Refusal to do any work (yr 12)

[rainydogday]

DD has Btec exams and a level
Course work to hand in after the Easter holidays. So far she has done about 1 hour over the whole holidays.....we had the same with gcse revision and work. Scrapped through. She wants to go to uni but at this rate won't get the grades. It's such a fine line between falling out and arguing and her telling me I am controlling and pressuring her to me feel like I am failing her as a mum. Rarely when she is in a good mood to talk she tells me her plans and what she wants to study and etc. it's like walking on eggshells if I dare to suggest maybe she could get a bit of work done. Like today. We have been out for a nice lunch. Now it's raining and she has watch TV all day. If will be a massive panic attack rush on the last day to make sure her essay is done and printed, etc etc. any tips or just completely stay out of it? DH just says leave her to it and if she fails it's her own fault.....I just feel it's so sad and a waste

Genuinely OP the best thing you can do is stay out of it. Year 12 is subjects she has chosen, she doesn’t have to be there if she doesn’t want to be, and if she wants to get into uni & succeed there then she has to be committed and motivated off her own back!

If she doesn’t do the work, she won’t get in, and it’s really as simple as that!

You can’t force her to revise/work! I’m in my twenties now and because I always knew I wanted a law degree I studied hard and got there, my younger sister didn’t really have a plan but went to sixth form to get A Levels. She couldn’t be bothered and didn’t ever want to do the work/revise, my mum and dad had endless arguments with her trying to make her do it but the reality is you literally cannot force someone to revise, learn, concentrate etc, it was all absolutely pointless and only created tension in the house!

I would tell her "it's your future but life is harder without decent qualifications. You can't live here with us forever and you won't be able to afford anything halfway decent without a work ethic. And uni is a pipe dream, because if you think I'll be helping you out to the tune of 6k a year for you to piss about like this (or whatever your parental contribution will be) you have another thing coming."

That's what I'd do anyway.

If you somehow force her to complete her work, when will you stop? Are you going to micromanage her at uni? It’s better that she fails now than when she’s at uni and paid $$$$ for the privilege. There’s a reason why the government will fund 3 years of level 3 study.

She's in year 12 so she's still got time to figure this out. Has she got end of year exams next term? If those go badly, then you can sit down with her and think about the way forward. I have a year 13 DS and he has been working hard this year, last year and the year before he really didn't do much so there is hope!

Have you talked to her about how she feels about doing the work? She sounds like a champion procrastinator. Procrastination is often based on fear and a sort of panicky inertia. My DD suffers from this and while it was largely down to her to get on with it we did talk about how to make it easier. She could talk to me about how she was feeling. There's a technique for overcoming resistance where you say : I'm not going to do this essay but I'm just going to get the file up on my computer, then you say I'm not going to do this essay but I'm just going to read a paragraph, etc. It's bizarre but it can be a useful technique. My DD found it easier to work at the kitchen table with stuff going on around her than in her room. Ultimately you can't make her work but you can be supportive.

Thanks for your replies. Just having a bad day! I am being supportive, panned lots of nice things today but not taking up the whole day etc. she did come down and show me an app she has that helps her revise, so that's a step in the right direction. Such a rollercoaster having teens. His help me next year when one will be doing A levels and one doing GCSE's