transferring schools due to mental health concerns

[0vertherainbow]

Would you move your daughter (Y8) out of a school environment that undermines her mental health (anxiety, stress, possible OCD -family history) even if the school is well regarded? School is a 45min underground commute away (London)

My sense of the mental health support / pastoral care structures at the school are that they are there for the sake of appearance only. I know that sounds terribly negative but I've had numerous occasions to interact with that side of school ( another daughter there too- older), and the nature of support depends very much on the individual teacher's capacity, with little else beyond.

She'd move to a local school where from previous experience we know better provision is in place for children with mental health difficulties.
She does not want to move, despite recognising that she finds school very tiring and stressful.

What is she finding stressful? What mental health support are you expecting from other schools? Have you had any meetings with current school or raised concerns?

Best thing we ever did. However, our child was not coping and was desperate enough to give it a go. It is a tough age to move them against their will.

One bonus for us is the new, "less academic" school is far better at teaching study skills. Therefore I feel my child is being set up to succeed, not only at GCSE but beyond, and much less stressed. They still seem very ambitious for top set, but there's less homework. My child might have been predicted more 8/9s at the old school, but more likely they would have ended up out of school entirely.

Yes, I'd move her but be sure to keep communication open. If she is being bullied she may be scared of looking silly or weak for leaving and going somewhere else. She's young enough to have a fresh start.

What drives the stressful and anxiety?

If it affects her attendance and performance then do so. Not every child can do their best in such a competitive environment.

thanks very much for replies - day ran away with me.

The school has a very 'aspirational' approach to everything... what it means though is that every event, opportunity to lead or participate becomes some kind of measure of achievement to the students.
I think being aspirational is great but at this school it spills over into a kind of overheated competitiveness amongst those kids who are driven already.
With the family's mental health history I don't think the schoo environment has caused the underlying propensity to a possible anxiety disorder, but I think it does mean that a child with sucha weakness is made more vulnerable

No bullying- she would say. There are kids that annoy her but it's just normal school stuff.

I have met with the Head of year and also the spoken to the school's SENCO.

You can of course move your child to a different school if they have space and you think it will be better for her.

I would possibly say two things:

1. If she doesn't want to move and doesn't settle, what will you do? You may not be able to move back especially if places are sought after.
2. Many schools will say they have pastoral support. They do have it. This really does not mean mental health support in the way most parents would like it to be. In most state schools, even those with counsellor support or larger pastoral teams, they are vastly over run with kids and many have to prioritise the kids who are a safeguarding risk. This means that they won't take on a 1.1 support role with a child who says they are feeling anxious. They might suggest they chat with their form teacher or hang out in the library but it is unlikely they can offer what you think they should.

I'm not sure your child would be any happier in a less strict school in all honesty. They tend to have much worse behaviour. You're not going to have the mental health support you're looking for in any school. School is not CAMHS.
In my opinion kids who move for this reason, and it doesn't work out, get even worse as they blame themselves. At least in the meantime they can sort of blame the school.

Thanks cansu and fox...

To cansu's second point: unfortunately I know that even high risk children ( = self harm, suicide risk& known to school) are not being supported 1:1 at the current school, whereas in the other ( alternative )school they are ( not anecdotal). I'm sorry to be vague; potentially outing info otherwise.

I think there are potentially serious safeguarding issues at this school (rated outstanding nonetheless on SEN provision) but I just don't have the resources in myself to raise it more with the school. And I dont want to put my daugher in the middle of it.

thanks again for insights though... moving her feels really risky but so does leaving her where she is.

But a high risk child wouldn't be supported 1:1 at a school. That's a safeguarding risk. You need to be under a mental health professional, of which no one is in the school, including the counsellors. There would be a risk review for a child like that and the expectation would be that CAMHS is providing the help, not school.

Unless you're 100% sure the other school can and will meet your expectations, I wouldn't be moving her.

"She does not want to move, despite recognising that she finds school very tiring and stressful."

What is the reason you think your DD does not want to move? She is Y8 so probably have some good reasons.

sorry i think I used 1:1 support technically incorrectly. I mean that there's no pastoral provision for additional (to external CAMHS intervention) support at school. It's basically down to the HoY (form tutor not involved), supervised by the SENCo.

To be clear: I don't expect professional style mental health intervention from school. But I think it is possible to foster a cultural environment at school, which helps all the children understand that it is in fact 'ok not to be ok'.
Despite the technical details all being in place at this school good mental health is not fostered culturally... this is very hard to express on paper but it is totally obvious through experience.

@PreplexJ My daughter says she doesn't want to have to re-orient herself in a totally new place, and have to make new friends.

I'm not sure to be honest. I think all schools just pay lip service to mental health. There's no money for purely pastoral staff with no timetable. It's not that they don't want to. They simply have no money. Even if they exist, they end up picking up admin staff from others. I think your problem is probably more with how academic the school is and that doesn't suit your child. I really really don't think you're going to get much more pastoral or mental health support. Even if they have it now, they are very unlikely to in Sept given how budgets are looking.

My DD was in a very similar situation. Bright kid, high performing school, anxiety, OCD. Very unhappy yr7 and 8.
We thought long and hard about moving her. She wasn't keen and thought it would be just the same but in an unfamiliar school with people she didn't know. So she stayed. And it got better.
She's just finished her GCSE'S, good results predicted but she's taken virtually none of the enrichment or extra curricular stuff. She has a big group of nice friends and is such a credit herself. Still anxious and struggling with certain things but absolutely growing in confidence and maturity.
Keep talking to your DD and maybe look at how she might meet some of those extra curricular stuff outside school in a more supportive environment.

I think individuals' experience at the same school can vary a lot. It's very hard to get past anecdotal evidence.

HoYs are individuals with their own teaching load, and only so many hours in the day. Some have more capacity than others but they're all finite. In the same year group at the same school I know parents who are delighted with the pastoral support, and others who are appalled by it. I think in the latter case it's often that their kids are not considered quite "bad enough" to get the staff time. Every minute of staff time they get needs to take away from someone else, because the HoYs are basically full up.

The school my child moved to has made leadership decisions to get way more of this stuff in place. Every year group has a non-teaching pastoral supporter for example, and there is a staffed safe place for students who struggle. But ultimately I wouldn't be surprised if there are still children being missed. Maybe my child's just further up the pecking order at their new school.

Ultimately a new school is a roll of the dice. The question is whether the current school is "bad enough" to be worth running that risk. Things can get worse as well as better, especially if they have friends where they are. But for my child, the move worked out.

@PushmePull Very well worded.

@PushmePull agree - thanks that's very helpful too.

@Beamur that's what we've started to do with her - trying to encourage less uptake of stuff at school. She feels that makes her a failure, somehow but I think that's what we need to address away from school.
She is doing very well academically but clearly the pressure she puts on herself is too much.

thanks again everyone for considered responses 💐.
I think on balance it sounds as if staying put might be the way to go.

Op I think it's very very difficult to separate issues your child would have in every school because those are issues they have within themselves, to ones that are caused by school. It's tricky as they spend so much time at school so naturally we tend to lean towards that as the reason, esp if they are moaning about school. And school can definitely make issues that are already there, worse.
School tends to be a safe thing to moan about for kids so if she does move, and it's still bad, that may well make her feel worse. It really sounds like you're very sensible, in what is probably a really difficult situation for you. I'd be a bit worried she may feel anxious in the other school for the opposite reason. They don't push me enough, kids are messing about, what if I fail?

My DD did the anger version of this, it was brilliant. Starving the Anxiety Gremlin: A Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook on Anxiety Management for Young People: 1 (Gremlin and Thief CBT Workbooks) https://amzn.eu/d/9XgdVmA

There's a simpler version for younger kids too, if she prefers.

Sending you lots of patience and calm, it is so hard.

@Foxesandsquirrels thank you and you are exactly right about distinguishing causes for anxiety.
I will definitely look into that book. x

thanks @Foxesandsquirrels

It is a tough one though OP, you're not wrong about culture varying tremendously between schools either. Sometimes you don't see what was missing until you move to somewhere that has it.