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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Shown myself up at school

27 replies

Wereallcrazynow · 05/03/2008 14:31

My DS is 14 and is always in trouble for being silly. He's not a bully, he's just very, very immature, easily led and likes to be laughed at. This has been the same all through primary and secondary school.

Anyway he was suspended for 2 days last week for locking his friend in a toilet cubicle and leaving him there for 2 hours. He went back last thursday and he's been in trouble non stop since.

Anyway I got called in today and was read a catalogue of incidents involving DS since last thursday.

Thing is some of them were actually funny and I had to contain myself so hard throughout and I could see that the head was starting to notice which just made it worse. Part of it was the way the head was reading the stuff out.

Anyway the final one was that he'd written "BO Brig" on the whiteboard in reference to his teachers BO problem. When he said it I just burst out laughing, tried to disguise it as a cough which just made it even worse and by the end I had to apologise and leave.

My excuse - My son has been a constant cause of worry and concern for me since he learnt to walk, I have had years of teachers complaining about him, other parents, neighbours...I'm a single parent and in the end was advised to pick my battles with him. Therefore the dafter stuff I ignore, the worse stuff I come down hard on. I also suffer from a terrible nervous laugh which is worse under pressure.

I have not heard from the school yet since I walked out, what should I do? Write and apologise? phone and apologise or just leave it?? I'm sure they're probably thinking we're one of "those families" now but its not that I find his behaviour funny...its just that from all the other stuff he could be doing and probably will be doing next week...I just couldn't help but laugh at a daft comment wrote on a board.

Am I making too much light of this? seriousness of it is that I'm hugely embarrassed and don't know what to do next

OP posts:

Blandmum · 05/03/2008 14:36

Locking someone in the toilets is quite a dangerous thing to do, if there had been a fire, he might not have been able to get out.

He could also get into trouble for 'skiving' a lesson.

The BO thing was insulting, deeply insulting. I bet if the teacher had written it about your son, you wouldn't have thought it was funny.

I think you are making light of this, individually these may be lesser problems, but put together they are painting a picture of a child who is becomeing out of control, sorry, but that is how I read it.

And while it may well be sensible for you to pick your fights (and I think that it might well be) the *school cannot do that, because of the message that it sends to the other 29 kids in the class.

I'd write and tell thenm that the laughter was nervous, and that you do intend to take it all seriously, make another appointment and agree a common stratagy with the school

nametaken · 05/03/2008 15:28

what MB said

clarinsgirl · 05/03/2008 15:32

He will think you are 'one of those families'. You sound like 'one of those families'. If you're not then forget about being embarrassed and make an appointment with the Head to explain your worries about your son and perhaps he will be able to help you.

Christywhisty · 05/03/2008 15:40

My son is a victim of this sillyness at the moment, from his point of view he is being bullied and is very upset by it.

TheFallenMadonna · 05/03/2008 15:42

God yes. What MB said.

WallOfSilence · 05/03/2008 15:47

It sounds like you are encouraging your son tbh.

I know you don't mean to, but it sounds like you are.

It sounds like the school will have to discipline him & try to make up for lack of discipline at home.

nervousal · 05/03/2008 15:52

echo what was said above. If someone locked my daughter in a toilet for 2 hours I wouldn't think it was silliness.

andienovicehabitlifter · 05/03/2008 15:52

agree with what everyone else has said my ds was bullied too and many of the incidents may have seemed silly to the boy who did them and his parents but added all together they were pretty grim
I think you need to take it all a bit more seriously and maybe your son will
I would be embarassed if I was in your shoes but you need to model adult behaviour

potoftea · 05/03/2008 15:57

Being locked up for 2 hours could cause a life-long fear of enclosed spaces, and if it happened to my ds I would be up at the school baying for blood, suspending the other boy for 2 days wouldn't be enough for me, I'd want him murdered ; I may be overacting somewhat due to my own clausterphobia. (sorry don't know how to spell it, only how to panic).

But seriously, the school will now have the opinion that you are not interested in helping them deal with your ds, so you must either phone or write to the head and explain that it was nervous laughter, and ask for another appointment.

Lulumama · 05/03/2008 15:58

you have to come down much much harder, if you laugh at what your son does, it is going to undermine any sanctions or punishment you give.

you are the parent, the adult, the role model... you have to have zero tolerance of any sort of stupidity and silliness at school, IMO

suspended for locking someone in the toilets and yet proceeds to be part of a catalogue of incidents the following week... ?

something is not right somewhere

Troutpout · 05/03/2008 16:01

What Mb said

CrushWithEyeliner · 05/03/2008 16:03

god the toilet thing sounds awful - surely you see how serious this was?

Agree with MB totally really - why did you leave after laughing about it? I don't get how you could consider leaving this one dangling, of course you have to go back. You say he's been a problem for a long while, maybe your attitude has enabled this behavior. Sorry, but what he is doing does sound really horrid and spiteful....

Piffle · 05/03/2008 16:03

I suspect permanent exclusion or isolation for your son will be their next step. Can't say I blame them. You need to go cap in hand tell them you are struggling with his behaviour and ask for them to assist you with a way forward which will be fully supported by you.

AdamAnt · 05/03/2008 16:08

I totally agree with the other posters, but I do sympathise deeply with you re: the nervous laughter. I suffer from this too, and it's just mortifying (I was shaking with laughter during the scattering of my grandmother's ashes).

I think you need to write a grovelling letter.

hippipotami · 05/03/2008 16:10

Good grief, that sillyness is not sillyness at all, but outright stupid behaviour. Locking his friend in the toilet and leaving him for two hours? I am glad I am not your ds's friend! That is bullying in my book, and dangerous, and outright not acceptable.

And the BO comment is, as someone has already said, deeply deeply insulting.

I suffer from nervous laughter too, but in a situation like this I would never ever laugh.

Please take this behaviour seriously, go back into school and sort this out.
Otherwise your ds's behaviour will get even more out of control and you will find you have very little left to laugh about, nervously or not.

QueenMeabhOfConnaught · 05/03/2008 17:05

What do you mean "Part of it was the way the head was reading the stuff out."? What was he doing - was he saying: "Oh wait till you hear this one, ha, ha."? I bet he looked deadly serious and expected you to be the same.

People can laugh at inappropriate moments but I do not think you are treating this seriously enough. You need to grovel to the school and work out an action plan with them. If you really can't cope with your son, maybe Social Services need to be involved - they may have access to help for you.

Pennies · 05/03/2008 17:12

ladette · 05/03/2008 17:21

My DS had also been in trouble constantly through his school life. I say "had" because he's turned the corner (fairly typical now he's in Yr 10, so I'm told). Some of the things he's been in trouble for have been less serious than others. Not qualified to comment on the seriousness of your DS's actions, but others have done that already. We have always supported the school (because for the most part, their judgements have been fair). Even if we think they have over-reacted, we have told our DS that rules are rules, and whether we/he agree with them, when you are in school, you abide by school rules. In our house, you abide by our rules. In other people's houses, you abide by their rules. Therefore, I agree with MB's suggestion re how to handle. If you work with the school, it really does affect the teachers' desire to help your child. But also would add, I feel for you, not a nice position to be in.

pointydog · 05/03/2008 17:25

oh puhleeze

edam · 05/03/2008 17:29

I sympathise with you re. the nervous laugh, but agree with the general tone of this thread that you have to take your son's behaviour very seriously.

Contact the school, explain that you are sorry you had to leave in a hurry but you suffer from a nervous reaction to stressful/formal situations, and would like to discuss how to sort your sons' behaviour out. Make it clear you recognise that this is important and that you will back the school up.

HTH

janeite · 05/03/2008 17:32

If you don't show respect for what the head is saying, then how do you expect your son to?

If you really think it's funny, then I imagine your son will be in far worse trouble before long. If you really DON'T think it's funny and it was nerves, then you should do as others say, contact the school, apologise and work with them to sort out your son's behaviour now, before it all becomes even more serious.

jalopy · 05/03/2008 17:33

Another big yawn...they're all out today.

ProfessorGrammaticus · 05/03/2008 17:36

What MartianBishop said.

Blandmum · 05/03/2008 17:41

TBH I wouldn't crucify yourself over the laughing, as I'm sure the school will have seen it all, and worse, many times before.

But getting your son's behaviour sorted is the issue, and for that to happen, you and the school need to agree what happens next.

This sort of stuff can look trivial, but it will be having a significant effect on his progress (when the teachers are sorting his behaviour in the lesson, they can't be teaching him) and also the progress of all the other kids in the class.

The 'BO' comment is insulting and written on the board would have triggered a significant disruption to the class, since you son is 'playing to the crowd' to get laughs. Classroom managment is a complex issue and you only need one or two people playing the fool to totaly wreck the lesson. Which is why the school is reacting as it is.

Plis if ths sort of this isn't stopped at a fairly minor level, it lends to get worse. Not in all cases but in many of them.

By working with the school you increase the chances of sorting his behavior our, which will help the school and you, and most of all your son.

catinthehat · 05/03/2008 17:42

Gosh, 2 nervous laughter/silly little boy threads going at the same time!

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