DS opportunity to go to nice independent sch but didn't like it

[indevirg]

Background- DS been miserable since starting state senior - perfectly good sch, but seems like not right environment for him. Found it hard to make friends & deal with general boisterousness of a huge state school.
We are incredibly lucky that an alternative small independent option has been made available to us.
However after a taster day he says it was no different to where he is & doesn't really want to go, but is torn because it 'might get better'
What would you do?
Encourage him to be brave and take the leap?
If it's not that different why would we bust a gut to pay the fees - tbh day to day life & finances would be much easier if he stayed at current state school..
He's not confident & was intimated by the groups of kids already knowing each other at new school today but at current sch he has not made any friends- maybe he just won't wherever he is, but we can't help but think the smaller independent environment would suit him better in any scenario..
who's decision should this ultimately be if he can't make his mind up? He's a young 12.

At age 12, I’d take his feelings into account BUT I’d definitely make the decision for him and tell him what was going to happen and why. He’s simply too young to weigh up the pros and cons of independent school. He probably hasn’t compared timetables, sports facilities, class sizes, exam support etc etc. He lives in the now, as he should, he’s only twelve!

My DD went to independent from state and settled in fast as everyone there so friendly and the school ethos and atmosphere just suited my kid, BUT my sister’s DD made a similar move elsewhere in UK and has had a tough time, that school is unfriendly and she is prickly/hostile, after a year my niece still has no friends at her new school.

I’d unpack exactly what happened at the taster day. Was he given a buddy to show him round? What happened at breaktimes, did the buddy introduce him or ditch him? Who did he chat to? Explore with the school how they settle in new pupils and what can be done to help him integrate into the group.

Do also consider the possibility that maybe your DS was feeling nervous/defensive and that this made him behave in a way that was perceived as unfriendly by other children. Also, he may have had high expectations of “I’ll fit in here!” and been disappointed. Who hasn’t felt that way, eh…

Without knowing the two schools and your DS we can’t tell you what to do. But don’t give up in the idea juet because your child is nervous. Given a familiar situation or a new opportunity, most children will pick the familiar situation. Try to learn more from
the school and from him before making a decision.

Could you tell him to try it out for a year then decide?

Thx- good advice. What do you mean try it for a year tho? He wouldn't be able to go back to the state school as it's massively oversubscribed anyway. Or do you mean just tell him that?!

How small is small (no. per yeargroup)? At a very small school there is the chance you don’t have any people who are similar.

Other than that, he’s not happy so he may as well move.

I moved my DS into year 5 at an independent (and his brother at the same time into year 4).
He struggled to settle and up until 6th form he would prob say he wished we'd left him where he was as he did have a (v small) group of friends (some of whom were not very nice to him)...
However he recognises the value the smaller setting gave him and the considerable extra curricular opps that he has had.
He did have some friends by the end but he has not stayed in touch with many.
He's gone to uni and not made friends.
Some kids just find it hard

But he's happy, has a GF (at a different uni) and is an amazing young man. But some kids are just different and never really fit in. He's an old soul and always has been. Hates high jinxs, boisterousness, rule breaking etc.
There was all that at his indie but less so and more easily escapable than at state (music rooms, art room, clubs every break and lunch etc etc).
I think you need to decide for him.
And then be vv positive about it.

His brother btw is the life and soul of any class he is in and vv popular....

My shy geeky introvert was much happier in a big comprehensive than in the small cosy primary. Bigger friendship pool once he actually started to talk to people. Worth thinking about....

Which school is the independent?

my son isn’t happy in his small independent senior school - crazy …. We are trying to jump ship. Suppose senior schools are a different set up!

Whats your gut view? Mamas know best 🥰

Are there no other options? I initially had the impression you might have been offered a bursary at a specific school - but if you’re going to be paying, could you not look at some other schools - state and independent?

Why is he miserable at his current school? It's still comparatively early days in terms of finding your feet and making friends (my DS wasn't really settled until after Easter or even later). If you can put your finger on it, it might be something that can be addressed. otherwise your DC is possibly right - the same problems will just follow him.

I agree that a bigger school can be better for making friends.

He's y8 so had plenty of time to settle..& he has settled but as the loner who spends lunch times in the toilets/ on a step :(
I think his social problems might follow him but the smaller more nurturing inde are better equipped to help him - in the state sch he's not got any 'serious mental health issues' that warrants the school to really step in- as far as they're concerned he's 'ok'. He gets decent grades & is no trouble. But we've told him it's up to him to decide & now thinking that was a mistake as he can't make a decision.

Are there no other options? I initially had the impression you might have been offered a bursary at a specific school - but if you’re going to be paying, could you not look at some other schools - state and independent?

this!

I would contact the admissions officer at the Indy and ask if he can do a couple more days. Explain how he’s feeling. If they have a space they will be keen to fill it, so they should be happy to let him have another go.

Been through that process- this was the one we felt most right for him & they had a place which felt like a gift. So disappointed he didn't like it! States here are all over subscribed & would be same size which we feel is one of the main factors..

I had this at secondary. Took 10 months found friendship that has been lifelong.
more people means more options. Would at least complete year8 see how it goes , then if no happier start new place for year 9 options.
meanwhile get him in out of school clubs to work on friendships
Feel sorry for him, it is horrible to be obviously alone and kids can be unkind

I think you need to decide for him. Whichever decision he makes, if he continues to struggle socially he'll feel it's all his fault.

I think being 50/50 is actually not bad going given we tend to cling to what we know. Starting a new school in KS3 is a huge leap. How do the negatives stack up - is there more homework on a tighter schedule for example, less free time? If there aren't significant negatives like that, arguably he doesn't have much to lose by rolling the dice. The financial side might complicate that though, whether it's you paying or grandparents etc. I agree with PP that more music and extra curricular opportunities might give him much more of a leg up on finding his tribe or finding something more positive to do at break and lunch. You want him doing things that build his self esteem or at least keep him busy. Hiding in the loos in Y8 I would worry about, it will be making him feel awful about himself and be a constant reminder making him feel inadequate.