How to Save Year 11

[Ichangedmynameonce]

I might have posted before.

DS year 11- bit of history- did really well at primary, super inquisitive about the World, read loads etc, definitely no concerns about ability, focus etc.

Went to secondary in first year of covid and found it hard- isolating, lots of new topics etc.

He has seemed happy at secondary, not loads of friends but some/ enough and okay. Has a hobby outside and friends there.

However (and I feel really stupid saying this) on reflection, his performance has declined year on year. He is now way below his minimum target grade (MTG 7/8. Recent mock average a 4).

We've tried to talk to him over last few months and he gets very defensive. Says he doesn't want to go to university (which I'm disappointed about but have accepted) but he has now started to say he doesn't see the point, he's not learning anything, just learning answers to 8 markers etc and would leave if he could.

If we aren't talking about school he's happy, jolly etc. Goes out less than he did though and doing less of the hobby ( this may be a natural end due to his age etc, I'm not sure).

I don't know what to do. We have 2 younger kids so it's hard to sit each night and push him to work.

School (and its a decent school) seem not that bothered- he's well behaved, positive attitude and they like him, so it seems to pass them by.

The only thing he flagged up a few months ago was that he finds it hard to focus- in one conversation he got very upset and said when he sits down to work it just goes around and around in his head. But previously he would read for hours so I've assumed ADD is not the cause. I thought it might be anxiety about the work, but he's very unwilling to discuss it now.

How can I support him to salvage year 11 and believe in himself? He seems to think he cannot do it (and gets so angry when we talk about it).

I have parents eve next week.

Thank you for reading this far down, any advice and suggestions and similar experiences would be so helpful.

But previously he would read for hours so I've assumed ADD is not the cause. I thought it might be anxiety about the work, but he's very unwilling to discuss it now.

Children with ADHD are also capable of hyper focus when it comes to certain tasks so reading for hours wouldn't naturally exclude that possibility, but an obvious inability to focus tends to also come out in behaviour at school and you say that isn't a problem?

It could well be anxiety, or it could be that he just doesn't know what to do or where to start. Y11 is a very stressful year and he will be getting lots of messages about how important it is at school and the anger could be a frustrated reaction to that (he knows its important but also he knows he isn't doing well and doesn't want reminding).

Has he got any plans for college? What does he need for those? Can you pick a few GCSEs to focus on to make the task seem less daunting?

Thank you for replying @noblegiraffe

His behaviour has always been very good. Good at listening, replying etc etc and did alot of activities that required focus. Literally never had a problem with it.

He doesn't know what he wants to do. Assuming 3 A levels because that's what people do, IYSWIM.

He loves business studies and quite likes geography, so thinking of those.

He's panicking I think and I suspect that's the cause of the focus issue. But.....he cannot watch a film as he just cannot focus that long. He will watch TV shows if he's really keen and then he is fine. He's not a gamer, but looks at Snapchat alot. He's very sociable.

And he is beginning to identify himself as not bright. I'm torn between thinking that that is the case and thinking that its a way to get away from a challenging situation.

I don't know if we should push him to work harder (he really doesn't work hard) or accept its not for him. But surely that's letting him down?

One teacher called me last week about his terrible mock result- she said he's bright and capable and it's not too late.

It's perhaps possible that I could take a month or two off to try to help him- but I don't think he wants help and I wouldn't know where to start.

Thanks for listening.

But.....he cannot watch a film as he just cannot focus that long.

I have to say that's not completely unusual in the modern world, so many people reach for their phones and double screen.

He needs to start applying for colleges soon so is he making any moves towards that?

There's definitely a kind of paralysis that can hit when thinking about the future where important decisions need to be made.

If he's not working hard at home, are there revision clubs he could attend at school? Or could you think about hiring a tutor for any particularly weak subjects? Having some sort of structure for revision imposed on him might help by taking some of that responsibility away from him.

Hi OP- firstly, A levels and university are nit for everyone and that's fine. I certainly don't think it's a good idea to take three A levels bc everyone does. Lots of students take more practical courses where they accrue credits as they go along a d there is not such a big hill of revision to climb

But anyway, I'd park that for a bit. Sounds to me as tho he is overwhelmed. Not that unusual in yr 11.

Agree with noble, how about looking at his best subjects and the core ones and supporting revision. Maybe he needs to break it down - this topic I am weak on, then look at the key points needed and learn those. Bit by bit he can build it up to a bigger volume of things he is confident about.

That's actually a relief because it seems odd- he used to love films!

He has a science and maths tutor and they are positive about his attitude. Though the maths tutor called last week to say he's developed a panicky attitude. When I tried to talk to DS he got really cross.

We've looked at 6th form and he's decided to stay at school, but said he'd leave if he could.

This isn’t popular advice on here, but DS dipped a bit in year 10 and 11 then thought he had left it too late to catch up.

I did a sliding scale of payment for GCSE grades but made it v clear that it wouldn’t happen for A levels. We all told him to at least get A Levels even if not sure of going to uni as it is expensive and inconvenient to go back to do them later and uni can be done anytime.

He did very well in his GCSEs and spent a lot of the cash reward on a laptop for 6th form that tbh we would have had to stump up for anyway! It did cost us more than we expected as I said high amounts of bribe for 8s and above not expecting them to happen and he managed a few.

It is great if children are internally motivated and I expect most MNers will say theirs are, but mine was a bit lazy and extremely mercenary. He also needed a push to not give up on himself.

We haven’t repeated the procedure and he is now in his final year of uni and doing well despite us not pushing him to go at all if he didn’t want to.

We've looked at 6th form and he's decided to stay at school, but said he'd leave if he could.

Ah that makes me sad. Can he not leave? What other options are there?

You say you are disappointed he doesn't want to go to uni - is it possible he may be aware of that? Would he feel you might be disappointed if he chose a college course or an apprenticeship instead? A levels are tough especially if you are not a fan of dedicated revision. Other options may suit him better.

Thanks @AlanJohnsonsBeemer he agrees he needs a push but he buys and sells a bit on ebay so he's okay financially and not massively motivated by money.

Also- I want to reward him for hard work (rather than results) because that's what's really lacking. I don't know if it's HE CAN'T do it WON'T do it.

@clary thank you. We've been supportive when he talks about apprenticeships, but told him he will need decent GCSEs to get onto one. I'd prefer he did this at 18 rather than 16. If he had a clear passion for something, I'd accept him leaving at 16 to pursue it, but he doesn't.

Are there any colleges nearby that offer A-levels? If he's unhappy at school, A-levels could just end up being more of the same.

Even if he's not that keen, I'd try to encourage him to go to some open events at local colleges (if they exist) to see what else is available to him. It might be a non-traditional A-level or an alternative course gives him a passion and a goal to aim for, which might be what he needs in order to jump through the hoops of exams.

Also, if there is a chance he will come out with 4s, then his school may not let him stay on for sixth form, so it's probably worth considering a back up plan- maybe something like a BTEC extended diploma in a subject area he's interested in.

Does he have any hobbies or passions?

Thanks @Postapocalypticcowgirl

We've been to see a couple of other schools.

He hasn't seen a Btech or T level that appeals and I'm reluctant to narrow his curriculum as he doesn't have a passion for something (I'm learning to widen my expectations and try to support him to find the right thing for him, not assume that he will do what we did).

I want him to push himself and he isn't.
It's becoming a vicious circle / self fulfilling prophecy of not working hard, doing badly , feeling bad about himself. Then, because he feels bad, he doesn't think it's worth trying hard.

Would love to hear some positive experiences from anyone who has been through similar, thanks

Bumping for the morning people, thanks

Hi I have a year 11 daughter who sounds very similar and I have felt helpless as she is so defensive and just wants me to back off completely. She interprets me saying that I want her to try her best (for self esteem reasons) as putting pressure on her to get top grades. Totally agree about the vicious circle. It's very frustrating as you just want them to try their best so that hopefully results will rise and they will feel better about themselves. I feel with my daughter she feels overwhelmed and unsure of herself so she thinks if she doesn't try that hard at least she can justify it to herself that she didn't do well because she didn't try? What has made a bit of a difference though is parents evening this week where some of the teachers told her in no uncertain terms that she was capable of more. She has done more work since. Hopefully it will continue so she will see better results. So fingers crossed that may happen with your son this week after parents evening. Really think it's about their self esteem. Also, if she'll let me, I want to try and help her to break down the revision into manageable chunks. Best of luck, hope things improve.

You could think about a study skills tutor

Thanks @Westcoastlover I hope things work out for your daughter too.

Thanks @cathcath2 I've thought this too- but I think it's a big gap jn the market as most are subject focused.

I follow The Teen Coach on Instagram, she is a study skills/motivational coach for teens coming up to exams. Worth a look? I haven’t used her for my teen so can’t verify though!

I really sympathise Op, feels like my y11 DD is falling apart. We’ve gone from possible straight 8-9s to discussing whether she should drop a subject.

Thank you @WarningOfGails I'll definitely look her up.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter.

It's so hard to know whether to push them or accept that they feel they have less ability- I just don't know if it's true and what's best.

But I cannot give up on him- I just don't know what supporting him looks like.

My y11 is similar. She is doing nothing for mocks and is struggling with blind panic, not helped by constant questions about post16 education. I am leaving well alone. Accepting mocks will be horrible, and plan to chunk down revision for her after they are over. It's a massive task though and I'm not a teacher, also have younger sins to deal with. It has felt a very lonely and difficult few months since September hasn't it

@coronafiona yes you're so right, it's very lonely. My DS sounds just like your DC.
He did one set of mocks in Oct and has another in Jan.

I totally agree- there's so much talk about the future (which feels like pressure) and pressure to know what you want and decide. I think he wants to curl up and hide.

But on other hand, I want him to pull his finger out and do something!!!

@Ichangedmynameonce I'm exactly the same! On one hand I want to wrap her up in cotton wool and on the other hand I just want her to DO SOME REVISION! Maybe tutoring is the answer ?

My boyhas a tutor which helps him understand the subject he finds hard, but it's the organised , structured revision he lacks (or any revision actually!)

I really think I'd like a month or 2 off work to sort it all out and plan the work he should do and when he should do it.