DD hates new school - what should we do?

[ElfinsMum]

DD11 started high school a couple of weeks ago (in Aus). She hates it and is starting to refuse to go. To us, she appears very nervous and stressed. In order of priority, the things she is struggling with are:

• Large crowds in the corridors between classes. She has always hated large crowds. One day right at the start, she dropped something and when she bent down to pick it up, the person behind knocked her over. She is genuinely frightened of being pushed down the stairs.
• Using the toilet, canteen and basically everything else at break times due to large queues
• Being rushed and getting into trouble for being late. Again, time management and being late has always been a big fear.
• Keeping hold of her things. She has already lost vast amounts of kit, most of which has got back to her so far thank goodness. We can see this is because she is so stressed.

These concerns are wrecking everything, even the activities that are good and the time with nice kids she either already knew or has met. We have been offered a meeting with home room teacher and head of year.

What can/should we ask the HoY to do to help? I'm concerned these things are just how secondary school is, yet her fear of them is currently huge and overwhelming.

Sadly this sounds like nearly every secondary school.

Nine of these issues sounds insurmountable l, just pretty standard settling in and getting used to it stuff.

Another month she'll be more used to routines etc

My dd started high school in Sept & felt the same way. I wondered if I'd made a huge mistake in essentially letting her choose the school.
1.5 terms later & she's settled in much better and is already used to the business and has found her feet. She still doesn't love it they way she did primary & she has lots of people she's friendly with but no settled friendship group yet. (Her friends all went to different schools)

Give it time - it is a huge change.
Try and help her adapt. Eg dd takes packed lunch or buys her sandwich at breaktime in wkB to avoid queues.
Maybe help her plan her route between classrooms with her timetable when she's packing her bag.

Hello, I'm in Aus too.

Is the high school a big one? Eg 8-10 forms per year?

Around me there are high schools with large intakes and with smaller intakes. Is there a possibility of checking out other smaller high schools around where you live?

It is a private Catholic school. It's smaller than our local public/state school. But it is v popular at the moment so there are 12 (smallish) home room groups and I think 8 large forms in her year, streamed for some subjects (e.g. maths) and just mixed for others I think.

Very similar experience to my DD when she moved from a smallish school to a huge one. She hated canteen/lunch and the moving between classes, she has lots of class friends but only a very small handle of friends.

As its one of the smaller that possible alternatives in your area, its probably a case of helping her settle than move her. Things that helped DD
Packed lunch - she would plan to go to the canteen but knowing she had an alternative and something she'd genuinely like gave her an out if it was too crazy and loud.
She also found spaces where she could eat that were less busy - so can she look for areas a bit more tucked away? Likewise at break and lunch - anywhere she can hangout and get a breather from the crowds - DD's school library is open at lunch and the librarian is very welcoming of kids that need space and quiet before the afternoon classes start.
Getting to school early while its still quiet so at least she got to her home room calmly and that helped set up the day.
Her home room teacher met her one day after school and they walked around her timetabled rooms - one of the things that made her anxious was not really knowing her way around especially in the crowds. A couple months on she's much more confident about this.

Really I think its time and getting familiar with it. For DD it was a really tough time, mornings were particularly stressful but we're now 6 or so months on and whilst its not her 'happy place' she's managing it a lot better

Hi , I’m in a huge secondary school, a lot of yr 7s struggle with the change . Lesson change can really be a challenge to those who don’t like crowds . Our school give a pass to let the ones who are finding the transition too much , to leave class a few moments early , to get to the next class before the rush . I’m afraid to say this is what school is like , good news , your child will acclimatise !

Way back in the days of the Ark when I started high school some of the prefects were allocated as 'mothering prefects' so each class had 2 or 3 final year girls (girls' school) who came in to our form time and who you could ask for help from. In the first days it could be how to get to a particular room.

Could you suggest something to the school like that?

It doesn't sound very different to many other high schools. She needs to give it a bit more time.

Is there any chance she has any form of Neuro Diversity?
e.g Autism, or Dyspraxia or similar.

I say this because although all high schools are as you describe, most children manage and get used to it. All the points you make could be linked to something like ASD, which in girls can remain hidden for longer than in boys as they mask better and it presents differently.

Either way, talk to her form tutor / head of year. Adjustments that might be possible would be leaving 5 minutes early at the end of lessons to manage corridors / get to toilets without queues, having school keep her PE kit somewhere, take a packed lunch.

And maybe talk to the person responsible for children with additional needs too.

All high schools are like this. Ask school re support but don't rule out some deeper issues as they often only present themselves at this point

Have you contacted the school about it?

Maybe they have a buddy system or similar?
Could you ask teacher to pair your daughter up with other kids in her year who might find it a tad overwhelming?
She needs a partner to navigate the school.

I think with time she's going to get used to it unless there's an underlying issue

Oh no! I feel really sorry for your DD - she sounds like she is really struggling. Maybe she should take the half-term as a chance to relax a bit more. If you do have a meeting with HOY, try to highlight the issues you outlined in the OP. It will help them understand why she might be struggling. I hope this helps!