not sure how to help my daughter

[findinghappiness77]

DD started year 7 at a local girls high school in september. she had been looking for to it for a long time. but now she questions her decision in choosing the school.

at transition she said she had made friends with someone in her class, seeing as nobody else from her primary was in the same class as her. however, on the first day, said friend from transition abandons her for a different group. DD doesn't do well in social situations and struggles to make friends, so she didn't manage to connect with other classmates.

fast forward to the end of that first week, DD's best friend from primary school ditches her for her new classmates. DD was obviously very upset, but didn't talk much to me about it after.

two weeks later, school call to tell us that DD was feeling su!c!dal because she didn't have any friends, and that me and DH were 'putting her under pressure to make friends'. spoke to her the same day and she cries for a long time, but only tells us her loneliness made her want to die. she has a small number of friends but they are in different classes/year groups so most breaktimes she doesn't even see them.

after this, we try to make more time for family time, along with her younger brother, and talk about confidence and the like, or ask about what's going on at school, and that the two of them should open up to us if they have to, we are here to help. however, when we do things like this, she doesn't seem to show much interest and continues to spend time alone in her room, reading, doing homework or working on crochet projects. me and her father don't exactly have an issue with this, but we're just worried whether it is affecting her. when we suggest she joins us in the living room, she always tries to find one excuse or another to stay in her bedroom.

every day, she just tells me school is fine, she sees her friends every now and then and they do the same boring lessons all the time. i don't force her to tell me anything, but i do remind her she can tell me whatever she needs to. i thought that things were going well, that is until the end of june.

i was reading messages on her whatsapp and i come across the groupchat for her DT class (they are a mixed group with another class) and discover some rather concerning messages. a classmate tells her she is not important and another expresses her deep hatred for her. classmates are accusing her of 'snitching' on another classmate for cheating in a test and for 'exposing' another girl (from the class they mix with for DT) for sharing across the year group a sticker of a teacher. DD tries to dismiss the accusations, saying she didn't even know about these incidents but classmates respond with laughing emojis. chat continues and DD is correcting peopls spelling mistakes (as a joke) and because of this another classmate decides to repeatedly tell her 'go die fat piggy b*h'.

i bring this up with DD and at first she gets angry and upset that i was reading her messages, but then tells me everything that had been going on since the start of the year.

the girls in her class exclude her from activities, ignore her when tries to speak to them, laugh at her, give her looks and talk about her behind her back. she also tells me how some try to control and manipulate her and a particular girl constantly picks on her during group work. two classmates follow her around, asking her personal questions, another takes her things without asking (including food) and another was trying to break into her locker.

DD says that she wasn't sure if it was bullying at first but since it was only her out of other classmates and it was constant, she thought that maybe it was. i suggested we bring it up with school but DD tells me that we shouldn't, as the majority of the class versus her would never be a winning case, she doesn't exactly have evidence (i later noticed she cleared the DT class groupchat) and although school claim they don't condone bullying, friends and friends of friends have never had their cases dealt with properly, bullying or not bullying.

DD also admits that she's cried herself to sleep or hidden in toilets at school to avoid her classmates. she said that she thinks the best thing for her is to change schools with no word to anyone at school, and start afresh, but i am not sure about this or whether or not it is actually a good idea. she tried really hard for her 11plus, passing with a high result she was very happy about, so i wouldn't want her to waste her grammar school opportunity - is it possible to transfer between grammar schools? im also not sure how easy it is to get into a school after year7.

at this point, DH and i are not sure how we can help DD. thoughts?

Screen shot the WhatsApp and send that to the safeguarding lead, asking what they are doing about the bullying.

If she is that unhappy then look at moving schools.
But maybe she also needs to be supported in making friends?

Does she have any friends at all? Would moving tutor groups help?

Correcting spelling on WhatsApp sounds like the kind of thing my DD1 would have done. My DD1 does not pick up on social cues/norms.

Could she move to a different form?

This age is horrendous. I have a dd s out to start y7 and y9. Even their "friends" make them feel shit. Maybe they are jealous, are taking their anger out on others, hormonal, or just don't like her.

It's a difficult one with social media as she wants to be included, updated. I think school will just advise her to come off the group. Even thought it was a joke her correcting their spellings would just give them more ammunition.

Did your dd "snitch" do you think she has "fuelled the fire" or are they genuinely horrid for no reason?

I know people always assume this but could she be autistic? Yes people can be just bitchy / awkward I know.

I'm autistic and never "followed" people at break. Most would chat and integrate. I sat in the toilets alone.

I think there is a lot to be said for a fresh start. If she's bright - and obviously she is to have got into a grammar school - then she will do well anywhere. And probably better at a school with kinder classmates, grammar or not.

The damage to someone's self-esteem from this kind of prolonged nastiness cannot be underestimated.

The OP says that her DD has cleared the group chat, so no good unless she took a screenshot when she first saw it.

However, the OP did see it and on this basis, I would raise the issue with the school. They have already noticed that something isn't right (did DD tell the school that the issue was mum and dad putting pressure on her to make friends to avoid the the problems associated with being seen to tell tales?).

Transferring to another school would have to be via the normal mid-year application process, which for a grammar school, and by this time in the school year, would involve both a place being available and a new assessment of ability (unless, by some miracle, there was actually a place available if the OP enquired tomorrow and it was at a school for which the DD already had a pass score on the original exam for that school and she was the only applicant and the school was one where post-offer day admissions are made from the waiting list right up until the end of the academic year, rather than just up until the statutory minimum requirement of December 31st). No harm in asking / starting the process rolling, though.

Of course @MarchingFrogs so she did. Excellent advice from you.

I would absolutely move her, what's the point of being in a grammar if she's so miserable she feels suicidal?? Grammars don't exist in the county I live in so the whole thing is alien to me anyway.

Does she have any friends outside of school? Does she do any clubs? Swimming, dance, guides etc? Start looking at schools she could go to, does she already have friends in other schools near by she could transfer to? Find a school with good pastoral care, let her visit this week and move her to start in September. I wouldn't let her current school know until everything was in place and she is starting new school. Then say she is leaving for a different school but don't give reasons why - it could get back to the girls in her year who could still bully her via social media.

Good luck

Get applications in for other schools now - good chance if getting a place elsewhere at the start of September as other children tend to move house etc over the summer holidays. I work in a hool admissions and for example, I know that in our current Year 8, 6 students are leaving, but we can't offer out the places until the start of September when those students actually start at their new schools.

@Lorrries @TeenDivided i spoke to DD about the possibility of moving her form group, but she says that the rumour about her snitching on classmates has been spread to two other classes, so some students already dislike her without knowing her.

This. Her current school life sounds awful.

i've told DD to leave the group - after all, it's the final week. since DD isn't really involved with her classmates, she doesn't know much about the matters which people claim she snitched for, so they could just be being mean for no actual reason.

we went to the open evening at the co-ed grammar in our town with her younger brother (taking the 11plus in september), and DD says she quite likes it. she also says she knows two children from her class in primary that attend there, but they don't talk anymore so she isn't sure if they'll remember her.

This.
The DSL needs to be informed and you need to have a meeting with them and the appropriate pastoral lead.

Try to move schools. But also this is quite serious bullying and the school needs to know everything and act upon it.

Immediate transfer. And don't look behind for a moment.

If she had a positive feeling about the school you looked at for her sibling, I would def apply to go there asap. The situation at the current school sounds horrendous and def needs to be fixed raised with school, but it sounds like a new start somewhere else is the best option.

the 11plus test DD did in 2021 is for any grammar school in the entire county - can her score from then still count now?

It would depend on the individual school's (the one you wamted to move to) policy. Some grammar schools - like any school - admit from the waiting list only for the statutory minimum period (up to the end of December in the year of entry), and have a different process for filling places from then on; others maintain their waiting list until the end of the academic year. In theory, if the school is in the latter 'camp' but had no one on its waiting list and there was a place available and you applied now, with a pass score, the place should be given.

Realistically, though, we are so close to the end of term at this stage, you are probably looking at whatever the procedure is for mid-year applications to year 8 in September (which will almostvcetainly involve a new test) . You need to check with the school.

Are there no clubs she might meet similar kids?

Probably best to stsy away from large group whatsapps or say very little. People can be similar on parents ones

Get out. Her mental health needs protecting.
Any talk of suicide at that age is horrific. And a real risk.
Report a years worth of bullying to the DSL
School should have picked up how unhappy she was.

OP, every single incident you describe (correcting spelling, snitching, lack of friends, solo pursuits) suggests to me that your DD has the classic female presentation of autism (I’m a teacher and have research female autism for my MSc).

Even if you move her, school and friendships will be tricky. I strongly suggest that, whatever your decision, you talk to school about putting some social support in place for her. Autistic girls are at high risk of school refusal and poor outcomes.