DD Y7 hating secondary - stick or twist?

[ElfinsMum]

We are in Aus so DD started at high school in Feb 2023. It's a medium sized private girls school. She came from a small to medium state primary, which she loved. She even won a prize at the end for overall commitment and achievement.

We are half way through Y7 and she has consistently hated her new school from the start. We have mostly bad days with a few good days. Bad days are really bad - hiding under the duvet, tears, begging us not to send her back. Sunday afternoons are usually the same. So far we have held a firm line and made her go but it is damaging family relationships all round.

She just says over and over that she hates everything about the school but from what we can see, the biggest problems are:

• The change itself, the first couple of weeks she seemed almost traumatized by the crowds, the place... just all of it. That shock has warn off over time obviously.
• The teachers and the different relationship you have with secondary teachers compared to primary, more transactional and less paternalistic
• Feeling like no one knows her and she is invisible
• Not having her best friend from PS with her and not making any new best friend. Instead, she has friends for now, who are ok to hang out with and she has fun with but she isn't totally sure she likes at a deeper level

We are at a point where we would need to choose a new school and give notice if we are going to make a change. She says she hates this school but fears changing schools so much she can't face even looking at others.

WWYD?

Oh bless her . That sounds really hard for you all. I would go and look at other schools, this will give you more of an idea. I would also talk to pastoral support staff in current school .. maybe they can put something in place to support your DD. I moved my DS when unhappy and it was a great decision for us.
Meanwhile I would do some anxiety based stuff with her, mindfulness, breathing exercises and keep talking

The anxiety she’s experiencing about it sounds pretty bad here OP. So sorry she’s going through this.

My younger sister was at a girls grammar school and never really enjoyed it. She swapped this year for sixth form to a local comprehensive and has been so happy. Lots of friends, much better vibes etc.

Could you try posting on a local group/asking around to get a feel over what the other schools are like? Maybe you could persuade her to look round the school her primary best friend now goes to etc.

I think in time it might get better but it just sounds like she’s struggling so much that maybe it’s good to explore the options. I would definitely suggest speaking to the school as well though as maybe there’s a bit more they can do.

I'd say move her but none of what you mention sounds school specific. Then again she's not coping where she is.

I think I would try very hard (to the point of telling her) to get her to come and look at other at other schools with you. Maybe look at some smaller, more nurturing schools?

This situation was almost identical to my DS in year 7 (only he hid under the bed instead of the duvet). It was a dreadful year for us all , but the school were very supportive - in fact, after the first session he had with the school support team they contacted us to ask why we hadn't had him diagnosed for autism...which astounded us because he did so well in primary school!

Obviously your DD may not have autism (although it does sound like she's completely overwhelmed with the massive change this year) but make sure the school are fully involved and are helping her.

The good news is that my son stayed in the same school and after the first year things got easier, he found new friends (similar to him) who are absolutely lovely and he's doing very well in 6th form now.

What does she want to do? She knows she has to go to school somewhere.

None of the things you mention are specifically about that school. Senior schools are generally larger than primaries and the teacher-pupil relationship is different.

Having said that, my ds went to a tiny primary, only 17 children in a year, and our local council wanted to move him to a school where there were 300 pupils in a year. I felt that was too big a jump for ds who was never the most confident so I fought to get him into a senior school of only 60 children in a year. He's happy there and doing well.

Can you arrange taster days at alternative schools?

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your advice as we are feeling pretty stuck at the moment.

I have spoken to the school way back in term 1 to request more support but I guess the model must be different here as the head of year just suggested DD talk to the school psych straight off the bat. I felt like that would stress her out even more tbh and that she wouldn't trust someone she knows perfectly well works for the school. We got her some private support instead.

I'm a bit pissed about it because they make a big deal out of pastoral care in their marketing but when I looked at it again I realised they are just basically saying they have good pastoral care because they are a religious school. There's no real info about what they actually do to support kids who need it.

What kind of additional support with settling in did your kids get from support services? And if you moved your kid, how long did it take for things to come right or was there another long adjustment period?

Looking at the list a lot of those sound like issues with size and scale of secondary schools generally and the switch from primary. So unless there are smaller, more nurturing schools available I don’t know if a switch would help. Can she articulate for you what better would look like?

I think fair enough to be disappointed with lack of support - I would have thought the form tutor should be providing some support here and certainly she shouldn’t be invisible to them. It can hardly be the first time a child has found the switch to secondary a shock.

Have you also considered the possibility she might be neurodiverse? Often presents differently in girls to boys.

When we moved my DS he was immediately happier , I think you should explore options of other schools.. get her to go along and see what things feel like.. something smaller might be better suited by the sounds of it. Really hope things improve soon

Hello, just wondering what you ultimately decided to do Elfinsmum, as we're going through the same with our DD who started year 7 in September, and her issues sound very similar to those of your DD. I'd be so grateful for any update.