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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

DS excluded for the day after fight

24 replies

excludedteen · 04/02/2008 12:20

My DS has been excluded from school for one day as a result of hitting another child. The other boy has been taunting DS for months and when he pushed him over in the playground, DS just lost it and hit him. DS hurt his arm in the fall, not seriously injured but must have hurt judging by the blood on his shirt. Headteacher says he has no choice but to exclude DS as this is the policy and he has to send out a consistent message. Can't argue with that. Whilst I can't ever condone hitting someone, for any reason, I'm not unduly concerned about my DS's action, in that it wasn't at all unprovoked. That in itself (my lack of concern) worries me in a way - shouldn't I be more upset? Am also concerned for the label my DS will now have with staff and pupils. Anyone else had the experience?

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Original poster

excludedteen · 04/02/2008 12:21

P.S. apologies if I don't keep posting, DS at home and in and out of the room, needs help with some of the work he's been set for today.

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Tortington · 04/02/2008 12:24

quell surprise - moi!

my son was excluded for fighting - we argued that whilst we thought this punishmnet was just and we wqanted to be seen as supporting the school that as all were aware of the background to the eventual blow out that the other teen involved should not go without punishement

we were quite vehement about this

we went into school and had a meeting

i thought we were rying to be frightened into complance with the language used " the caretaker said he had never seen anything like it"

"this may be, my son has had his punishment and that is not why we are meeting"

you have to be very eloquent.

take it further.

te scool should know that you are not an unintereted parent.

Tortington · 04/02/2008 12:25

if you want to talk off board - creamy custardo at hotmail dot com

Original poster

excludedteen · 04/02/2008 12:29

Thanks Cuntardo (can't believe your name!)School does know we are supportive parents (have had ongoing issues with his attitude to work). Other teen's parents have been spoken to and warned that he will be in serious trouble if his bullying continues. It's annoying that DS is taking all the punishment when he'd never have hit the other kid without provocation. We're definitely not precious about our DCs and if they have done wrong they should be punished. I just think exclusion, even for one day, carries a stigma more serious than the crime committed IYSWIM.

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juuule · 04/02/2008 12:30

When we had similar happen we found that our school didn't appear to be interested at all in what we had to say. They were more interested in being seen to follow policy and we were politely treated like a nuisance.

Bridie3 · 04/02/2008 12:30

This seems very unfair! The other boy should be punished if he pushed your son over first. Doesn't that count as 'hitting'?

Original poster

excludedteen · 04/02/2008 12:31

ok, thanks for the offer, won't be able to email til later but appreciate the offer being there. It helps to have someone non-judgemental to talk to!

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juuule · 04/02/2008 12:32

We were also told on another occassion that an exclusion isn't what it used to be and the first one is 'just' a marker on the school record to record when bad behaviour started so that if it continued there would be evidence to put before the governors. Sort of like starting to build a case (or so it appeared to us).

Original poster

excludedteen · 04/02/2008 12:34

Bridie, I think it's cos my son hit him so hard, the other kid was quite wobbly and didn't come into school the next day. Deputy Head warned DS that the other kid could press charges. Hence we've not washed DS's shirt to show the blood from where he was pushed over (which might sound a bit daft, but not taking any chances). Not saying what DS did was right, but has been wound up over this kid for a long time and when he pushed him over he snapped.

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NKF · 04/02/2008 12:36

What result do you want from the school? Why don't you send a letter explaining the background so that goes on the record as well as the exclusion? And ask that the bully is watched.

Original poster

excludedteen · 04/02/2008 12:39

To be honest, the school has been really good about it in some ways, very communicative and have spoken to us like intelligent adults. We are going to write a letter as you suggest. Not really sure what I want them to do, what I don't want is for the staff to hold this against my DS I guess.

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NKF · 04/02/2008 12:39

I bet they won't. Not if he's normally well behaved and this was out of character and provoked.

dippydeedoo · 04/02/2008 12:40

last week middle son had a fight and we were asked to bring him home i said was it exclusion?(apparently they head is only able to exclude and they have to take into account all factors ..social factors etc i men u cant send a child with tourettes home for saying something inappropriate)they said they werent but our son would have to work alone all day ....i was quite cross and altho my typing isnt as good as my vocal abilities i let rip and said yes i would be bringing him home and i would be going to lea it was made clear i was annoyed and that middle son couldnt go to school until we had been in .....well i must have been scarey ....they decided no meeting was neccesary!!!and son returned to school and all was well- i do think things get blown up and im sure it will all blow over its not like your son just thought hey im having a bad day lets nock his lights out he finally buckled and fought back so what can anyone say in his detriment? i would stick with my excuse/line that whilst i dont condone his actions i understand them and if school wre following their policies better with regards to bullying etc then we wouldnt need exclusions ,im not knocking teachers by the way(not at this point anyway)im just saying actions and consequences and of course looing at it from the other parents view i would be furious if my son was hurt badly but if i was told it was the end effect of an ongoing spat and in our case racial comments and insults about parents had been passed,then i would be more understanding .
I know its selfish but if we dont back out children when they are in situations they havebeen forced into we are then condoning bullying and nastiness.....tomorrow will be beeter im sure x

Original poster

excludedteen · 04/02/2008 12:56

Thanks Dippydeedoo. lots of helpful stuff in your post. Appreciated.

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dippydeedoo · 04/02/2008 12:59

youre so welcome ...

nametaken · 05/02/2008 13:59

Look on the bright side - your son has stood up to the bully and as a result of this is unlikely to be bullied again.

I'd swap 1 day of exclusion for a whole seconary schools worth of bullying any day.

dippydeedoo · 05/02/2008 16:04

nametaken thats dead right

fizzbuzz · 05/02/2008 20:30

I'm a secondary school teacher. What happened to the other kid? Was he excluded for bullying?

In terms of worrying about your son's record. If this is a one off, and he is normally OK, I don't think it is anything to worry about. Sometimes well-behaved pupils do get excluded for issuse like this, BUT, it just causes a few raised eyebrows amongst the staff, as most people will be genuinely suprised, take it as out of character, and then forget about it.

Not sure what a "record" is. It may go into his file in school, but doesn't get passed onto prospective colleges. I should know I've written millions of long tutor statements for kids who've been excluded, and have only ever said nice thigs about them . This is what we are encouraged to do..... Rashness of youth and all that , they all come out in the wash

Most teachers think like me...accentuate the positive..

cosima · 05/02/2008 20:38

am teacher also and teach the permanently excluded. A one day exclusion will not be mentioned on any reference or will carry a stigma ime

perpetualworrier · 05/02/2008 20:48

I understand exactly that if policy says your DS should be excluded for what he did then that's that and I would support the school outwardly, whilst being pleased DS had stood up for himself but surely they have an anti-bullying policy too. I would have some serious questions about what happened to that.

fizzbuzz · 05/02/2008 20:52

Yes, that's what I think perpetualworrier. What happened to the bully?

Original poster

excludedteen · 09/02/2008 18:38

sorry, hadn't realised more people had posted. Thanks to you all. The other boy has had a warning and his parents have been informed. But he wasn't excluded. Doesn't seem fair somehow, especially as it was a matter of luck that my DS wasn't more badly hurt. DS has never been in trouble before for hurting anyone, but is constantly in trouble for not applying himself to his work, so well known to the staff and could have done without one more thing.

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Original poster

excludedteen · 24/02/2008 19:07

Have just been advised, by a "friend of a friend" that schools can't legally exclude students for the way they respond to bullying. Does anyone know any more about this?

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Scramble · 03/03/2008 01:22

I have told my sone that if he is taunted and retaliates he will probably be the one that gets into trouble, and that as soon as we are out of the school I will pat him on the back and say well done and he will have to take the punishment, but know that he did the right thing by standing up forhimself.

So well doento your DS, the exclusion will give him a bit of kudos and less likely to get taunted. Don't worry the teachers that matter will know him well enough to know it was out of charactor and probably needed.

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