Family holiday close to GCSEs?

[winterrabbit]

DS1 is taking his GCSEs this summer. His first exam (French oral) is on 29th April and the rest start on 10th May. He has ADHD and challenging behaviour so needs a huge amount of support (coersion/blackmailing) to do any revision at all. I am divorced from his dad who does very little to help. Problem is, DH wants to go on holiday in April to see his mum for her 90th birthday in the US and, if I went, it would involve me being away from DS probably from 6-13th April. My mum would come to stay to look after DS and DS2 but it's unlikely she will get him to do any revision. I have told DH that I cannot go away until after DS's GCSEs as he needs me around. DH still wants to go as it's his mum's 90th and he wants to take our 5 year old DS with him. I am torn over what to do as I feel nervous about my 5 year old taking a 14 hour flight without me and then no seeing him for a week. Any thoughts/suggestions welcome.

I'd be inclined to say no. Frankly it's unlikely your 90yo MIL particularly minds whether you are there or not - she just wants to see her son, and you could pitch it to your DH that he and your younger child will have a great adventure without you.

My DH's family is also a long haul flight away and he's been taking our DC there alone since they were about 3 or so and apart from slightly substandard hair maintenance, it's been absolutely fine and they've had a ball. There's no earthly reason to hesitate about that aspect.

Send them off, and stay here with your GCSE child - he needs your support that month more than your DH does, and it'll be no harm having the younger child out of the way either.

Sorry - I mean to say no to YOU going, but yes to DH & younger DC.

Are you able to help with the French and is doing GCSE in French going to help him in further studies. We went away same period when my DS was doing his exams, French oral wasn’t something we could help much with.

Agree you and teen stay. DH and younger go. You and teen have a mini break together after GCSEs somewhere he chooses.

You can help with it the speaking exams
are the ones I seem to most needed for - testing over and over using flash cards dd has prepared.

Blackmail!!!!!

@winterrabbit although I'm not divorced my daughter did her GCSE's last year and she has her own issues. She worked herself incredibly hard and although her results were good she always felt a lot of pressure, so for your Son it must be so much. My cousin's son is the same age and they tried everything to get him to revise and he just wouldn't do it. You know your son better than anyone. If you think he'll be ok for a week with his Dad and Nan then fine, if it's not suitable then explain he'll have to visit another time. I know 90th birthdays are important but any normal parent and grandparent know and appreciate how important GCSE's are.

Such a difficult choice. IMO I would stay to support the exam taking child - this may affect his whole future . Understandable your DH wants to be with his mum on her 90 th, it’s such a milestone birthday and realistically there may not be many more so yes he should go and that is the right choice for him . Should he take his 5 year old son ? Well I imagine his mum may not have met the child and it may be the last time the child will be able to get to see his grandma. Is DH realistically up for the 14 hour flight on his own … ? You can’t change those dates - birthday - exams - so something has to give . A lot of shared families do not not get to see their child for a week or so - my g/son (5) has been away for a week’s holiday without his mum and all was well. I understand the nervousness but as long as your 5 year old is ok with it then I think it’s fine to let him go - but your DH should think twice about taking him if he is likely to get upset about not being with you . I think the main issue is whether DH takes the 5 year old or not as parents you will have to make a decision based on the best interests of the child rather than on parental emotions - try putting that to DH. Please don’t talk to or ask ask the 5 year old what they want to do though as I think that would be unfair pressure …. you both know your child so make the decision together and then talk to the child . Good luck !

I would stay behind with the older child and send younger child with dh and take older child for a break after exams.

or send dh on his own.

DH would be going alone, if it were me. We're also in GCSE year and MIL lives OS. Personally, I'd keep both DC at home. 90-year-old granny probably would like to see the 5-year-old, but I think she and your DH will get more quality time if he stays home with you.

I would stay and have h take your younger child to the US. He’s with his dad so should be fine.

I agree too - you stay.
Even if you can't help with the actual revision, you can help with scheduling, make sure he gets up, gets outside for exercise, has decent meals and have some nice downtime together.

Your younger one will be with his Dad and be fine.

I send DH and the 5 year old to the birthday party.
You stay at home with the GCSE student.

I'm more concerned that you need to use coercion and blackmail on your child!

I think you definitely need to stay and prioritise your teen DS.

Send DH and younger DS. They'll have loads of fun and it will show older DS how much you are supporting him and maybe encourage some revision? Or is that wishful thinking

I think you're overthinking it. Have you never said 'you can watch tv after you've done your homework' or something similar?
OP let your DH take the youngest to the 90th, the child is 5 not 5 months. You stay with other DS who needs your support.

GCSE’s take precedence. We missed out on what would have been a wonderful opportunity abroad this year, but it would have been over DD’s study period. Instead it’s going to cost us 💰 💰 💰 to do it over the summer holidays instead. But (depending on his choices after) GCSEs are becoming so important nowadays, and he’ll never get this time again. We’ve only just found out that my dd is not guaranteed a place at her schools 6th form (we thought they automatically got a place), it depends on her results, so she’s already flapping about that

Everyone does. The ops just used hyperbolic language to describe normal parenting. Reward charts and grounding are coercion and blackmail

I have a dd doing GCSEs this summer.
She has ASD and needs suport to do revision.
Dh is not British. His dad is elderly and we would normally go to his country at Easter.
We are not going. Not only because of 5 days away from revision, but also because of th eimpact on her headspace, so 5 days away means a few days before and after for her to regain headspace, and also 5 days where she couldn't have downtime at home, so starting the term with more stress. It is hard to explain to those who aren't dealing with it, but it is managing the stress over the months leading up to exams.
It is all about pacing, and the easter holicays are too important to mess around with.

So I wouldn't go.
Let dh go with your 5 year old ds. It will be good bonding for them.

Thank you all, some really great advice here, and reassuring that I am not being paranoid or precious about DS. Sorry, I meant bribery, not blackmail! Not really sure there is anything I could blackmail him over. I do think it would make a big difference if I stay. Last week over half term I had him doing 2 hours of tutors every day. He complains at first but then he does it. I plan to do the same over Easter but need to be here to oversee tutors, get hold of all the right materials.

As for DS3 going with DH, DH is great dad but I would just worry so much about DS being 7,000 miles away from me for so long. If it was Europe for a few days I would feel differently but it's literally the other side of the world (I should have said South America, not US). I think he would be ok but I know he would miss me and I would worry every minute he is away. I'm also a nervous flier and the idea of him flying over the Atlantic for hours on end makes me feel sick (paranoid I know). So, I have told DH he can go alone in April but not sure he will as he wants to take DS3. I've also said we can go later after GCSEs so we may do that. I just hope nothing happens to his mum before then. At 90 you never know.

Totally agree with other posters and fwiw I have become a PITA micro-manager with my y11 who would do bugger all if left to study independently - threats, bribery, switching off phone, creating a timetable for him...you name it. I've tried the "how will they learn if not left to it" approach and he simply doesn't have the maturity (and has the crappy mocks results to prove it!) Good luck OP.

Another vote for let your DH take the younger child and you stay at home with the teenager. My DD is year 11. She has ASD and is really struggling, though I wouldn’t leave her so close to exams even if she was NT with the best organisation skills in the world.

Having seen your update all going together after the exams is probably the best option if you can afford that (sounds expensive). If grandma is currently well there is every chance she will still be well in the summer.

You should stay home with DS1.

DH should go and take DS3 if DH feels confident doing so and DS3 wants to go. Your DH is equally DS3's parent, and presumably a competent adult. I understand your anxiety and it's ok to feel those feelings, but your feelings shouldn't keep DH and DS3 from a trip they want to go on. Those anxious feelings are yours to work through, not to put on your family.