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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Finding in hard.

21 replies

Crazycrazylady · 04/09/2023 19:46

Ds1 has recently started secondary school near us. He is a quiet sporty boy and while not the most popular in the school boy was happy in primary school and had a small group of close friends
He has gone to a very large secondary school and has been separated from most of his friends. They are some in his base class but sitting apart. He finds the school bag huge ( it is 15kg) and lockers won't be assigned till next week. He misses the sport at lunch time ( now kids just 'hang out' In general finds it all a bit overwhelming for him.

The school merged with another one over the summer and they're have definitely been teething problems whixh haven't helped

Can I ask how long it took your ds to settle at school or not and when should I consider it not working out

OP posts:

Testina · 04/09/2023 20:37

I went on holiday for 2 weeks and my wheelie case was 18kg and that had all my daughter’s make up bottles.
What the hell are they making him carry?!!

In my experience of my children, their cousins and friends, every body was “over” teething problems by half term. The only ones (and this is a very small sample) who weren’t, had long term problems.

But that’s to be settling in… for immediate worries (will I make it to class on time, will the work be too hard, will I get shoved about by older kids) - that was all gone in 2 weeks.

MarchingFrogs · 04/09/2023 21:41

When DS1 started secondary sxhool, one of the things I had a call about from the 'pastoral lady' was that they were doing their best to get him not to take in every single text book and exercise book every day, whatever his timetable was. (I suspect that it hadn't helped that they were told to bring in all of their PE and games kit on the first day, but not whether or what variety of physical exercise they might be due to have, but at leastbthat could be left in his locker).

His backpack didn't weigh anything like 15Kg, though. Come to think of ot, DD's main backpack for three weeks away on World Challenge wasn't as heavy as that...

Original poster

Crazycrazylady · 04/09/2023 21:46

Thanks ladies. The bag is definitely a big part of the issue . Hoping they sort out his locker asap

OP posts:

Testina · 04/09/2023 21:48

What is he carrying though? Even if he’s got a textbook for every subject, he’s only going to have 6 max per day and probably less.

Hazey19 · 04/09/2023 21:51

my son was the same when he started and it did take him a couple of terms to settle in but when he settled in he was absolutely fine. He’s very sporty too and that really helped him find new friends.

Original poster

Crazycrazylady · 04/09/2023 21:57

We got a text to say they didn't need to bring every book for every subject until lockers were assigned ( Cleary loads of parents saying wtf) but they didn't specify what ones and teachers have been giving kids a hard time for having the 'wrong' ones.
He's a real people pleaser so struggles with this.we had half considered private school but he wanted to go with friends but now I'm considering my choices !! One week in and I know I am being totally unreasonable but I can't say it in real life as people won't say I'm nuts .. l

OP posts:

Chaotica · 04/09/2023 21:59

A couple of terms here too. And he still largely loathes it years later. He was fine in primary.

Original poster

Crazycrazylady · 04/09/2023 22:00

He loved primary too. Think that's what's making me a bit sad for him

OP posts:

Testina · 04/09/2023 22:01

But he must have been given a timetable?
I know I’m focusing on the bag weight here, but you have said it’s a big part of the issue.
15kg is insane - it sounds like you can fix this until lockers are ready just by going through his timetable with him the night before. Even if he ends up with 2 books for maths when only 1 is needed that day, at least he’s not going to be carrying around history on a geography day.

Rainsdropskeepfalling · 04/09/2023 22:02

I'm surprised you have text books? DS's school has lockers only for the kids who live in the next village over (2-3km) who have to cycle in. Noone else gets a lockers and with three lessons a day it's just three exercise books to carry, except when it's PE of course.

gabster33 · 04/09/2023 22:03

Give it time - he will settle. But best try and sit down with him and his timetable and work out what books he needs each day. He can't leave them all at school in the locker as he will need them for homework. Help him work out where he can meet up with old friends at break times and lunch time if it will make him feel more settled - plus look to friends to see how they are finding it so he knows he's not alone.

But even if in Scotland - two weeks in and the transition of the schools merging won't help. It will take time.

Hellocatshome · 04/09/2023 22:04

I didnt know schools still use text books. My 16 year old has just left and didn't have a text book the whole time. My 13 year old different school has also never had a text book. They dont even really seem to bring home exercise books they stay at school. 15kg is crazy to be carrying all round school everyday.

As for the settling in thing its very early days. Give it to at least half term and in the majority of cases he will have found his people and got into the swing of it.

DiscoBeat · 04/09/2023 22:06

Does the school use any sort of timetable app like Satchel One, so he can see what books he needs? (I still help the youngest with this in Y9 as we strongly suspect he has Inattentive ADHD and it helps him concentrate on the work) Or even a printed one, so that he literally has only the books and kit he needs for the day. It's such a huge change. Hopefully soon there will be a list of school sports clubs so he can get involved and make some new friends. It's a tough time! Hope things improve really soon.

sillyuniforms · 04/09/2023 23:37

15kg is nuts. Our high has no text books. Lockers are for spare PE kits and bits. Timetables are on the ap.
we have two teachers for a few subjects and which teacher is on time table & the exercise books

lanthanum · 04/09/2023 23:50

For DoE expeditions, kids are not allowed to carry more than a quarter of their own weight. The same really ought to apply to school bags.

sillyuniforms · 05/09/2023 00:09

My DC prob carry 4-5 exercise books a day

Chaotica · 05/09/2023 12:56

My DCs' bags have regularly been 15kg+, especially in the later years. The school doesn't have lockers. It's really unfair on the little ones (and means I end up giving them lifts to school and collecting them because they have so much to carry).

Chaotica · 05/09/2023 13:02

Crazycrazylady · 04/09/2023 22:00

He loved primary too. Think that's what's making me a bit sad for him

Chances are, he'll be fine soon. I hope he settles in.

My older DD who has ASD had been fine at the same school, but we realised that she had had a load of extra transition time compared to DS. DS was the one who found it hard. The popular, sociable, stable kids are just supposed to get on with it and make new friends and it all just stressed him out.

SpiralOfAllThings · 05/09/2023 13:32

Moving up to secondary is a huge deal. They go from being the tallest to usually being the shortest and are surrounded by men sized year 10s and 11s. They go from having one teacher or two at most to having loads with different teaching styles and personalities, they move round the school instead of remaining in one classroom. The school itself is bigger and they have to navigate to new classrooms sometimes negotiating one way systems. More books, different coloured for different subjects, it is a lot for them to deal with.

He is one week in. He needs time, confirm his feelings, tell him you too remember feeling a bit overwhelmed when you started secondary even if you didn't. Both my children attended a school none of their friends went to. I would say 2-3 weeks in they had found an initial tribe of friends. Ds2 joined a group of kids who walked around the playground, who didn't like remaining still. Just a casual stroll as he missed the physical stuff he had done in primary.

The locker thing will help. You can help him work out what books he can leave in school, what books he needs to take home. Most have absolutely settled by half term. We had a in person meeting (pre-covid) just before October half term with their form teacher who is there to tell you whether they are organised, doing homework, settled etc. Also what clubs are there? Any lunch time ones? Anything he fancies joining that will help him with friendships?

Original poster

Crazycrazylady · 05/09/2023 15:56

Thanks everyone. We're in ireland so unfortunately still text books here. He used a pals locker today which has made a big difference. ( they're getting them in trenches cause now it's just such a massive school)
I know ( hope) he will settle in in a couple of weeks. I remember telling him before he stated it would be Halloween at least before he found his feet .
Hopefully when the sport starts up. He'll settle jn

Really appreciate the advise. I have a knot for him while pretending to be all breezy about it all.

OP posts:

nonheme · 06/09/2023 15:41

Crazycrazylady · 04/09/2023 21:57

Even private can be tough. You wouldn't be moving him to a private school because of the bag alone I hope?
I have known of children who take an entire school term to settle into school life. Others don't and leave for another school - this is private. So I assume it's the same everywhere.

My DC just started and she is OK. She doesn't bring many books home and bags stay in lockers. She at an independent school however I assume if they had a locker issue she may have to carry her bag and books like your son.

Just keep encouraging him as you are doing. He will be ok once he finds his people and gets used to the routine.

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