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Secondary education

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Original poster

Do I need to include DD dad?

19 replies

suffjet · 04/10/2023 14:10

Split from dd dad when she was a toddler- I have done her secondary school application.

He is involved in her life and has PR.

I didn't add him or speak to him regarding it. He is now upset with me.

Was I wrong? I know he has 'rights'. But didn't think I needed to add him onto the application. He knows what school she is going to as it's a two min walk away!

OP posts:
dayofcheese · 04/10/2023 14:22

What was the question asked?

Fink · 04/10/2023 14:29

Short answer: yes, you were wrong.

Does he not agree with the school choices, or did he just want his name to be on the form as well as yours?

Since he has PR, he has the right to have a say in the school choices. Ideally the two of you would agree, but if not then there are various levels of mediation (although, practically speaking, you would have had to get that started very early to still be able to submit an application this year). So yes, YABU if you did that without him.

If he agreed to the school choices but is just upset because his name isn't on the application, then you can rectify that by asking for the form to be updated.

Just because you're not together doesn't alter the fact that you're both the child's parents.

Original poster
suffjet · 04/10/2023 14:30

dayofcheese · 04/10/2023 14:22

What was the question asked?

He asked if I had done the application, to which I said yes. He said we should have done it together/spoken about it. Then asked if I put his contact info down and I said no! As she lives with me!

OP posts:
Original poster
suffjet · 04/10/2023 14:32

Fink · 04/10/2023 14:29

Short answer: yes, you were wrong.

Does he not agree with the school choices, or did he just want his name to be on the form as well as yours?

Since he has PR, he has the right to have a say in the school choices. Ideally the two of you would agree, but if not then there are various levels of mediation (although, practically speaking, you would have had to get that started very early to still be able to submit an application this year). So yes, YABU if you did that without him.

If he agreed to the school choices but is just upset because his name isn't on the application, then you can rectify that by asking for the form to be updated.

Just because you're not together doesn't alter the fact that you're both the child's parents.

He lives 200 miles away- our communication isn't great and in fact he's taking me to court regarding something else so I think he's just trying to dig deep here with whatever he can for court.

He knows the school she'll be attending. It's obvious. It's the school my dd wants to attend and all her friends will be going.

OP posts:
Raineverywhere · 04/10/2023 14:33

His name should be on the form too.
Would you like it if he did the application and left your name out?

Original poster
suffjet · 04/10/2023 14:34

Raineverywhere · 04/10/2023 14:33

His name should be on the form too.
Would you like it if he did the application and left your name out?

No but I am the resident parent so that wouldn't happen anyway.

OP posts:
Raineverywhere · 04/10/2023 14:34

Sorry, hadn't seen your update

Thisisme23 · 04/10/2023 14:34

But if he still is involved in her life he still should be listed as a contact so that he sees info about the school and can get updates on childs progress etc.

As he lives a distance away I can see why you didn't discuss choice of school with him but you could of just told him "BTW I have sent in application for childs place at xxxx school"

TulipsTulipTulips · 04/10/2023 14:34

YABVU.

Of course he wants to at least have a discussion about schools, and of course he should be on the forms.

He is her father.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 04/10/2023 14:35

If he has PR and you co-parent then yes, you should have at least discussed it with him. The school will need details of anyone with parental responsibility as part of the admissions paperwork.

Zhampagne · 04/10/2023 14:36

He has parental responsibility and is involved in her life. Of course you should have discussed this with him.

meditrina · 04/10/2023 14:36

You did the wrong thing

Everyone with PR should be on the form (regardless of day to day living arrangements)

Yes you should have discussed this with him. I mean it doesn’t sound as if he’s been remotely unreasonable about the substance of the issue. But you are being unreasonable in not discussing important issues with the other parent, especially as you say he is involved in her life

Apologise, and fix it by updating the application (and for heavens sake make sure the updated version goes through properly)

meditrina · 04/10/2023 14:41

suffjet · 04/10/2023 14:34

No but I am the resident parent so that wouldn't happen anyway.

Show quote history

It could happen - he has exactly the same right as you to make the application because he has PR.

So if he’d just done it (“Oh we were talking about schools, so I just did it, and as it’s the one near you I didn’t mention it”) would you mind?

Duxelle · 04/10/2023 14:42

Unless he's abusive and you have reason not to - I think you've been unreasonable. Just because you're not together doesn't mean he can't have input into these things. He does have rights, paternal rights.

My ex is an abusive ar*ehole and I kept him off the primary application and I will for secondary also as he lives miles away and DD only sees him fortnightly in a contact centre.

However, if he was as involved as your ex is, I would have asked for his input.

Needmorelego · 04/10/2023 14:47

When I did my daughter's secondary application you could only apply under one parent name.
It was all under my husband's name because they ask to see bills etc as proof of address and the bills are under his name.
But her actual school contact information has both our names.
Explain to him that his details will be on her records but it wasn't needed for the application.
He can't apply because he lives 200 miles away.

dayofcheese · 04/10/2023 15:33

You're putting your personal feelings above what is the correct thing to do. You need to stop doing that for your child's sake

Fink · 04/10/2023 15:47

suffjet · 04/10/2023 14:32

He lives 200 miles away- our communication isn't great and in fact he's taking me to court regarding something else so I think he's just trying to dig deep here with whatever he can for court.

He knows the school she'll be attending. It's obvious. It's the school my dd wants to attend and all her friends will be going.

Show quote history

In that case you've made it even worse. He's already taking you to court over something, and you've given him evidence that you've been excluding him from decisions he has a right to make jointly with you.

The outcome might well have been the same, regarding which schools were chosen in which order of priority, but he should have been involved in the process. At the very least, you should have sent an email asking to discuss it, and if he said something like 'I don't know, I don't live in that area, you choose', then that would have been his prerogative. But you didn't give him the option.

By the way, since the application is ongoing, neither he nor you know which school your daughter is going to, surely? He only knows what your first choice was. Did you discuss the order of the choices with him, which other schools to put on the application? Or did you literally not discuss it with him at all and choose all 4 - 6 schools alone?

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 04/10/2023 15:51

I thought you could change the application upto a certain date, if that's the case and date not changed ask him to come up and view the schools with you. If he wants his details on the school records he can call them and add himself.

MarchingFrogs · 04/10/2023 16:08

Needmorelego · 04/10/2023 14:47

When I did my daughter's secondary application you could only apply under one parent name.
It was all under my husband's name because they ask to see bills etc as proof of address and the bills are under his name.
But her actual school contact information has both our names.
Explain to him that his details will be on her records but it wasn't needed for the application.
He can't apply because he lives 200 miles away.

Yes, you are correct - you can only make one application and by one person - the system assumes that parents who are not living together, but both have parental responsibility, have discussed the application to be made (and differences have to be sorted out through a legal process if necessary). So if, for some reason, from 200 miles away, the OP's ex feels that he would have preferred different schools to be listed / same schools, but in a different order, or whatever (has the DD indicated to him that she is unhappy with the way the CAF has been completed?), he has a right to express this and they should sort it out between them, the CAF being amended if necessary. The CAF of the LA where the DD and the OP are resident is the one to be submitted.

It is at the stage of an actual school place having been allocated that the details of both parents should be noted, in the paperwork that will be sent by the school itself.

Only the one parent completes the CAF, even where both parents and the dc all live together.

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