Kid won't go to school - advice, and how did yours turn out?

[Paulie76]

Hi all,

I'm new to the forum and could do with a bit of help/advice/people to chat to as I'm struggling to find sources to turn to. My eldest child who it's fair to say has never been all that fond of school is now two years out from his GCSEs and seems to be throwing in the towel, refusing to go in, study, do his homework etc. He is given detentions which he doesn't attend; has been threatened with suspension which also doesn't faze him. It's bewildering and frustrating for his mum and me since we're both well-educated and were relatively high achievers at school.

As well as any advice on how to handle I'd also be curious to hear from anyone who experienced a similar thing with their own kids, and how they turned out after they left school (presumably at 16)? Just trying to get a bit of perspective.

Thanks in advance,

Paul

Won’t or can’t? Can he tell you why he’s always struggled with school? Are you sure there are no underlying SEN/neurodiversity/unmet needs?
Is all this difficult/defiant behaviour possibly covering up underlying anxiety?

I can’t say how things turned out as we’re not there yet but I have one who couldn’t go to school for 2 years in primary - he always ‘hated’ school, was verbally and physically aggressive etc. Turns out he’s autistic, had high anxiety and just didn’t feel safe in school at all. He’s doing well in specialist secondary now.

My other one currently can’t attend secondary (yr 8 ) due to anxiety - his presents more as panic attacks and tears rather than aggression and I’m not sure yet how we’re going to sort things out for him - school is just too stressful and pressured it seems.

If you could understand more about what’s not working at school it might help, you could also look into local colleges that take 14-16yr olds? Might he feel happier with the more ‘grown up’ college environment?

Have you asked him what he wants to do? Does he even know what he wants to do?

Education is always there no matter your age so he can always go back to it if he wants.

I understand you want him to do well at school but just because you and your wife were high achievers, it doesn't mean he is or wants to be.

You can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do so you need to give him options. College, apprenticeship, work or school.

Have you spoken to the school about how to support him attending? Any difficulties that make it difficult for him to access education like bullying, autism, adhd, poor mental health, dyslexia, etc? Why is the school handing out detention when he's going to school? I can see why he doesn't want to go. You're frustrated at him, the schools frustrated at him - he can't please any of you.

Not fine in school Facebook group if you haven’t already

The detentions happen by default for late and non-attendance. Basically he hasn't engaged for a number of years and has now ended up on the "bad" side of the year in a bunch of classes with people he doesn't know or like. So he does feel uncomfortable in that regard. Quite possibly somewhere on the spectrum as well, I suspect.

We have explained the situation of his discomfiture to his head of year who unfortunately is refusing to bend.

I appreciate he doesn't need or necessarily want to be a high achiever at school but I do believe he should attend and do the best he can at his GCSEs. At least to try. Yes of course he can still do well without these but he's surely putting himself at a disadvantage.

Perhaps taking a look at the college line might be the way to go, thank you for this suggestion. A change of scene may be of benefit. But can you leave secondary school as a 14/15 year old and go to a college instead? I thought they were more for school leavers i.e. post-GCSE?

I understand that you believe he should try harder but this school is clearly not the right or supportive environment for him. Not only is he being punished at school for attending but not in the way the school want him to, he's also feeling the frustrations of mum and dad at home for not trying hard enough. He's getting it from all angles.

That's a lot of pressure for a child you believe has undiagnosed autism. Pressure and the wrong environment, I'm not surprised he's not going.

Appreciate your input. He's either attending late or not attending so I can understand why the school is punishing (though he has been excused a good number of times). If he attended in a punctual manner there would be no punishments.

But that aside - in practical terms, what would you suggest? Try moving him to a different school? We have asked him what he's interested in doing when he's older but no definite ideas (which is fair enough given his age).

Sounds very like my son was at that age. Bright but never a fan of school, especially not secondary school which required him to plan and organise his work and his kit.

It was an ongoing struggle to keep him up to speed with homework and tasks and had a bad attitude to discipline and detention. The school staff were zealots and punishments were handed out for the slightest infringement.
Due to a family emergency I took my eye off the ball and within months he had scored abysmally in SATS tests and was moved from the top to the bottom set without any discussion with us.
He struggled to fit in and adopted the personna of “ class clown”, became very popular, but was on a fast track to exclusion.

We managed to get him a place in a small alternative provision for school refusers. He sat some GCSEs but did very poorly.

The turning point came as soon as he entered the world of work. He was treated like an adult but had to behave like an adult. It wasn’t all perfect but so much better than it had been when he was in education.

He has gone on to have a very successful career. He had a 6 year head start on his school friends and was earning well and firmly established in the world of work while they were still on gap years.
We are quite an academic family and it is he who often mentions his lack of qualifications.
I suspect he has issues relating to this
and it has probably dented his self esteem.

Would a pathway into work or an apprenticeship be worth discussing with your son?
Academia is not suited to everyone’s style of learning.
I’m sure the pandemic has also played a part in your son’s situation . It must be very hard to go back after long periods of home schooling if you weren’t enjoying school pre Covid.

Can't or won't go to school is what you need to work out.

If you think he is on the spectrum then you need to follow up and have a meeting with the school Sendco and then your GP.

If punctuality and ASD is likely then adjustments can be put in place so that he starts later without it tarnishing his attendance. My daughter goes through main reception, I registers that she is on school property with the receptionists and then wait with her in the car until all the other students have gone in and then she goes to the Sendco or her pastoral lead on tricky mornings.

If autism and burnout aren't likely then make school a smaller part of the day, fill out of school with useful hobbies that link with the curriculum and employment so he can see the transition. Look at wildlife trusts for young Warden programmes where they get to use hand tools whilst conserving the environment.
See if a garage will take him for some work experience/ 'Saturday lad'. Look at craft workshops you might be able to do together like black smithing. It doesn't matter what but school needs to become a less encompassing part of his day and he has something else to look forward to outside of it that teaches him other skills

There are special college courses for 14 -16 year olds which for many who can't cope with mainstream (for whatever reason) are brilliant.
There are also UTCs (University Technical Colleges) which are for 14-18 year olds which specialise in mostly STEM education but there are also some for Media and the Arts.
Have a look what is available in your area.

Thank you all for your helpful suggestions. @Missmillymollymandy - bells ringing all over the place there :)

We will look into some alternative colleges and see what's on offer. Something in the vocational or STEM line I think may have possibilities.

Thank you again.

Op I've been thinking about this thread all day but couldn't get back to it. My son is 15 and in the last two years every week and sometimes more he'd ask could he have a day off, saying he didn't feel well.

All I knew was that smiley happy go lucky ds had faded so much and didn't want to go to school. So we talked to him. Every time we said 'I don't get it' or 'I don't understand' he was gone. He'd walk off and go to his room. We argued and talked, speaking carefully, we lost it, we made so many mistakes

He never did homework or study. Never. The worst thing (we thought) was he's insanely quick to pick up on things and was heading for honours everything IF he had done any work (eg dh going through maths with him and he'd pick it up in an instant, teachers gushing but saying he had to put some work in and he'd be fine etc). The thing I didn't really connect was that just because someone shows aptitude if that isn't who they are it doesn't matter. Yes it's great to have grades behind you because the more you have standing for you the better, but it's not the only way at all.

The thing is we both went to university too and worked our asses off all the time and we assumed it was always a given all of our kids would do computers or the like like dh but then ds started showing a love for woodwork and he was so into it and put that with the amount of tech companies dropping people like flies, the amount of places that shut down over covid and added to that the amount of suicides and mental health issues I had heard of. It kind of showed us that all that matters is that they're happy and good people. That they keep living and like living. We asked for him to change some subjects, and he did and was so much happier for it. We threw ourselves into sitting with him playing fort nite and the like, doing board games, getting out places. We let him out with his friends more and the odd lunch time in school we threw him some money to go to the canteen. he still did no study and it's still a battle but now we nudge instead of push and he's back to himself, tells us about woodwork stuff which he's excited about, or technical graphics, talks more and doesn't stop going to school which is the relief to end all reliefs. I couldn't give the slightest about his exams now, he'll find a way to do something either way and even if he doesn't he'll still be here at least (we were that worried)

We know a number of people who have done what's called the applied leaving cert over here (leaving cert is the final exam here) which is more practical and so better for people who find it more difficult to just learn off reams and reams, you can also leave at 16 and go into an apprenticeship. Best of luck with it all, I hope that no matter what you get your little boy back. It is so hard. Take care op and sorry for the lengthy as just to let you know that someone else went through somewhat similar and came out the other side (kinda!)

How has this panned out for you?

My daughters left their high schools at year 9/10 to go to UTCs - one to JCB Academy (engineering) and one Birmingham Ormiston Academy (performing arts) they were both happier there than ordinary school.. the engineering one left at 16, is now in year 3 of an apprenticeship in mechatronics maintenance engineering earning £30k at age 18 with a guaranteed job at the end. She loves it. She did need gcse maths & English. She has ADHD & anxiety and was always in trouble at school. Private diagnosis at 15 helped x

Also reading this wondering how things are going OP?

Hello all

After we had a good chat with the school they have made a few changes such as adjusting his seating arrangements and so on. He is a lot happier now and I'm pleased about that. Motivation and attendance is still very patchy however (second day of two unexplained absences today as I write) and GCSEs I think are going to be mediocre at best. Fundamentally academia just isn't for him I guess. As to what happens next, who knows. But he's a nice lad at heart and I'm hopeful things will work out ok.

What is he doing when he doesn't go to school? Is he doing something constructive or watching day time TV / X box? What age did this start at? What is he interested in? Maybe he needs a wake up in terms of the lifestyle he would like and what he is likely to be able to afford if he does nothing?

Have you tried disciplining him yourself? I was never very keen on school. But I sure as hell knew it was not an option. I went, got descent grades....bc anything less was not an option. My parents would never have accepted that. I would have been punished, things taken away etc. But this sort of stuff needs to happen early on and nipped in the bud. If you let them get away with too much then they wont care later on. I knew if I did not get good grades I would not be allowed things like tv, to go out w friends etc. Also, I was rewarded for good grades....so that was incentive too.

Thanks for your replies. Yep tried all that stuff but he's stubborn as a mule! In terms of how long going on, pretty much since the start of senior school though has been particularly difficult the last 18 months or so.

But what does he do when he's not at school? I'd make his time pretty boring i.e. no electronics and doing work books at home.

Finding a supportive school has been the key for us. Ds is a bit younger and has an autism diagnosis. We occasionally have some slow mornings , and he leaves early sometimes if he’s feeling overwhelmed. But he’s getting to school everyday now.

We’re not expecting any miracles in exams (junior cert - Ireland) but if he does them without falling apart we’ll be happy with that. It’s all ultimately a dress rehearsal for the leaving certificate. I think the Irish education system is a little more forgiving in that respect and gives those dc that haven’t got their shit together at 15 a better chance.

His school are brilliant - they’ve accommodated him in so many ways, taken his worries seriously, worked to build trust. He’s very bright and able, and he’d have fallen through the cracks in another school.

If home education is feasible, several young performers I know use Kings Inter High.