Year7 having a difficult week

[MiniCooperLover]

DS (11 1/2 so far) seemed to have settled reasonably well into Year 7, despite being in a newly established school while all his friends got places (thanks to Siblings) at the next along school. He seemed to be doing OK but the last couple of weeks was doing badly in tests despite knowing the work at home. We ask the usual, is everything OK, are you OK, etc. Not a big talker at the best of times but says all is fine. But does mention his height a bit .. He is short, much shorter than some of his friends at the moment but other than that he seemed OK. We talked about how people get taller, Daddy is very tall, etc. He is on the Senco's books as he had glue ear and speech issues in Reception and so his primary kept him on their Senco books all through school.

This week it all comes to a head and I get a phone call on Wednesday to say he'd been in a 'scuffle' in the playground when he'd tried to grab someone by the throat. Surprised is the understatement, generally he's a rule follower but he can have a trigger temper when pushed. After talking with the teachers he eventually tells them a bunch of kids have been following him around the playground (he's not managed to make a mate yet so is often on his own) calling him 'tiny', 'short' and 'gay' and Wednesday he snapped. Clearly it's bad, it's absolutely not acceptable by us (or school) and he's on a detention tonight. We finally manage to get out of him that it's been going on 'more than a few days, less than a few weeks'. We have a meeting in the books with school for Monday to talk about it all. Today I get a notice on the school app that he has another detention next Wednesday for 'defiance in Science' (his favourite subject).

Clearly something is going on, how do I get a reluctant 11 year old to talk? He's nowhere near puberty and in fact we have an apt before Christmas with a Urologist Consultant to check his testes are in the right place. We were so relieved he seemed to be have settled in OK, how do I do it language wise to try and encourage the least chatty kid ever to let us help him?

If you are concerned about his height or he is then it’s worth a trip to the GPs.

I would try and arrange a meeting with the head of year and the senco. Share you concerns. As an ex teacher I would be worried about a child who hadn’t made friends by this point. I would be asking if they have any social skills sessions or sessions for children who are struggling to settle in school. Most schools will have these invite only groups. I would ask what they are doing about the bullying - ask to see their bullying policy. Encourage your son to attend an after school club at school.

Make it clear to school and your son that his current behaviour is unacceptable and you are upset with him but that you are aware that is he is unhappy in school and you all need to work together to make changes.

Yes, thanks. He's always been a slow grower which never bothered me, but it's more obvious than ever now and we have the Urologist apt in a few weeks which will be step one I think as they've said they'll also check his hormones.

The no friends thing I was worried about and half knew would happen when he got this new school (School A). Until it's built they are being housed in temporary accommodation in the grounds of the other school (School B) so he has been able to still walk to school with old primary friends who are in School B. Next year when it's built he'll have to say goodbye to that and we've been trying to encourage him to try harder with the other 'new' kids and when we've raised it previously we've been told 'oh we see him with so and so and he seems happy, etc.'. I think in his mind he thinks 'oh I've got so and so and so and so and that's enough' but they aren't in his school anymore, the thought of him being lonely is really tough. He did similar during primary when classes would be mixed, it was almost like he'd wait for those friends even if they weren't in his class, he'd almost 'stay loyal' to them. I used to try and encourage him to just mingle but he's shy and likes his small group.

We've got a mtg booked in Monday with school, I'm trying to figure out if anyone has any language which they find works with a reluctant talker.

Do you have other kids?
My teens are most likely to talk if their siblings are out of earshot. In a car (so there's no eye contact) works really well.

Remember that if you want him to confide in you then you need to react appropriately. If your reaction to things is 🤯 then he'll obviously not risk that and keep schtum. But if you found out that he was rude to the teacher and you talk clearly about difficult topics then you're more likely to get some answers.

Height is a tricky issue as there's so much variation in when it happens and how tall they end up. Does your h remember when he grew much taller ? There is a genetic tendency to growth pattern ime

I think behaviour can also take a bit of a nosedive in the last few weeks of this term. It's exhausting for year 7 especially and things come to a head. I wouldn't worry too much about the friendship thing as it can definitely all change. Lots of friendships can fizzle out and change a lot over the year. The bullying thing is different and needs to get sorted. My DS is unusually tall but some of his friends in year 7 were tiny and then shot up in y8/9.

Agree with the suggestion of talking in the car - no distractions, no eye contact. A walk often works well, too.

Will he be in the meeting on Monday? It's worth asking him what he would like you to ask/say. If he will be there, the advantage of him telling you is that then he doesn't have to say as much in the meeting.

The bullying needs dealing with, but you also need to find out about support for him making friends - or at least not being on his own so much. Where can he go at lunchtime? Can they buddy him up with other children? Is there a club where he might meet potential friends?

Have you checked recently that there’s still no room in school b? Is he on a waiting list for school b?

I’m not trying to dismiss this, but aren’t some children very tall? Others are short. Dc pick on extremes. It is of course very unkind, but they have done this for generations and it’s moronic. Most schools seem to punish the bullied, who have retaliated, but not the bullies. I would therefore read the anti bullying policy and find the definition of bullying. I know you do not want to excuse his behaviour but constant and repeated taunting IS bullying. So go in armed with their policy which will, almost certainly, describe what bullying is. Ask how DS will be protected.

The school will have seen retaliation before. It might be that DS and his tormentors talk over what went wrong and promise not to do it again. However these other dc need to stop what they are doing and I would pay some attention to that at the meeting.

Agree with @upfucked
Defo speak with school re helping make friends. If unusually small for Yr7 get him checked.
I'm near a school in NW with the set up you describe. New school on site of old one where all DC with siblings go.

Well the glue ear, speech delays, and now difficulties in lessons points to possible dyslexia - have you noticed his time keeping, focus etc changing? *just worth a think!!

silly question but can he move to school B? It must be awfully lonely to have no friends for this length of time.