Coping with dc with different abilities

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I am after some advice as someone who had no siblings and am now a single parent. Ds1 has always done extremely well at school and just got all 9s in his mocks, which is fantastic, of course. Ds2 is two years younger and also does well - is in top sets and tends to get mainly 7s in assessments, with a smattering of 6s and 8s and the odd 9. (The school gives GCSE 'grades' as WAGs from Y7, which I don't really understand but it obviously gives a rough indication of how they're doing).

I am worried about how to speak about ds1's achievements in front of ds2 without causing feelings of inadequacy/jealousy, while at the same time giving ds1 the praise and attention he deserves. Obviously, we don't know what will happen in the summer, but most subjects used the 2019 grade boundaries and he was well into 9s. He is very hardworking as well as able so the likelihood is his GCSE results will be extremely impressive (not that I'm assuming all 9s or assuming anything really).

I know ds2 compares himself, sometimes unfavourably and I don't know how to deal with it. Certainly I don't make negative comments about him or compare him myself but he seems to be doing that himself. He's able, but nowhere near as driven as ds1, who also has interests/hobbies that complement school work, while ds2 would sit on tiktok all day if I let him.

Ultimately, I think ds2's grades are great and he is conscientious enough. If he stays as he is I feel like he'll do well while Ds1 just has this immense drive from within that I'm not sure ds2 should or can even try to emulate, but I don't want to come across as negative about his potential or ability. I also don't want anything like this to spoil their relationship, which is pretty good, notwithstanding the usual sibling squabbles. Any advice on how to deal with this would be great.

You could try being careful about what you praise- "well done! You revised really hard for that test" or "well done, you got the grade you needed!" Rather than praising the actual grade?

Praise work and effort rather than results. Praise improvement or specific things that a DC has done well (not - "you did well in that test" but "the way you wrote down summaries of the main points to help you remember worked really well").

Getting a 7 (or even a 4) might be a "better" result relative to a person's abilities, than a 9 for another person. Unfortunately this is not reinforced at all schools.

Also focus on positives. DS1 might be hardworking and get good results, but I bet DS2 has good qualities too.

No real advice I'm afraid, but commenting to bump your post. And to follow this thread as I recognise my own family situation in a lot of what you've said. It's great you have mentioned that your DS1 also needs fair praise and recognition. In an attempt to not overshadow the 'lower-achieving' child, parents can sometimes play down the attainments of the 'more successful' child. I think I am sometimes guilty of this.

Another vote for praising and recognising the work rather than the results. How hard they work or how much effort they put in is within their control, whereas the results they get can sometimes be down to factors outside their control - their natural aptitude or particularly good teachers/coaches one has that the other doesn't.

I am also very mindful that my DCs school experiences have been very different due to a number of reasons. DC1 had a bad run of teachers, DC2 was really lucky to have some great teachers, one had a lot of friendship dramas one did not, both were impacted by Covid at key points in their education but different stages which impacted outcomes. They are also different personalities and in approaches. I try to keep a balance and make sure I emphasise that I love them both equally for who they are not what grades they get.

I have identical twins and one is on track for 8s and 9s with the other likely to get 5-7s. But that child is a dancer and has other skills outside of academic so we have spoken about the skills each have and how the grades show only a small part of her skills and she needs to get the best she can for her but remember that she as a person is much more than academic skills. I praise when she gets good grades for her.

I’ve also compared it to my running and park run as my dc know about this. I know I won’t win but there’s a sense of achievement by doing my best and improving on my own time, not comparing to others.

I also think you concentrate your encouragement and praise on the effort, not on the grade. You say your DS2 is able, and is in the top sets, and gets good grades, so he deserves just as much praise as DS1. It doesn't matter if one is getting a 7 and he other a 9 if they are both working hard.

I am your DS2 in my family. My elder sister worked very hard and came out with the highest possible grades in all GCSEs and Alevels, she won subject prizes and all sorts. I worked just as hard, really applied myself, really made the effort, but got fairly average grades. My sister was simply born with more intelligence, that's life. My parents couldn't help but compare the grades. "Being compared" really destroyed my confidence.
20 years later we are in fairly equal level jobs though I earn more because the industry I'm in is more profitable. 20 years later the grades we each got are completely irrelevant! We've both done well in our careers because of the effort we put in.

Focus all of your praise on effort and support.

This.

I was the sibling where grades came easily, was talented at sport etc.

my parents rarely praised my achievements, but constantly went on about how my sibling tried so hard, how they did so well in a competition - they were playing rec games while I was county/national level, how they were so talented at x or y, when I was several levels above.

it skewed my perception of myself considerably, and destroyed my self confidence.

I sent my dc to different secondary schools for this reason. So much easier when you won't ever be compared to your sibling. It also meant that they had very different options and experiences,they did totally different things so it was never really comparable.

My parents praised effort.

What I heard was "we didn't expect you to do any better really".
I'm sure they didn't mean that, but that's how I felt.

I was an adult when I realised that neither they were that much more academic than me nor did they do as much better than me as I'd got the impression. In fact by some methods I did better.
I gave up working because I thought it was easier to feel that if I'd worked as hard as them I might have done as well rather than work hard and know that I hadn't.

Thank you for al the replies - they've given me food for thought.

I have always praised effort and process, as advised in the parenting books. I was always all, 'Ooh, I love how you've coloured the sheep such a bright pink and tried really hard to stay in the lines!' when they were little. However, I do think it only takes you so far. All 9s is an amazing achievement in the mocks, and I would have felt a bit mealy-mouthed only focusing on the effort and hard work side of things, though I certainly mentioned those. 7s are great grades too and I'm always telling both of them that it's an amazing feat to get any of the top grades, and that everyone has different strengths, effort and a positive attitude are the most useful attributes etc etc. However, ds2 knows 9 is higher than a 7...

Another thing is, I think ds1 does work harder than ds2, so part of me wants to say, 'if you want those grades you need to follow his example,' but that feels too negative and I know ds1's motivation comes from himself so I'm not sure it works like that.

It's also hard as ds2 doesn't have hobbies that lead to achievements - he gave up all that stuff and now just likes the usual hanging around with friends, music etc. All lovely, just nothing he can really achieve in or be praised for. I tell them both I love them all the time apropos of nothing though. Just wondering whether it's enough.

I have 2 boys 19,21, both had to work hard at school and are now at university (please note that neither myself or my husband value our children in terms of their achievements it was their choice entirely to go to university as both my husband and I have worked hard in our careers but neither went to Uni). Both boys are good at different subject, one more creative the other maths based, all their results achieved is the ability to move onto the next level, whether that's GCSEs, A levels or degree. My sister is a Chemistry teacher and I actually have better GCSE grades in all the sciences so the actual number achieved is irrelevant once they move onto the next level.
I hope I've taught my boys that determination and resilience is the key factor. What their actual grades are is either good for their ego or the schools league tables.

I have 3 DC. DC1 is very clever but lazy. Possibly on the spectrum.
DC2 is less clever, incredibly driven, international athlete. DC3 is probably cleverest of the 3 but also lazy. Things mostly come easy to DC3, except maths where they struggle.

DC2 will achieve the most. DC1 says he admires DC2’s work ethic and wishes they were more like DC2

DC2 has a very intelligent, driven friendship group. She was comparing her mock results to theirs. I said that as long as she does her best, no-one can ask for more. I also pointed out that none of her friends are international athletes. And none of her friends have the serious medical condition she is living with.

I'd be honest but maybe choose times to praise DC1's achievement when DC2 is not around? I think for DC1's confidence, he needs to hear that he is outstandingly good and better than most other children - or me might not have the confidence to apply for university places or jobs that are advertised as 'we are looking for outstanding and gifted candidates', as he might internalise that he is like everyone else, and his results are only the outcome of hard work. They aren't- you can't get a 9 in maths or physics with hard only, the truth is that he must be of above average intelligence.

My two sons 17 and 21 cheer for one another no matter what. The youngest has done better academically and eldest ones happily tells other people when they ask (ie nosey next door neighbour) that younger brother blew him out of the water grade wise.
Eldest however has worked his socks off after leaving school at 16 and has made great strides, which youngest is also proud of.
I have two sisters , we all performed differently at school but never any jealously. Grades aren't everything, being adaptable and flexible just as important.

My kids are very bright but I would no more congratulate them on it than I would say well done for having blue eyes or being tall. I’m intelligent, as is DH, so we are not ‘in awe’ of our children. It makes sense they are bright.

One of ours achieves higher marks due to a couple of different factors. We praise her effort but we don’t make a big song and dance of it in front of her sibling. Or in front of anyone really. I find it crass when parents boast about their kids’ academic achievements.

GCSEs are also just the start of senior education and I think getting carried away with them can put a lot of pressure on your child. Eventually they will hit a level where they won’t be perfect and they need to be able to cope with that. Some families find that the child who did well at school ends up being more successful in life than the child who did brilliantly. But the way you treat them can stay with them forever.