Y7 struggling

[MuffinCoffee]

My DS is struggling in y7. Mainly during commute to and from school. There are certain characters from y9 who bother him. He has some nice friends in same year group but sometimes they do a different clubs and don't come together. I don't want him to miss anything but I am extremely anxious to the point I feel like changing schools. School have sanctioned the boy who causes the issue but my anxiety hasn't eased to the point I am considering leaving my job and just doing drops and pick ups. I think I am anxious as it was entirely unprovoked and I just feel helpless about everything being out of control. I don't know what I am looking for in this situation but I am feeling so low that I wanted to write this down somewhere and anonymous felt better. I also have SAD and feel low during winter months and have been trying to reach a GP but no luck.

I think you need to think hard about how much you are struggling versus how much your DS is struggling.
If school have sanctioned the main problem student, is your DS still experiencing problems? If so have you gone back to the school?
If he is normally able to travel with friends, it sounds like it isn't a major issue? I assume your DS has a phone with him to call for help/advice if necessary. And you have gone through different scenarios and advised how he can travel more safely?
I think the commute at the start of Y7 can be a shock to lots of kids, but by Christmas he will be completely used to it and it will be a normal part of his day.

Moving your DS because of your anxiety doesn't seem like the best idea. It's hard settling in Y7 and even harder if you arrive late. Is he otherwise happy at his school - you don't mention how he feels in all this?
Hope you manage to get your GP to sort some help for you.

Is he happy at school but it's just the commute that's an issue? If so please don't think about moving him.

How is your DS getting to and from school, public or school bus? Could he leave and catch an earlier bus, same in the afternoon maybe he could do some homework in the library for a bit.

It's not ideal and it's also not fair that his routine should be changed to avoid a troublemaker but it sounds like the school aren't going to do anything.

Thank you so much for your reply. He had good start until half term. Then after the break there was a bullying incident (on the coach) We reported to school and investigations happened. But during the process he was approached again in the school premises which is what set off my anxiety as they have cctv and is generally a safe environment. I have raised this again with school to have a place they can go to immediately instead of waiting till end of school to seek parents help. Phones not allowed in school has to be kept in lockers or turned off. So any update is just after the end of school. I won't imagine they will relax this for my DS. He can ofc use the phone during commute. We have also worked out a public transport route for him but it does get dark if he has clubs upto 4.45 pm. I really miss our primary school 5 mins away and wish he was not a summer born who has to start secondary at such a young age :(

**I mean school aren't going to do anything further if they've already sancantioned him.

Yes my worry is the commute and I think if I just find time to drop and pick up it should be a lot better. I am going to speak to my manager to see if I can work around this schedule. Thanks all for your replies. He is otherwise fine and has actually done well so far and has received his merits etc.

My husband actually doesn't want me to drop off and pick up we he wants to make him strong and this is entirely another issue. Am I over protecting ? I am not sure if this has any negative consequences. Kids born 2 months later in same year are still being dropped and picked at our primary school.

It sounds like your son is doing great despite the issues on the coach and that the school have dealt with it well. It is really difficult to give up control and not worry in this situation but I think picking up and dropping off your son would single him out and potentially cause more problems. It will also cause you more stress as you try to fit in school runs with your work. I think you would be best to focus your efforts on contacting your GP to discuss your anxiety. Or you could look into CBT or counselling. Hope you can find support.

Thank you @kaffkooks I think this is what my husband worries about. DS potentially missing out in the social aspect of travelling to school. How do we enable kids to become stronger and resilient? He has some lovely friends has always been social. I guess your right I need to find some help and all this has set me off on a downward spiral. Thanks all who have replied. I was put on a one hour call to gp reception only to be told they don't have any emergency appointments today and next available is in December and to go to A and E. So I am grateful for all kind replies.

I think you need to let go. Let school deal with it. Millions of young year 7 navigate all sorts of public transport & characters. In our urban area like many many others, no Year6 are dropped off / picked up so tbh you are making a bit of an invalid comparison. I'd expect Yr6 to walk to and from school or cycle unless they live rural and/or miles away.

I'm sorry the situation is making you so anxious - I didn't mean to be harsh. But if you can relax & let him sort it out it'll hopefully work out fine,
Trust the school to deal with it

Hi it's just a mothers instinct that makes me worry more. I feel like he isn't sharing everything that has happened. He has woken up crying and said another boy tried to call him a bad word at the lockers which I told him to ignore or complain to teachers. I will go and try to meet the pastoral head again. I am just so worried he is now a target for some.

Email the pastoral team and form tutor. They should meet with your DS and help sort out what's going on & deal with it. Schools deal with this stuff all the time.
Is it a school coach - is it a rural school or a private one? Whichever, you shouldn't be forced not to use it.
In school tell him to stick in a group as less likely for a bully to pick on him

Is the journey to school in the morning OK?
And the days he stays for clubs is the journey home OK (apart from it getting dark)?

An older child trying to call him a bad word at the lockers isn't pleasant but isn't necessarily bullying. Could your DH practise some responses with him for times someone says something he doesn't like? Your DS can choose to not respond, could roll his eyes and walk off, laugh or could reply, "whatever" and practise looking unbothered. Although it feels hard, having something said to him once or twice isn't a sign he will become a target.

What is it that happened on the coach journey? Has it happened more than once or is your anxiety related to the possibility it may happen again?

Are you someone who finds it helpful to look at things objectively e.g. 'DS goes on the school coach ten times a week, for 6 weeks (60 journeys) it was fine, one journey wasn't. That's 1.64% of the journeys up to then but he's had another 2 weeks (20 journeys) since so the unhappy journey represents 1.25%.'

The more journeys he has on the coach, the less of an impact that single event will have. Likewise the unkind comment at the lockers, can you calculate how many times other students have said something positive or neutral, or smiled at him, or not interacted at all?

We all want our children to be happy and to feel safe but sometimes our focus shifts and instead of looking at all the times this was true, we seek out the times it wasn't. That then gives the unhappy/unsafe times a lot more headspace than may be helpful. It's easy to get into the habit of asking, 'Was Bully Boy on the bus today? Did anyone say anything mean to you?' but that doesn't help your DS identify the parts of the day that were fine and he'll never learn to share those or to develop a sense of perspective. Encourage him to tell you about chess club, or what they did in PE etc. - he will know you worry about the things that don't go well and that you expect to hear about those, training him to find positives (or 'not negatives') in each day may help both of you.

If you arrange to drop your DS at school every day and to collect him, you will send a message to him that says you believe he cannot cope with a 1.25% rate of discomfort. If you arrange to collect him from school once a week at 4.45pm after a club because it's dark and the coach has gone, that sends quite a different message.

Do speak to the school and ask their advice on building DS's resilience if you would find that helpful and if you're able to implement what they suggest.

@MuffinCoffee I think this has a few layers to it. Firstly, you need to stop focusing on what you cannot change and that is when your son's birthday falls. He is in year 7 and will continue to be in it. Both my sons are summer borns too.

Secondly, sadly children are looking for weaknesses in other children hence the name calling. I agree with SE13 You can practise with your son and a mirror doing a I am not bothered face, no reaction to it. He can build on this by learning to say things back, not to antagonise but to show he isn't bothered. Mine would both do a long drawn out okay or a whatever and then just carry on doing what they were doing. Fake it till you make it, you might feel worried but act like you aren't.

Any incidents where he feels threatened he needs to report it, if he doesn't then it will escalate. It is great that there is cctv and after the initial coach incident the year 9 boy was spoken to. All good. For now I would let him continue to catch the coach and see what happens from now on. You cannot wrap them up in cotton wool as much as we would all like to do that.

You chose the school for a reason, remember what that is. When my sons came home from school they would look at their timetable and tell me and Dh at the dinner table what they covered in each subject. Focus on the academic stuff, find out what he had for lunch, ask him what the best part of his day was. Don't just make school about any potential incidents.

Everyone is finding their feet in the first term of year 7, talk to pastoral and get them to check in with your son. He is probably worried about telling you things because of your reaction to it. I told both my sons that just like primary school there will always be arseholes in your class, in your wider friendship group and eventually in the place you work. It will never go away and so we have to learn how to be in the same space as them. You could talk about your own experience or your Dh can.

Ds1 is 20 and at uni and still has an arsehole in his wider friendship group who tells him his degree is worthless (it's computer science) his uni is shit (it's a top 10 highly regarded one) and that it won't amount to anything (he has a gradute job offer following a summer internship) so Ds knows this kid is full of shit and will do anything to take him down. Luckily Ds doesn't believe it and will soon be in a very well paid job. He knows this is all about the other kid's insecurity. No one who is happy spends their days verbally or physically attacking other people.

Thank you @FrameItDelia and @SE13Mummy,
All your advice is really helpful as I am trying to navigate the whole secondary school systems here. I am having a really bad morning as some more things have happened.

He took the public transport (bus) yesterday evening and felt much better, today morning I dropped him as it was raining and the buses were late. He has chosen not to go on the coach as he says there are more kids in the buses and it's more 'fun'. I have no issues with this as coach is booked for a term and I am ok to lose the money if it's just for his happiness.

On the way to school he opened up more about the locker incident. An older boy tried to hug him in a way he said felt weird so he said leave me but he tried to hug him again and he had pushed him and then came the verbal abuse. He said he tried to say no politely but the boy seemed to want to hug him and this was after he changed to his PE clothes and he said it made him uncomfortable. I immediately approached the pastoral head and have reported this. Everyone is shocked such an incident happened and the head of the school has emails us that it will be investigated. I am not sure the coach incident is related but I am unable to process why this week has been so hard. He had a perfectly good half term before October holidays. He is a not had a single issue in primary school or his own year group. He she made new friends who even message him or go to the shops to buy snacks after they come to the bus stop and never ever had issues like this. I feel so broken and I am waiting to hear more about the school. They confirmed it two unrelated incidents and just our bad luck it happened on the same week. I don't know any real life friends I can speak to about this so I am sharing here to find out if such things happen.

This is a school with good reputation and many of our primary kids have gone there every year and no one has ever had a problem. Some 7 boys have gone from his own class. The pastoral head said this incident is really v disturbing as she hasn't handled this situation in recent years especially in such young age group. I do want to believe it was just a misunderstanding and an attempt to be friendly but the older kid is not a friend of my son other than briefly passing by each other he says he has seen him in clubs or library or something.

@MuffinCoffee at primary he was probably with 30 children, secondary adds at least another 200 children to that. My son's secondary has 1450 children on roll. Children from all different schools whose discipline may or may not have been as strong as your son's primary. I have worked in a primary school we don't tell parents everything that goes on, every fall out etc only if it was serious. There were probably lots of issues not necessarily your child but others.

Kids are weird, they do things without thinking things through like hugging some random kid in the corridor. It is probably just coincidence that two things happened.

There is a huge shift for parents from primary where they have one teacher and you pick them up from school and you see all the other parents. Secondary they have numerous teachers and you rarely see other parents. They make friends with children you have never seen.

School sound like they are dealing with everything which is great.

Thanks @FrameItDelia, yes I am holding on to hope that it's just a coincidence but I have to talk to him about the I am not bothered face. School have said they are handling this. I am waiting for them to get back to me and I hope they are speaking to him today for reassurance.
I just worry he is giving out some vibes that he is an easy target. He is generally very sweet and polite but a bit naive. Yes the number of kids has drastically increased and more personalities to deal with has just added to the complexity.

Great news that the public bus was a success - that's a good way forward.

Unwanted touching/hugging is not OK and it's good the school is taking that seriously. Hopefully the person at school who speaks to him will reassure him it's being dealt with but also that saying, "Don't touch me" or even shouting, "Get off me!" is the right thing to do and won't get him into trouble. If the name-calling was in response to your DS objecting to being hugged, it sounds as though the older boy was embarrassed at being 'rejected'. That doesn't change the situation but may help you and your DS to think through possible explanations for the unpleasantness that aren't to do with your DS being a target. I would hope the school might look into limiting the older boy's access to lockers/giving him one away from the younger children.

Thanks @SE13Mummy, I was told we will be called for a meeting. So one of the things I am planning to ask is more monitoring of lockers by a member of staff and also if this particular older boys' activities can be monitored as he may be knowingly or unknowingly causing distress to others. I have a feeling the y8/9 kids were ones who who were impacted more by lockdown period and have missed some of the phse and social skills in primary. We had the odd play ground name calling in primary when schools went back and kids were still unsettled but they were quickly dealt with and we definitely had a very good phse teacher which was probably lucky.