Year 7 - knowing when to change schools

[TheMerryAquaBird]

DS was the only one of his year group to get in to an outstanding secondary school a train ride away, most of his friends went to the local school which is good, but under subscribed due to a bad rep locally.

He's doing well academically, great feedback from his teachers etc, but he's so, so miserable 😢 He's gone from having a nice group of friends to having noone and even now spending every break and lunch alone. His form teacher has been supportive and tried to foster friendships with other boys, but he says noone wants to be his friend and he's desperately lonely. Its really damaging his confidence.

We can get him in to the local school, but I don't know how much is normal year 7 wobbles or to just move sooner rather than later. Anyone experienced something similar?

Hey there,

First of all, sending hugs, I know how hard this is.
We had very similar struggles with my son- although for us, there was no choice of secondary school- there's literally just one and that's where he had to go.
He went with one girl from a very tiny village school. He knew a handful of people by name but no friends as such. Academically he was fine, but break and lunchtimes were awful. He was so lonely and miserable.

Realistically speaking, it has taken until Yr9 for things to bed down enough to say he has some friends now.
And even now it's not perfect, we have just recently been through a period of bullying which isolated him once more (this has now been dealt with).

If I had an option to move him then I would.

If moving had been an option in yr7, then I also would have.

Unfortunately, due to living in the middle of nowhere, and our working hours, there is nowhere else that I can logistically get him to unless we moved to online school. The current school has a coach which scoops up the village children and drops them back again.

Based on my experience, my advice to you would be to seriously consider moving him.
Sooner rather than later- especially if he has friends at the other school. If he is bright and hard working, then he will do well academically anywhere.

Sending love to you and your son x

Thank you, and hugs and love back, it is heartbreaking isn't it.

Does the school run any lunchtime activities he could join? I would be tempted to move him as happiness is important

Yes, he does a lunch time club and an after school sport, so that's one lunch he isn't alone - but neither of which have lead to friendships.

I've messaged the new school to see if we can take a look. My concern is that these issues at his current school will follow him to the new one.

Although I have no problem with moving kids if a school isn’t working for them (have done it) I would be a little cautious of sending him to the school his old friends go to expecting him to just slot in and solve all the friendship issues. In Y7 there is a lot of change and his old school friends may well have moved on and formed different friendship groups and not necessarily be as welcoming as you would hope. Obviously you don’t want him to be miserable but you must have chosen his current school for a reason so maybe give it a bit more time?

Is he still in touch with primary school friends? If not, as said above I would be wary they have moved on to new friends and the transition might not solve the issues.
My DD struggled a lot until yr9. She found high school very hard and we considered changing school but she wasn't keen. She thought it would be the same stuff but in a less familiar environment. She'd already been growing apart from her friends in yr6 so wasn't fussed about going to the same school.
It's really hard to watch though as they slog through every day but for her, it did get better but it took a while.

He still chats with some of the old friends online, and they're positive towards him when he's mentioned moving. But they've not met up and this is exactly my fear, he sees the other school as a continuation of primary school and that he'll slot back in, which won't be the case. He chose the current school because it was smaller and he wanted to be somewhere quieter, I was happy as they do well academically and seemed good with pastoral stuff. I wish he could do a trial for half a term and see how it goes!

If you can request for him to be in the same tutor group as his friends that would help the transition. Or the other option is could he do some out of school clubs with the primary school friends?

If you decide to stick it out where he is, then these are some things that helped us..

Out of school clubs. A lifesaver as there was a place several times a week that had friendly faces and people to talk to.

Taking something in to do at break. My son took things like rubix cube, fidget type toys, a sketch pad and crayons. A magazine of a sport he likes. Meant that he had something to do at lunch and also drew people in who were interested in the same thing.

Pastoral lead. These tend to stay unknown for some reason, but large secondary school will have dedicated staff who don't teach- just look out for the students. This would be an invaluable go- to. Don't be afraid to make a fuss, they are there to help and they can't do that unless they know how unhappy your son is.

Have you had a frank discussion with your son about what he wants to do? Explored the positives and negatives of staying/going and what would happen if the other place is no better. x x

If go local as easier to make local mates and meet up out of school etc. that's a big deal for teens

How's it going? How's your DS feeling about school.

He should manage to slot back in with his old friends if you changed schools.

According to DD, moving in late year 9 or year 10 is when it would get hard on the friends front.

You have a hard decision ahead of you. It could be year 7 wobbles.

Best of luck.

I must admit I'm on the fence with a similar decision. My DS starts in September. He has an offer of grammar with know-one or the local school with lots of friends (which is inadequate but has made lots of improvements).

My DS isn't that confident and wants to be with his friends. We're waiting to make a final choice as have intro days etc. your post has made me rethink what's best for him though.

We've been having chats with him and he's adamant he wants to move. I suspect there might be a bit of bullying going on, so as well as not making friends, perhaps being deliberately excluded by some of the kids, but I can't get that out of him to try and resolve with the school.

I tried to speak to the new school, but they said they don't do tours or chats etc until you've applied and been offered a place, so that's what we'll do - then discuss with them how they'll manage a move. I've spoken to other parents with children there and they say the pastoral support is proactive and brilliant, so that's reassuring.

I've taken the advice here on board - he's taken some comics and bits in to do at lunchtime, either in the library or there's a downtime room he goes to. I'm looking at youth clubs and out of school clubs to join, even if he goes local it will broaden his circle a bit and give new opportunities for friendships to develop.

Hopebridge it's very tricky, and I don't know what's for the best. I have a younger son in year 5 and we'll have the same decision to make next year. I don't know if it's specific to our school, but it certainly seemed that the sporty boys - football, rugby team etc - made friends very easily as they joined a team and then had a group to hang out with. That's not my kids! But if it is your son that might help him settle.

I hope you manage to get a place quickly and that he settles in well. Hopefully in the meantime the activities will keep him focussed :)

Hi, @TheMerryAquaBird
How did things pan out for your son? Hope he's in a happier situation, whichever decision was made.