Child still not feeling great about SS place

[Claxonia]

We accepted a place for our 11 year old at a SS that is highly rated, very academic and my husband and I are happy with. Unfortunately our child has never had a good feeling about the school from the first visit a year ago. We were hoping this would turn around after the open day last week but they are still saying they don’t feel good about it.

There are not many good options where we live so we felt lucky to have this place (the school is very oversubscribed) and were hoping that things would improve but this doesn’t seem to be happening.

Has anyone else experienced this and how worried should we be? Should we trust that the school will be able to turn the negativity around in September? Or should we be frantically ringing round waiting lists?

Did they give a reason? Do they prefer another school? Is it because a friend or friends are going to another school?

I guess it depends on what 'not good feeling' means.

A bit nervous, will they keep up etc?

Or they don't like the ethos of the school, how strict it is, the travel distance, the level of homework expected etc

How old is child

What do you mean by SS? Super selective? Special school?

Why does your child not have a good feeling about the school? You mention that it is very Academic? Is your child very Academic or are they worried that they will struggle to keep up.

What is the main reason your DC did not have a good feeling?

Our child is very academic so I don’t think that is the issue and number of other children/friends are going from the current school. They feel it is going to be very strict and the premises are old and cramped. It is also a faith school and they are not keen on religion (although current school is cramped and religious and they love it).

When asked to elaborate it seems to be a gut feeling that the school isn’t right for them.

SS = Secondary School! Trying to be efficient!

Obviously 11

I had this as a child - I still can’t articulate why it didn’t feel right and it was two miserable years before I moved school. Sometimes places just don’t have the right chemistry!

Have they had a transition day yet? That may help to picture what it will be like when they're there. It's a big jump if you've been at the same primary for 7 years, basically everything you can remember, to go somewhere new so it's not surprising they're a bit apprehensive.

Had the transition day last week and we were hoping that would turn things around but unfortunately it hasn’t.

Is it known to be strict? Are they a “no talking in corridors” etc type school? Will your child feel their personality is suppressed? Do you honestly believe they will thrive in a strict school? Or is it just a perception of being strict - ie not like friendly primary. What does the religion look like? How does it come into school life? Is Dc now querying this? Plenty do.

I think I might drill down into school rules. What is it that looks strict? I would say he must try the school but have an exit strategy.

Cramped? Many schools are. Just unfortunate.

We don’t think the school is excessively strict, but our child tends to be quite self motivation so I think they perceive the rules as being a bit unnecessary as they would get on and do the work anyway.

Tizerorfizz - really good point about encouraging them to give it a try but having another option if the feeling of apprehension are validated in September.

We are worried about the school our child is going to in sept - just a feeling. She is apprehensive too. We have said (and to her) let’s give it a term and then assess. I really don’t think you can do anything but that.

I think she needs to give it a good go until Xmas, and see how she feels then.

I think it's OK to be a bit worried about moving on. It's a normal emotion.

I have year two class in and infant school so they are moving up soon and despite being very ready and mostly excited the reality is kicking in now and some are starting to feel worried about it. The transition days have stirred up some serious emotions and the day after transition was a difficult one.

Remind him about the things that will be the same for him and talk about the people that are still going to be in his life. You will still be going swimming in Thursdays. We will still be going to Bob's on Saturdays for lunch.

And once term ends try to keep off the subject of secondary school for a couple of weeks. Don't go straight from celebration assembly one day to calculator shopping the next day.

Does the child get a choice? If not it's just a usual comfort the child as they go through a difficult emotion situation isn't it?

When I was going to secondary, my parents let me choose which school I wanted to apply for, does this not happen now? Genuinely curious.

Many children are not mature enough at 10 to weigh up pros and cons well, and may often choose on something superficial.

In this case however, if there are suitable alternatives I would get the pupil on waiting lists for those alternatives.

If they really don't want a particular school then they should be listened to.

There isn't much choice now, especially in some areas. But no, I wouldn't say it's unusual at all.

I think they quite often children say why they don’t like the idea of something but haven’t actually tried it. Most us usually encourage a child to try something new and then review if it doesn’t work out. Many times it does.

My DDs did have choice of schools but we went independent. Many people do not get much choice in reality. They would not have got a space in the local state schools after we gave up the places to go private.

I think it’s best to plan for an alternative as discussed but be positive and supportive for at least a term if you really don’t like the alternatives. If is probably nerves.

I also guessed you meant special school first off, and then super selective after your second post.

It's a real dilemma, but your child has only just dipped their toe in the water. They have been told about the negative stuff like the detention system etc but perhaps the positive bits about school - seeing friends, chats with teachers - haven't yet developed. They just take more time to establish. I think I'd talk that through with them, be positive about how they might experience school once they have made friends, and encourage them to give it at least six months. More, if there really aren't any other feasible better options.

If private school might be an option for you then maybe get on the phone and start looking for some. But otherwise trust yourself that you have made the best decision you can in the circumstances and encourage them to try. Secondary is daunting, it's ok to have to screw up your courage for it.

It’s really sad if schools focus on negative things like behaviour and punishment on a familiarization day! I despair. It should be about where to go, what to do, opportunities, how to raise something with your teachers, and generally how delighted the school is to have you! It should all be positive and friendly. No SLT should be giving out negative info to DC on a first visit. What is wrong with people?!

Thanks all for really insightful comments.

We don’t have another option at the moment but are on some waiting lists. We did discuss applying for private schools but decided as a family (with kid’s input) that it wasn’t the right choice at this stage.

The other kids came out of the induction morning very cheery and positive so I don’t think the school is to blame!

I'm a secondary teacher, and at this stage, I wouldn't really be worried. I think it's normal for students to have some anxiety about moving to Secondary School for all sorts of reasons, and at 11, they may not be emotionally mature enough (not intended as a criticism!) to articulate why. It's a big life change, and I'd say nerves are a normal emotion to feel about this!

Also, sometimes Y6s hear rumours about secondary school that make them feel worried, but they aren't always open about this with their parents. Things like "everyone gets bullied" or "the older kids beat you up" or "you get detention for being five minutes late to lesson on your first day because you got lost".

I would ask them again if there's any particular worries they have, maybe with some prompts e.g. is there a teacher they feel they don't like? Are they worried about getting lost? Do the older students seem very big and scary? Are they worried about friendships?

I'd also reassure it's normal to feel a bit strange about a big change, and likely it will pass when they get used to the school.

If possible, I'd try to contact e.g. the HoY7 at the new school and let them know how your child is feeling about everything. They can pass this on to the new form tutor and hopefully offer a bit more support.

I probably wouldn't worry about this unless nothing at all had changed by the first half term?

Have they mentioned any other schools they do have a good feeling about, and can they explain why?