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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Son hates school choice

22 replies

Nachobowls · 28/04/2023 15:57

My son really isn’t happy about the secondary school choice he was given, he didn’t get into his first choice and none of his friends are going to this school (I did ask him many times to ask them where they are going but he wouldn’t) so now his only 2 friends are going to the same school (not his first choice) and he is going to a school where he won’t know anyone. It’s not a simple case of he will make friends when he gets there as he is autistic and struggles with friendships anyway and making friends. Has anyone been in this situation with their child was unhappy with the school they have been given and did it work out ok?

OP posts:
Dodgeitornot · 28/04/2023 19:14

It's not that common to go to the same school as your primary friends anyway. It's unlikely your son would've stayed friends with those boys in secondary school. Just keep being positive about it. Change is really hard for ASD kids.

Original poster
Nachobowls · 28/04/2023 19:26

Dodgeitornot · 28/04/2023 19:14

It's not that common to go to the same school as your primary friends anyway. It's unlikely your son would've stayed friends with those boys in secondary school. Just keep being positive about it. Change is really hard for ASD kids.

Thank you. I hope so, when I was in secondary most people did seem to go to the same school as their friends (as I went to a completely different one and was one of the only ones who didn't have friends already there) so hopefully that's not the case for him.

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Dodgeitornot · 28/04/2023 19:28

@Nachobowls Don't stress about it as he'll feel it. My DD has an EHCP and moved to a completely different school to all her friends. She actually went to a primary where the split was 50/50 for 2 schools and she was the anomaly. She hated me for the first month of Y7. It was the best thing for her and she made tons of friends. Don't fret.

Taptap2 · 28/04/2023 19:42

You need to have chosen the best school that supports his ASD not where his friends are going. Friends and ASD is tough in year 7. It took my DS a couple of years to find his friends. Has he any online gaming friends, that helps alot of ASD teens.

Original poster
Nachobowls · 28/04/2023 19:55

No he doesn't. I did choose the school I thought was best but he isn't happy with the school and never was and doesn't want to go there, so I let him pick the school he wanted as a first choice but like I said he didn't get that school, he has come out today upset that he won't be at the same school as them before he didn't seem bothered about what school they were going I did ask him to ask them and its normal for kids to want to go to the same school as their friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nachobowls · 28/04/2023 19:55

Dodgeitornot · 28/04/2023 19:28

@Nachobowls Don't stress about it as he'll feel it. My DD has an EHCP and moved to a completely different school to all her friends. She actually went to a primary where the split was 50/50 for 2 schools and she was the anomaly. She hated me for the first month of Y7. It was the best thing for her and she made tons of friends. Don't fret.

Thank you that sounds hopeful!

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 28/04/2023 19:58

There will be other y7s with SEN and I'm sure he'll be helped with the social side of school as well as the academic. Secondary schools have come on leaps and bounds in pastoral care.

aureus3012 · 28/04/2023 20:04

I deal with admissions in my school. There are countless changes to the admission list at this time of year. If you know what other school he may like to go to, then phone them and ask if they have any spaces. Then you can put in an amendment to the council. A few weeks ago we were full but we now have 12 spaces for September!

CarryMeToIreland · 28/04/2023 20:07

Both my sons went to a secondary that none of their friends went to. There are usually extra transition days for non-feeder school children, plus children who may need additional help whether it is SEN or support getting organised. I would ask the school now what they have in place. The pastoral care was amazing and they know who to keep an eye out for.

Lots of primary friendships end at secondaries and he clearly has the ability to make friends as he has them now. Ds2 is quirky and I did worry for him but he found his tribe within a couple of weeks. They are now year 12 and still all together.

At primary there is a small choice of friends usually a 30 pupil class size. At secondaries there are around 300 plus and they are put in sets for maths and English so more opportunity to mix. There are also lunch time clubs and after school clubs he may want to join. Ds2 joined the games club where they played card games and board games etc for 2 hours.

Original poster
Nachobowls · 28/04/2023 20:08

Can I just say he doesn't have the ability to make friends he really struggles, he only had one friend all through school the second friend he made in year 6 so definitely not easy for him to make friends. He usually stands alone in the playground and doesn't like talking to other children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nachobowls · 28/04/2023 20:09

aureus3012 · 28/04/2023 20:04

I deal with admissions in my school. There are countless changes to the admission list at this time of year. If you know what other school he may like to go to, then phone them and ask if they have any spaces. Then you can put in an amendment to the council. A few weeks ago we were full but we now have 12 spaces for September!

I will try that thank you.

OP posts:
DiscoBeat · 28/04/2023 20:09

Can you appeal?

Original poster
Nachobowls · 28/04/2023 20:15

No we would have missed that now I think? It was March 1st

OP posts:
Hotvimto3 · 28/04/2023 20:18

Yes. Did not get any of our 5 choices. He went to a school that wasnt popular. Only one from his school. Sen needs too and also emotional support needed.
He has come out of his shell, avoided the vile bullys that were in juniors. Confidence thru the roof, humour and personality shining through.
The school is absolutely everything he needs and we need as a family. Its so nice to know how happy settled and confident he is.
Its a school with a high amount of children with ectra needs, much more than his and because of this staff are amazing, extra training, resources, lots of contact from the school, lots of support. I went from crying and going thru the pointless and soul destroying appeal process and im glad they were all turned down. Its something im extremely greatful for currently.

Hotvimto3 · 28/04/2023 20:21

CarryMeToIreland · 28/04/2023 20:07

Both my sons went to a secondary that none of their friends went to. There are usually extra transition days for non-feeder school children, plus children who may need additional help whether it is SEN or support getting organised. I would ask the school now what they have in place. The pastoral care was amazing and they know who to keep an eye out for.

Lots of primary friendships end at secondaries and he clearly has the ability to make friends as he has them now. Ds2 is quirky and I did worry for him but he found his tribe within a couple of weeks. They are now year 12 and still all together.

At primary there is a small choice of friends usually a 30 pupil class size. At secondaries there are around 300 plus and they are put in sets for maths and English so more opportunity to mix. There are also lunch time clubs and after school clubs he may want to join. Ds2 joined the games club where they played card games and board games etc for 2 hours.

Yes! His was the only school from our group who provided tonnes of transition days, meetings and even a summer school where it was only them in school and they got exclusive use of all the fun stuff for a week. So so good. Got rid of his anxiety so much.

CarryMeToIreland · 28/04/2023 20:27

@Hotvimto3 oh yes, there was a summer school too. I had forgotten. It helped them feel like they were not alone, that there were lots of children from non-feeder schools. Plus they did a year 7 team building day 2 weeks in where they deliberately break up primary school groups to force them to mix with other children in teams.

They also actively encouraged parents to drop in their year 7s on the first day. They all lined up behind their new teacher on the school field, were instructed to give us all a wave and off they went. No other year group is in just year 7s so they get a feel of the place before the others. They also let them out earlier too for the first week.

Hotvimto3 · 28/04/2023 20:30

CarryMeToIreland · 28/04/2023 20:27

@Hotvimto3 oh yes, there was a summer school too. I had forgotten. It helped them feel like they were not alone, that there were lots of children from non-feeder schools. Plus they did a year 7 team building day 2 weeks in where they deliberately break up primary school groups to force them to mix with other children in teams.

They also actively encouraged parents to drop in their year 7s on the first day. They all lined up behind their new teacher on the school field, were instructed to give us all a wave and off they went. No other year group is in just year 7s so they get a feel of the place before the others. They also let them out earlier too for the first week.

Sounds fabulous and It makes such a difference for the kids I think. Really starts them off on a mlre confident footing.

CarryMeToIreland · 28/04/2023 20:32

@Hotvimto3 they thrived there, amazing teachers, incredible head of year who went with them from year 7-11, brilliant pastoral, I couldn't have asked for more. They know it was the right choice for them, made good friends and now older can see all the reasons why we chose it over the feeder school.

Hotvimto3 · 28/04/2023 20:38

CarryMeToIreland · 28/04/2023 20:32

@Hotvimto3 they thrived there, amazing teachers, incredible head of year who went with them from year 7-11, brilliant pastoral, I couldn't have asked for more. They know it was the right choice for them, made good friends and now older can see all the reasons why we chose it over the feeder school.

This is amazing. Im so glad, i hope my two have as much success. Honestly im such a strong believer in todays world that good mental health, confidence and acknowledgement of difference will set them up so much more than just grades and the anxiety that comes with this. I have confidence thos school churns out well rounded, confident kids with good morals.
The junior school mine went to was horrendous for condescending bullys... saying things that would cut your heart in two... no one cared. Nothing done about it.

Hersetta427 · 30/04/2023 13:30

Did you know he hated your choice but you chose it anyway? Why did you not take his feelings into account. If you want to make adult decision like this there really is no point now having second thoughts. You chose the school for a reason presumably.

Original poster
Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 13:35

Hersetta427 · 30/04/2023 13:30

Did you know he hated your choice but you chose it anyway? Why did you not take his feelings into account. If you want to make adult decision like this there really is no point now having second thoughts. You chose the school for a reason presumably.

No he really wasn’t bothered about what school he got it only seems like he is upset now he realised his friends won’t be going I think he just assumed they would be being as it’s the most local one. As I said in my op I asked him his opinion many times what school he wanted to apply for he only wanted one particular one and wouldn’t choose any others at all, he only wanted one that I told him we were unlikely to get into as it has a specialist art section and he only wanted that one, so what should have I done? Not apply for any? He only wanted his first choice, I suggested other schools but he didn’t want them for other reasons, being all boys etc

OP posts:
GloryBees · 01/05/2023 07:42

Does he not have an EHCP and therefore you went to top of list?

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