8 now.

JustWingItLifeEyelinerEverything · 19/04/2024 20:38

so do I. My son is going to school without any of his friends. He doesn't see the issue in it and I don't.

Ihadenough22 · 19/04/2024 21:21

One of my friends decided not to send her child to her local secondary school. Her local secondary school would be just ok. There were better schools in the nearest big town.
She also wanted to get her child away from the bully he had in primary school.

He went into the new school in the nearest big town and did not know any of the children in his class. He has made some nice friends. He is getting on well in school and his grades have been improving since he started their.
Often as well when children go to secondary school even with kids from their primary school they can be put in different class groups. Then some kids can change after going into secondary school and they start to hang around other kids that are constantly in trouble or have no interest in school.
The reality is that when they go into secondary school things change and a lot of the kids might not know many of the other kid's and most schools are aware of this.

OttoandHoney · 19/04/2024 21:23

I did this with my son as we moved. He didn’t know anyone at all and is a shy and quiet boy but he did just fine. Found some like minded lads and has a lovely friend group now.

Mepop · 20/04/2024 08:07

My DD starts in September too. She also has no friends at her secondary. My DS went to the same school with no friends. Not by choice just because we live just outside the catchment area for other schools. Or because parents choose private. He really struggled but he loves it now. It did take him a very long time but he initially struggled with bullying (school was super good at sorting but it took a while for DS to tell us) and Covid happened and the lockdowns and lack of mixing plus the school changing the classes all hampered his friendships. He lost the ones he was making in y7 and had to start again. It does not stop me worrying about DD though!

Mepop · 20/04/2024 08:09

Also wanted to add my DS stayed in touch with his primary school friends so whilst for a long time he had no friends at school he had friends to hang out with outside of school.

Rocknrollstar · 20/04/2024 08:16

I went to a grammar school ‘on my own’ and so did DD and DS. We all quickly made friends. You grow up very quickly in yr 7 and change your mind about who you want to be friends with. I wouldn’t worry. there is no guarantee that he would be in the same class as his friends anyway. New school, fresh start. He can still see his friends from Primary School, I know DS did just that.

Dad987 · 20/04/2024 08:43

DD1 went to secondary with 4 of her primary friends, close but it best friends, I'd say she took longer to find a group of new friends as she relied on this group for comfort. DD2 went to a different school, only a boy from her class, so seemingly tried every club and I would say settled quicker than her older sister

Gobimanchurian · 20/04/2024 09:02

All 3 of mine were the only ones from their primary at secondary. Tbf there were lots of other kids in the same position (selective grammar) I'm sure he won't be the only one. They make friends quickly.

MarchingFrogs · 20/04/2024 09:16

I knew no-one at my secondary school when I started there and, 50+ years later and 200-odd miles away, am still in regular contact with friends I made there, I knew no-one at my secondary school when I started there and, 50+ years later and 200-odd miles away, am still in regular contact with friends I made there.

DS1 and DS2 both went to a local grammar school with only one other boy from their primary - in DS1's case, they hadn't really been friends and never were at the grammar and DS2 and the other boy in his year lost touch after GCSEs. Both made new friends; DS2 is now 21 and still sees friends from school, albeit mainly those who joined in year 12.

DD started off at a 'nearest undersubscribed' secondary school the other side of town from us. A handful of others were in the same position, but when they all eventually got offers at schools nearer to home, she said she was actually happy to be going alone. She turned down our primary school's offer to request that she be put in the same tutor group as the one girl she would know there from an out of school activity. She also soon made new friends. When she moved to another school just before the end of year 7 they apparently made a cardboard cut-out 'DD' to sit with them at break, because they missed her.

She said that the worst thing about the run-up to moving up to secondary was dutifully reading the 'Let's deal with your worries about moving up to secondary' book that I'd bought her, trying to be helpful, because she didn't actually have any worries in the first place. She has always been the most keen of the three to try new things, admittedly.

DirtyCheeseBurger · 20/04/2024 09:24

Both mine did. Both made lovely new friends. It's been the making of them as they now have the confidence not to follow the herd, that doing your own thing is fine, what's right for others isn't necessarily right for you and they will be fine.

Handy when it comes to new jobs/ university/ work experience.

I won't say I wasn't worried. I was and my first DC was too. The first term for her was tricky but then she found her tribe by Christmas and is now in sixth form.

AIstolemylunch · 20/04/2024 09:29

2 of my sons did this (their choice) and it was absolutely fine, have loads of friends. The one went with 2 other friends from primary, barely sees them now as are in completely different friendship groups. All fine ime.