ASD and friends

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DS(year 9) is at a local grammar. Diagnosed with ASD (Asperger’s) in year 5. Academically very bright but socially struggles a lot! He has no friends in the school and whilst he does talk to a few people when doing class work etc. He tends to spend breaktimes/lunchtimes alone. Whilst he would like friends he struggles to make them and has now stopped trying as he has experienced negativity in the past and finds it easier not to bother. He is also experiencing some low level bullying ( kicking/hitting under the desk and saying no one likes you). This is from one of the ‘nicer’ boys who tends to behave generally well in lessons in front of teachers and DS feels like he won’t be believed by the teacher if he tells them what is happening. This boy is friends with other ’nicer’ children and my DS is worried they may also start to dislike him too. Has anyone got any advice on what I can do or say to my DS and if their own children’s friendships improved as they went up the school? I feel so sad for him. He has all the makings of a lovely friend but no one will give him a chance 😔

Oh that's really tough. Can you ring the SEN teacher and have a chat with them regarding the best way forward? They may well have encountered similar scenarios and found certain strategies helped? Other than that I would just try to boost your DS's confidence and reassure him of his strengths and likeability. Are there any clubs he could join outside of school that align with his interests, to make friends and thus boost his confidence too? My DS (also ASD and went to a grammar) struggled making friends in secondary but loves uni and has really found his feet there (still very quiet but he does socialise with like-minded folk and - importantly- is happy). All the best xxx

So sorry to hear about bad experience. Have you tried to contact with your doctor, Head of the year, form teacher and Senco? And have you tried to transfer your lovely boy to a different form? Any sessions to support children with difficulties in your school? Children with ASD can find friends with a little help, just need to navigate them slightly.

I'd email the SEND team and copying in the form tutor or Head of Year. Because if it escalates then you have a dated 'paper trail ' stating there were issues.

My DS is autistic, Y9. He's struggled with friends at secondary school because he does not know if they are being kind/rude/sarky/funny. He has stepped back from friendships and it makes me sad, but he seems happier mentally. I just hope he finds his tribe one day as he's sooo funny and lovely

We're having the same issue. Just started secondary school. She has a few people she txts and have asked if they want to hang out at the weekend but they are all busy. This really upset her. It breaks my heart ♥

Thank you for your replies. We have a meeting set up next week with HOY and SENCO. Although, I get the impression that the HOY thinks it’s might be both my son and the other boy trying to get each other in trouble and I get the impression he thinks my DS might be making it up! My DS didn’t even really want us to say anything to the school and we have had to encourage him too otherwise we believe the behaviour will just continue. So I don’t think it’s a case of trying to get the other boy in trouble! I don’t know about your ASD children but my DS finds it very hard to lie or manipulate someone else. I would almost be glad if he did have the skills to ‘try and get the other boy into trouble’ then at least I would know his social skills and reading other people was developing. It’s really hard as we try and encourage our DS to make us aware if any problems at school but then the school almost don’t believe him. So what is he meant to do?

We’ve had just the same except DS in a different year group. I phoned the school and said Pro Social Boy had been bullying my son and Pastoral Head didn’t believe me because PSB had only ever shown his good side to teachers. He actually pretty much said this to me on the phone. Complete surprise and disbelief.

Bullying escalated to point of horror this term and witnesses proved PSB had been the core bully in an incident that affected my DS deeply.

You can escalate the problem to the governors, and then to your local council and ofsted and your local MP if necessary. There are lots of avenues. Start be finding a copy of their anti bullying policy and let them know you’ve familiarised yourself with the terms and conditions.

Remind whoever you speak to that bullies operate in many places, Gavin Williamson for instance managed to become a govt Minister so clearly has a good side but can be a nasty bully when it suits him. Same for many other members of cabinet. They will support those they choose but god forbid you get in the wrong side of them.

As for friends, DD in year 10 now and starting to make loose friends. Don’t give up hope. She’s tried meeting up with them on the weekend and it’s true they don’t want to.

But she’s doing d of e and volunteering in a local charity shop for an hour a week which has really boosted her confidence.

then also we were told that drama would make the biggest difference so after Xmas they’re going to join a community theatre group and see how it goes. Neither of them are keen but I think building social interactions outside of school is really important, not necessarily their peer group but other ages.

Older people are sometimes more patient and kinder so I’ve tried to focus on broader age range experiences which she’s got from the charity shop.

she was even invited to the Christmas party held at Pizza Hut recently. It wasn’t much but she’s only 14 and she really enjoyed it.

get them busy doing something outside of school.