Y7 DD struggling

[thirdistheonewiththehairychest]

Dd has come home from her first day back after the Xmas break and admitted to me at bedtime that she thinks "XXX is not the school for me" as she feels very pressurised there.

For context, it's a private school; she has a scholarship and bursary to go there. The local state school is shockingly bad (i.e. was recently rated inadequate in all areas).

DD is very bright and is absolutely smashing it, glowing report etc, but she says she's unhappy. Despite being a private school it is the least pressured in terms of academics but DD is struggling with the amount of PE (every day) as it's her worst subject and I think she is petrified of the teacher. And she has very high standards for herself. I think having sailed through primary school, she's just not used to having to work hard.

Are these just normal Y7 wobbles? How can I help her to understand that it IS the best school for her in the absence of any better options? And any tips to help her deal with the perceived pressure?

Sorry for the ramble but this seems to have come out of nowhere and I don't know how to respond to it!

PE every day?
That sounds excessive!!!

Just write in or speak to them and say you'd rather she used her time doing other things and you permit one hour a week or whatever is the norm!!!

In my experience most kids have a wobble at some point starting secondary school. One of ours had a wobble on day 1 but he did start in lockdown and went to a different secondary to his classmates and another child at the end of the first term. It’s a big jump and if she’s moved from state to private it will a double jump. I would empathise and give it time to see if she settles.

I would also let her tutor know so the school can give a little additional support. Schools are different places too when I went IMO and the focus on pastoral care much greater now.

Yeah, it doesn't work like that.

Ime it can take children well into the second or third term of secondary to truly settle. Does she have friends? As you appear to have no suitable alternative I'd maybe give it a bit longer.

My eldest dd14 took ages to settle into high school in fact I'd say she only settled towards the end of year 8. She'd gone from a very small tight knit primary school to a pretty large high school (c70 pupils to c900).

However, my middle dd started high school in Sept 22 and has settled in really quickly. Apart from being scared of her strict tech teacher haha.

I contacted student support for my eldest, can you do that? Is your dd doing OK socially, made friends etc? Is it just pe she's not enjoying?

It is a huge deal bless them I'd give it a bit more time if you can before making any big changes.

Our kids' highlight is the daily PE! But our school is very good at pitching PE at different levels for the different children. I would give it a couple of weeks (she's only had 1 day of term!) And if she's still unhappy speak to the school and let them know.i would check with her it is the PE and nothing else.

Thanks for the responses.

Yes she moved from state primary and so I think it has been a bit of a shock. It's a loooong day and she'd never even had homework before!

Socially, she didn't know anyone before she went but seems to have found a nice group of friends so she's finding her feet in that respect.

I guess I want her to know that there's no pressure. She's just always been the best and so I think the pressure is all self-imposed. And that's why PE is such a sticking point for her...because it's the one thing she's not good at. It's just really bad luck that it's the subject she has the most of AND the subject with the mean teacher!

We moved from state to private in year 3. There is PE every day rather than twice a week. The school day is waaay longer (11.5hrs including 4 days a week v 7hrs incl walk) and they do Saturday morning school from year 6! So it's a big change. Homework every day..
Sounds like she is just having a wobble. Probably was a shock after the holidays!

Does she feel pressure because of the scholarship aspect do you think?

My Dd is the same age and seems to have settled a bit more now (although not back after Xmas yet!!) but she struggled for the first wee while.

One thing I've noticed is that she is in top sets for maths etc and I think sometimes it's a shock because you're not the top of a mixed ability class anymore if that makes sense? It's a bit of a check to the ego.

I do think it's normal for them to have a wobble but it's good she's talking to you. I'd encourage that and do what I could to nurture good friendships. Why doesn't she like PE?

Both mine moved from state to private for secondary.

Sport was the area that they felt really behind in. Especially DD who moved to a school which had a junior department so most of the girls had been doing 'proper' PE for years and were already in established teams etc. To be fair, DD would not have made any teams anyway, but it didn't really help. Her 20 mins a week of skipping or playing dodgeball at primary did nothing to prepare her for full on hockey/netball/tennis etc. And yes - all her PE teachers were horrible too.

Prep schools usually play 'competitive' team sports from year 3 so if you join in year 7 you have missed out on 4 years of practice.. They may see this as a good thing if they are not keen on PE but may also find they are further 'behind'

I would definitely give it more time. My husband started at a comprehensive and was miserable. His parents looked around for another school, settled on private school which had a place, paid the deposit only for my husband to turn around and say he actually was happy now and he wanted to stay so they unpicked it all. I would personally give it a year myself as it does take time for friendships to form and for things to bed in. One term isn’t very long at all. If she still feels the same way at the end of the year sit down and have a talk.

I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ my daughter is exceptionally bright, talented etc, but wanted to go to school with her friends and would not hear of going to private. The school’s rating was good but my gut instinct was to allow her to try it. She is super happy, highly motivated, does her homework, just loves her friends and has made more. Perhaps it’s not the PE and maybe your DD is struggling with social side of things. I would listen to her and not try and shush her with how private is better. Maybe it is on paper, but in reality she would do well anywhere if she was in good company. Is it single sex? My DD did not want this at all costs. Such schools can be a hotbed of anxiety and some truly weird goings on. My DD said that the boys made her laugh because of the dumb things they did. I listened to this too. Basically she was letting me know that a single sex school seemed a bore for her and going into puberty she probably does need idiots to look at to pass the time. It prepares them for real life that’s not just about assignments and GCSEs.

But in reality your DD was just having Jan blues of going back and the best way to get over this is not talk about it much, just do day to day things and such chat might disappear.

My DD said that the boys made her laugh because of the dumb things they did.

One of the reasons my DD definitely wanted single sex 😁 Just goes to show that's what right for some doesn't work for others.

She may be very bright, but that doesn't mean she's suited to a competitive single sex environment.

I actually think perfectionist girls really benefit from boys doing dumb things to make them laugh!

I'm over-simplifying of course, but if she's saying she's unhappy, listen to her.

I've assumed it's single sex - apologies if that's my error

I think you do need to listen to her. Why not let the school know she is unhappy? Tell dd to give it a bit longer but ultimately if she is unhappy, you may need to consider a change. If she is bright and well motivated she will do well anywhere of course.

And I just wanted to add, although my DD is really happy right now, there was a phase early on in the school when she wasn’t so happy. Basically it was about yr 2/3 three and she said that she just wasn’t playing with anybody at lunchtime. I remember really listening to her lots and talking and asking about it. However the best policy was to actually stop talking about it, rather stop bringing it up and all the talk about it very briefly if they bring it up. Sometimes talking about these things can deepen one’s anxiety. In the end if she would ever say that she was not playing with people at lunch, I would just say that was just today, ‘I’m sure tomorrow it will be different because you might want to join in other peoples play tomorrow?’This worked out really well. Because it showed that I had confidence in her and sure enough it was within a few days or weeks they should really found her place in stride and the confidence began with me not being anxious about it and showing I had belief in her.

But in terms of catching up with private school PE…my boy just started cricket last year and played with all the other private school boys. By session 3 he was crying as he had to do a game and did not know the rules. He got man of the match in his first game and for 6 games after that, most genuinely as he trashed everyone by a mile.

The private kids had the advantage of earlier exposure. He had the advantage of good eye ball coordination. Can’t buy the latter. Once he got the exposure he, like yr girl, will catch up.

So catching up on PE/ games - make sure she knows the rules to the sports she’s doing. Maybe delegate this to yr hubby to do.That’s probably all there is to it and then she won’t feel clueless and useless in these lessons. Plus honestly she sounds like a dream girl, who cares if she can’t move a ball with a stick all that much, so long as she gets by, it’s just a faff not worth stressing about once she’s a CEO with her academic prowess. It’s unnecessary stuff they cram into private schools to give them the edge but honestly a lot of time gets wasted on that shite whilst they minimise arts and humanities. Sports so overrated is what I’m trying to say.

I could have written your post. The scholarship aspect does add pressure and additional work. I definitely would mention to the school, they will be able to help. We had a total meltdown last term, just so much to get used to and so many differences plus the longer day etc.

This term will be better and by summer I’m sure your DD will be more confident and settled.

It’s difficult when you know what the flip side could be. I’d say PE every day is normal.

I went to an independent for the whole of my education so I didn’t appreciate how much of a change it would be for my DD.

Ian"t this week the most depressing one of the year? Loads of people will be finding work or school difficult after the comedown from Christmas, back to early starts, with the rain and cold and dark, and that goes double for anyone who does daily PE and hates it.

Listen to her, empathise, but I don't think Jan is a good time for making these sorts of decisions. She'd probably not love going to any school this week. Half term would probably not be a good time to assess either. I would encourage her to give it longer I think, and get her as much down time as you can at home. Y7 is hard work for anyone, it can utterly exhausting for an introvert but most get through it and settle.

Is her PE issue because a lot of the children did a lot of PE at their prep schools and are super competitive? My DD is in Y6 and used to say she hates PE - but this is because she doesn’t find it easy and thinks she isn’t very good (but is bright academically).
Ask her if there are particular sports she likes or see whether she can find one positive about the lesson/game and get her to focus on that.
DD hates hockey and running but has recently found she quite enjoys netball - once she started enjoying it, she made more of an effort, which then paid off in terms of playing as a team and learning the skills. Kids are brutal and used to moan at her for being rubbish which compounded the issue as she’d stop trying - now she makes an effort and gives it a go even if she isn’t very good, the relationship with peers is much better.

Honestly she's very lucky to have the education that a private secondary offers. I'd guess it is just the huge change from state primary which feels hard.

Does she have a proposal about where she thinks she'd be better suited? Maybe worth showing her - the grass is never greener!

Pe every day does sound intense but also is probably incredibly good for her physical and mental well being.

I'd speak to the head of pastoral. With the PE focus on the benefits, my DD is only in year five at prep but loves the endorphins from lots of exercise apparently it helps her focus plus it's good for developing long term healthy habits.