Are these normal year 7 friendship problems?

[jaqueandjill]

This is a bit of an essay, I'm sorry. DD is in year 7 at an all girls school. For context, she is autistic - this may be relevant as I don't know whether the friendship problems she's been having are normal, or whether she is struggling with social communication and contributing to them. She has low support needs - she passed the 11 plus, travels to and from school independently and is very social - she likes having friends, is fun company and to my mind is a kind child.

When they started she quickly made a friend, I'll call her Jenny, that she spent break and lunch with everyday. There were no problems at all however Jenny was one of the few girls in the class who didn't have a phone, so DD couldn't chat with her outside of school. As the weeks went by DD was getting to know other people better and after the first half term, had drifted away from Jenny. I think this is probably fairly normal that the initial friends they make don't necessarily last - there was never a fallout between them and they get on still but not close.

By Xmas, DD now had a new best friend, Sarah. For the first couple of months all was great, we had her for tea etc and she seemed a lovely, polite girl and I was pleased for DD. Then DD started to get to know another girl from a different class, Anna. She pulled Anna into the fold so that they were now a threesome. Predictably, it didn't work. Sarah and Anna weren't as keen on each other as they were on DD and she started to feel pulled in different directions. Sarah started to get huffy with DD - we talked about this a lot, how Sarah was probably feeling pushed out and that it was good to have more than one friend but DD should make sure she makes time for them both.

Sarah wasn't happy though and started ignoring DD on and off and then was physically unkind. At this point DD felt she'd had enough - that she was entitled to have other friends - and decided to let the friendship with Sarah slide and concentrate on Anna.

Everything was great with Anna for a few weeks. Then, DD started to become friendly with another girl in her class, Claire. Just like before, she pulled Claire into the fold and it was a new threesome. I felt a bit wary of this but DD assured me Anna and Claire liked each other and all was good.

This lasted a couple of weeks until yesterday, when Anna got upset about something DD is adamant she didn't do, and told DD their friendship is over,

If you made it through all of that thank you! My question is, does this sound like normal year 7 friendship issues - maybe she's just encountered particularly possessive girls - or does it sound like DD is perhaps unintentionally making people feel left out or like they're being replaced? DD says she's entitled to have more than one friend which of course she is - I would prefer her to have several - but I wonder whether I could better support her.

I don't have girls, but my 2 closest friends who do tell me that they have all this!

You are being dismissive and patronising in your first sentence when you say "I think you were quite lucky or had a very extroverted DD". You suggested that my experience - not just for DD but her wider observations - was down to luck or my DD's personality rather than literally what we have gone through. Others have mentioned that their DC have wider friendship groups than just 2s or 3s, although I appreciate some DC do prefer or feel more comfortable to only have one or two friends. The OP asked for views and I gave mine. Fine if your view "aligns with 99% of other posts" as you claim but I don't see any need for you to dismiss my (and my DD's) experience.

Sorry OP, no desire at all to derail your thread. Best wishes to you and your DD.

@Nowfeeltheneedtopost 👍

That sounds quite coherent compared with the ridiculously complex friendship issues I have had to deal with as a teacher over the years! All very normal for yr 7.

Awful isn't it. DD's situation is that she is very very shy & quiet but had a close group of friends she was confident with at primary. Now that they have moved to high school, the rest of the group have started making new friends & DD hasn't. Nobody has fallen out with her, nobody is being mean to her, they still talk to her but either she hardly sees them (different classes) or they are talking to new friends more.

DD is heartbroken. I know rationally that she will make new friends too in her own time but the meanwhile is awful.

Ah that sounds hard. I didn't put this in my OP as not relevant to the current situation, but DD had very similar at the start. Her 3 best friends from primary all went up to DD's school too, but they were all put in one form together and DD is in another. For the first couple of weeks DD would race off to meet them every break and lunch, but they weren't putting in the effort back, they were all together and just didn't need to. It was alarming to see how quickly this years long friendship group deteriorated! They'd literally been friends since reception. As with your DD no falling out - they say hello to each other and might randomly message every few weeks, but it's just gone. The 3 girls have each gone their separate ways from each other too.

I really hope your DD finds some new friends soon.

Thank you. It really helps to know DD isn't the only one xx

High school pastoral lead here. Totally normal. Strap yourself in - this sort of thing continues until about the end of y8. Really good your dd is talking to you about what’s going on. Keep listening and nodding. Only offer advice if it is sought. Good luck!

@Nowfeeltheneedtopost my dd's experience was like your dds, she is year 11 now too. Dynamics shifted within the group but she always was part of things. My younger DD in year 7 prefers to be with a best friend and this seems to be a harder path. I must admit, she has a friend who has been transferring her friendship easily and I've suggested my DD steer well clear of her as she creates a lot of churn and doesn't seem to be able to form the deep friendships my DD is looking for.

Thank you. It all makes me feel quite anxious on her behalf - I've read that girls with autism can manage quite well socially when they're younger, but as they get older the interactions get more complicated and difficult for them to navigate. I had been bracing myself for everybody to say it wasn't normal so it's really helpful to hear from teachers who see it firsthand.