School refusal - what do I do?

[IrisEmily]

I have a DD age 13, in year 9. She was diagnosed with autism, inattentive type ADHD, anxiety and OCD earlier in the year after years of issues at school, with friendships etc. She found the transition to secondary school (state school with 1,500 pupils) very difficult and, after a pretty traumatic Year 7, her attendance started to drop in Year 8, to the point where she rarely went to school at all by the end of the year. By the end of Year 8, her therapist gave us a letter for the school saying she had autistic burnout. She has self-harmed and had suicidal thoughts. We had a great Summer holiday and she was actually quite excited to go back. However, we are now on the 3rd day of term and she went on the first day, had a lousy day and now refuses to go at all. I can see that she is unlikely to go back at all and I don't know what to do. The Head of Year at school is very nice, but he just says tell us what you want and we will try to accommodate it. I don't even know what to suggest, other than a reduced timetable and time in their pastoral area to reduce the pressure on her. We have been doing this in Year 8 and it clearly isn't working, so what else is there?. There is no online or remote provision or anything she can do at home and she refuses to do homework.. The SENCO is, again, very nice, but puts up barriers to anything I suggest, even an EHCP, and says the school is doing everything that an EHCP would offer. I am going to make an EHCNA application very shortly though and see what happens, though I have been told that it will take a long time and will almost certainly be turned down. The medical professionals involved (a CAMHS CBT counsellor, a private therapist and a private psychiatrist) are all very adamant that we should prioritise her mental health over her school attendance and have said that if the school starts to kick off over her attendance then we should home school. This is not something I could handle; my husband suffers from some mental and physical health chronic conditions and I work 3 days per week in a difficult job with an unsupportive manager where I am struggling to keep on top of what basically is a full-time workload. I am overwhelmed running around after everyone and trying to manage the house, garden and life in general. My daughter is an only child and she has two very good friends at school and I think she could benefit from spending time with other children, rather than on her own at home all day so I want to encourage her to go to school. We are looking into a small, independent school for her. I received a very negative and disapproving reaction from the therapist and psychiatrist over saying that I couldn't homeschool. My response was highlighted in quotes in the report they wrote after the meeting and I am very uncomfortable about the whole thing. It makes me feel nervous and that maybe it was the wrong reaction, whether I should just bite the bullet and homeschool, whether this is a reasonable expectation of most parents. I just know it would be so overwhelming though. I feel totally overloaded. We have found a lovely Montessori senior school for DD which she really liked and she wants to go there but it is full in her year and she is on the waiting list. We have tried other private schools in the area; one we received an offer from, but she hated it, and the other turned us down as they didn't feel they could cope with her needs. My husband is unsupportive and won't engage. He has a competitive relationship with his older brother whose daughter is popular and academically very successful, so he makes unfavourable comparisons and is always angry at me and DD after we have seen them as he thinks I am enabling failure and she is just choosing not to go to school as she can't be bothered. I know there is a lot going on here, and I have included some information for context, but please does anyone have any suggestions as to what practical steps I can take to help my DD? One of the doctors we spoke to mentioned, hospital school but that her current school would be reluctant as it costs them money and that she would have to "never "be going to school. How can I know that she will "never" be going to school? Currently we are taking each day as it comes so it's hard to know that she may not go in for one or two days at some point. I have also contacted an organisation called Dare2Dream but they said that a referral needs to come from the school. I already know the school has said it is doing everything it can and can't offer anymore, so where do I go from here? I feel like I am going around in circles.

I’m sorry you are having such ch a difficult time.
You are doing the right thing by applying for an EHCNA yourself.

With regards to finding a small school, if you think it’s right for your DD then pursue it. My DS really struggled at mainstream, he started a tiny independent school in year 9 and is thriving. Mainstream was breaking him but homeschool wouldn’t have suited him either as it would have been too isolating and he also needs a distinction between home and school.
If your DD has reached the point that she can’t attend then go down the hospital school route. Keep your DD registered at her school so they will have to continue to support, even if she isn’t attending don’t offer to homeschool unless you really want to. You have evidence from professionals that mainstream is damaging your DD, use this to support your case.

Get medical reports from your professionals saying she needs a non school based education/ an education based at home that allows her to prioritise her mental health, Apply for an ehcp (you will get it), apply for eotas (education other than at school), look into an online based schooling like interhigh, if you can afford it self fund in the meantime and get solicitor support(you may be entitled to legal aid)

I know a couple of school avoiders that are doing very well now having done this, one is at a top five UK uni.

Also get advice from IPSEA or SOS!SEN. What schools and LAs tell you often isn’t the whole truth!

Oh yes adding to @Dizzydahlias In you DD is certified too ill for school the LEA have responsibility to still provide an education.

Our local to ill for school provision offers online small in person and home tutor support depending on need. It by no means is a full time education,mire a tide you over until your back in school/a long time solution is possible

LA need to send tutors in if she's too sick to attend school. Don't off roll her, get your EHCNA yourself, ignore school.

Agree with others. Don’t EHE. But, that doesn’t mean DD has to attend when she can’t. If DD can’t attend school it is ultimately the LA who is responsible for ensuring education is provided and hospital school or other arrangements can be funded that way.

An EHCP can provide more than DD is already receiving, so do apply for an EHCNA. If the LA refuse to assess or issue you should appeal, the vast majority of appeals are upheld.

Could an ehcp nominate the Montessori school
you have chosen and then the LEA will have to pay the fees and could also bump her up the waiting list.

I believe it’s called a medical needs form which needs completing by the school and a medical professional- this is the gateway to getting different form of education in the meantime whilst you sort out a longer term plan- staying on roll but school organising tutors/ finding online learning such as Tute.

The LA can’t refuse to provide medical needs tuition just because a school hasn’t referred a pupil.

Given that you have considered private schools without funding in place from the LA, I am guessing private school is something you could afford? If so, you might consider spending that money in another way, by outsourcing the job of facilitating home education for your daughter. That could give many of the benefits of home education while sparing you the extra work of doing it yourself.

I am envisioning a childminder or nanny type of person (perhaps a home educating parent with a child of their own, or an older person who used to home educate) who could look after your daughter on a day-to-day basis, take her out to social meets or tutor groups, chat with her, and just generally be a warm reassuring presence and keep her company.

For this you wouldn't need a qualified tutor, so it wouldn't be super expensive. Ideally you'd find someone with experience of the local home ed community, who had previously home educated. I think there are people who would find such a role appealing. For example, I know single parents who are home educating a teen who are desperate to find a way to make money while being on hand for their child. I also know a few empty nesters who loved home educating their kids and now don't know what to do with themselves. Your daughter's particular needs may echo their own children's needs - those are very common reasons why people home educate - so they may have some insight into how to help her thrive.

If you are continuing to fight for support from the LA, you wouldn't necessarily deregister your daughter and formally accept responsibility for her education. You could still put an arrangement like the above in place while trying to force the LA to stump up the money.

I dont know where you are based, but Portland Place in London has an excellent Hybrid School option where you can be in 1 or 2 days a week (or, indeed go fully remote if that works best and would mean it would not matter where you are). We have been really impressed with what we have seen so far, and are looking to start that with our Year 8 son in the next few weeks. If you were potentially financially able to do private, this is a much cheaper option than full day school too.

Fundamentally mental health is the most important thing - being in school is pointless if you are too stressed/anxious to learn anyway. If you get the environment right, then she will feel safe enough to grow.

Yes an ehcp can nominate an independent placement, but it must be evidence based so you need cast iron medical/mental health/physiotherapy occupational therapy reports that rule out any kind of lea maintained school.

It's important to remember the LAE doesn't that to provide a great or even good education, just an education that is "adequate" to need.

In practice it's be can easier to get a home based education (by ruling out any kind of school setting). Ruling some in person settings but not others can be really hard.

Whilst there’s no duty to provide the best education, case law demonstrates the LA should provide what is reasonably required and appropriate, not just what is adequate.

Kinda the flipside of my point...

But in the context of what I was saying it is not reasonable to expect the LEA to pay for a private education if a local maintained school can be considered appropriate.

The LEA doesn't have a responsibility to fund just because a parent considers it the best option.

No they don’t, but they do have a duty to fund more than “just an education that is "adequate" to need.”

As others have said, apply asap for an EHCP and go through the process for that. The wait can be quite long, but you will get there. Depending on what the reports from that say (Ed Psyc, maybe OT, some kind of SALT/social, communication and interaction assessment), it may be that no school can meet need and your child needs EOTAS. But it might be that there is a specialised setting that would be ideal. If you can link up to other send parents in your area (Facebook groups, look out for local support groups), you will find out about different settings and where might fit your daughters needs.
alternative provision can be put in place, once your child has missed 15 days of education due to medical issues/illness, so school should be sorting that out for you (the days don’t have to be consecutive). Our LA send a tutor, but I know other areas offer more therapeutic options such as forest school, farm placements etc.

We have an excellent small independent school that offers flexi schooling to children who have struggled with mainstream. In fact, I can think of two within 20 miles of me. Where about are you OP?

Hello
i have a school refuser. Autistic and burnt out. Please do think about joining some support forums. Definitely apply for an EHCP, your school are trying to avoid something that ties them in to spending more (in my opinion). Seek out advice re Home and hospital school, we had two years of excellent support from ours, never got the kid in the door but it brought benefits. Look at your local council SEN website and see what Alternative Provision there is. If you have an EHCP it opens doors you may not be aware of. Lastly, is your husband really the person you want to take this journey with? Meant more gently than it sounds, sorry. But he sounds unkind to your daughter. Sending lots of love, I hear where you are at x

@TheMousePipes Flexi schooling would be a brilliant solution, but we are in West Oxfordshire....Is that anywhere near?

@Menopausalandtetchy Thank you....yes, there is a lot going on and this is part of the problem. I need to address it all, but am overwhelmed by everything right now. I'm trying to think one thing at a time and will get there eventually!

@usernamebore Thanks! I would be really interested to hear your experiences with Portland Place when your son goes.

Oh @IrisEmily you must be so stressed! Very much agree with @Menopausalandtetchy said especially , is your husband really the person you want to take this journey with? Meant more gently than it sounds, sorry. But he sounds unkind to your daughter.
Does he expect sympathy and support for his MH and physical difficulties? Does he work/get involved re school issues? Negatively I'm wondering if he's jealous she's taking your attention from him?

I really feel for your and your daughter. I would agree with pp that her mental health has to take priority.

Given your circumstances, I would apply for the ECHP and continue to pursue private options - great that is an option for you.

I can see you are supporting your daughter and you know that trying for force her into school would be detrimental to her MH.

Our daughter has similar issues and we opted to EHE - she is thriving and so much happier. We are very engaged in the home Ed community and when she is ready (she couldn't read when she left school at nearly 10) she will complete some core subjects via online school. However, we could get the right support from the LEA despite a huge battle and couldn't afford private. We are also fortunate that I work FT and my partner is a SAHP and was up for the challenge. It is a huge commitment and one you understandably are not able to take on. You are doing your very best for your daughter.

Finally, if she doesn't complete her education now, it's not the end of the world - education is lifelong. I couldn't complete mine due to my MH ( now on ND pathway following both my children's diagnoses) and achieved education in my late 20s and now in a professional career. So take it a day at a time and don't panic!

You are doing amazingly.

Woukd she do work in the SEN room? And maybe identify some lessons she would feel able to access?

I doubt they will get an EHCP.

My Dd has ASD, selective mutism, anxiety and is an EBSA. She self harmed because of school. Lea refused to even assess. Now at tribunal.