At my wits’ end with DS15 and his lack of studying/ revising

[TheGander]

So as not to drip feed, DS2 is in year 11. He was always very able and got into SWLondon grammar school with no professional tutoring . In year 9 he collided with lockdown, online learning etc just as hormones kicked in. His screen use went up and his concentration and attention to studies went right down. Now he’s in year 11 and every week brings several emails from the school re detention, missed homework, remedial revision classes etc ( they have mock GCSEs in 3 weeks). It is stressing me out and I have lost my temper and shouted- I can’t understand why he is sabotaging himself. I find it embarrassing to keep getting these emails. DS is defiant, saying he doesn’t know what th e teachers are talking about etc.
How can I best manage this so he gets on something like a half decent revision and study schedule? Any advice would be most welcome.

I'm in exactly the same position. I just keep nagging and threatening to remove his gym membership. He is bright but lazy esp with 'boring' subjects. Watching with interest. He's doing HW right now.🙂

Yes mine did a bit of homework then went to lie down and fell asleep before supper. I’m realising that losing my rag and criticising doesn’t work ( he yelled at his brother that he hates me) but not entirely sure how to proceed, I think checking in regularly
and not tackling everything in one go is what I’ll try for the next few days.

I feel that this year group has been more affected than people realised. They missed out specific years. It's hard to know what affect that has until things become apparent. The year below have had language requirements removed at many schools on the basis that they missed year 7&8 intro to languages but not much has been done for current year 11s. The lack of structure during those two years has had a profound affect I feel. Every year group suffered in unique ways.

What do school say? It’s a really tricky one.
Maybe take him out to a neutral location like a cafe and have a heart to heart.
Give him a chance to talk calmly about what is going on.
You cannot make them study at this age. But a bit of carrot and stick can sometimes help

Is there someone at his school e.g. his form tutor you could talk to? I do think you have to not take the situation personally- the school aren't doing this to embarrass you or him.

I think it would help to get a realistic picture of the situation, and then consider a viable plan.

Can you offer rewards e.g. for a week with no detention? I know that might seem like you're rewarding him for the bare minimum, but it might help him get into a routine with his studies etc?

I do think a lot of teenage boys are like this- even next summer seems far off to him, and I'm sure he believes he will start working at some point. It's probably very hard for him to realise he needs to start working now!

Talking to the school is important though, because I do think it's different if this is a sort of "he could get 8s, but will get 6s instead" situation or "He could get 6s, but instead is getting 3s/4s".

Have you talked about next steps? Having a goal in mind might help motivate him?

I agree, you coukd do with finding out what grades he is looking at and maybe chat to him about what that would mean. Grades too low fir sixth form might mean he can't do A levels. What is his plan post 16?

Otoh you really cannot make him work. You can supply all he needs (stationery, revision guides, snacks!) but the effort has to come from him. If he does worse than he expects it might be a wake up call.

Sometimes you just have to accept it. Ds2 got a 6 in his Spanish. He did no work even tho I offered to help (MFL is my subject) so I couldn't make him. I imagine he could have made that a 7 fir sure, except it didn’t matter to him the way maths did. But you know, it makes no difference at all now.

I mean of course if he does worse than he expects in his mocks obvs

Thanks everyone. We had parents’ evening a few weeks ago, and it was “ he could get an 8 if he starts to work now, but if not it might be a 6. “ I also suspect in some subject he’s not interested in like RE or business studies he could bomb out altogether. I must admit I have been finding it embarrassing, maybe because my parents, grandparents etc were all teachers and no one I can think of apart from some cousins whom the family still talks about in appalled tones, ever failed to take exams seriously!
I have asked for a meeting with the school. I’ve kept it light with DS today ( after huge row yesterday and unplugging of internet) and plan to take a “ little and often approach” touching base every day and going over outstanding homework daily so at least that is done.

@Postapocalypticcowgirl a big carrot might be an idea, some reward if he does regular homework and revision / gets good grades. Not sure which is better approach the revising or the results?

I feel your pain. With my DS - who also isn’t doing much and is also basically smart - I’ve taken the philosophical approach that if he doesn’t revise the mocks will show him where his gaps are and what he most needs to work on and he seems on board with that.

I think it’s a long time to keep up the pressure - another six months to go - so if you reframe this more as the starting point then he can pace himself. Here, mocks have already started and I think he’s found it more stressful than he expected to do them with not much revision, but also not as very difficult as he was expecting. I’m hoping he’ll get his head down after Christmas, really.
As he points out, GCSEs are followed by A levels - there’s no foreseeable let up in sight.

There are few things you could do, depending on what you feel would work

• check he actually knows how to revise / make a revision plan. If he's bright he might have been winging it all this time and now be panicking as he doesn't know how to approach revision
• offer to do some revision with him
• short term reward for doing revision, whether exchanging it for gaming, a treat or cold hard cash
• longer term incentive for results (not so keen on this)
• definitely sitting down together and looking at options post y11. What does he want to do - what grades will he need, and plans B & C. (Maybe even if he gets straight 8s he won't want to do A levels anyway and instead do a BTEC.)

Those all sound sensible, @TeenDivided
In our case, I'm helping with the subject he's worst at – and has least interest in – in the hope that he'll take away some ideas about how to approach the subjects that matter more to him.

I'd back off if I were you. It's still a long way to the summer and proper exams. We never did the reward thing, but looking at what he needs for next steps is a good idea. Tell him you're not going to nag - if deep down he's in denial or stressed/ self sabotaging he might start talking to you. Then just see how the mocks go. He'll probably do badly, but that's half the point of mocks. Then he'll either realise he needs to step it up or he won't, but at least you have something a bit more concrete to go on.

I'd wait and see how he does in mocks - a good crash and burn can work wonders, and at this stage if he's bright, a great deal can be caught up. Other than that it's impossible to make them work if they don't want to, and I agree that you can't underestimate the impact of COVID and lockdowns.

Thanks everyone for the suggestions . I have asked for a meeting at the school so I understand all the issues, and I hope to get some guidance from them. Yesterday went better, I managed not to lose it and he did some homework ( before falling asleep before dinner, having gamed on his phone at 1am the previous night) and discussed history with DS19 who did it at A level. Still a long way to go and I think the mocks will be a big wake up call.

I can see both sides, I always got an A for regulars but a D or worse for effort. Just couldn't be bothered and knew I could do the work / exam as required.

I’m a teacher and I often find that in situations like this the students are feeling insecure. They are so frightened of failure that they don’t even try. There is no magic bullet, but if there is a chance that this is the reason, then maybe the teachers could work with him to boost his confidence (praise, small targets etc). Of course, it could just be the age, because boys of this age have poor impulse control. The book Of Boys and Men explains this well.

If the issue is screen time, I’d be removing the screens and making him earn them back by following a study routine you’re happy with. I’ve always been of the view that as long as DC are at school they need to work hard, and enforced that rule. I’d be particularly annoyed at the not doing homework and getting detentions.

I’d make clear to him that he needs to spend basically all of the next 3 weeks leading up to his mocks revising and studying hard and you will then look at reintroducing some screen time and privileges if he can keep his study routine going.

I totally agree with the sentiments but doing that will engender huge pushback .It is a running sore though and is affecting my self esteem as a parent. Invariably when I have disconnected the internet, removed devices etc it has caused total meltdown and retaliatory behaviour such as not studying at all, coming into our room at night to argue just when we are trying to sleep ( we both work so need sleep) etc, DH will cave and we end up having a row. I am trying to have an ongoing but not over bearing presence, ensuring he is doing homework and attending revision classes, praising him for persevering, liaising with the school etc and hoping this gradually
builds a better attitude.

@TheGander our ds (now year 12) was similar. He also has other issues - ADHD and slow processing - which didn't help, but he's perfectly capable and was at a grammar school. In the end I decided to offer an incentive for revising - I paid him by the hour! (£3 an hour but it added up!) He hates writing so he pretty much solely used Seneca, which had the added bonus that I could add myself to his account as the parent and check how much he'd done.

I think Seneca was also good as it gave him structure (he worked through the topics one at a time) and some feedback (end of topic quizzes). He started in Feb/Mar (I can't remember exactly when), doing one subject at a time and finished the last subject at the start of exam leave. I was a bit worried he'd forget the subjects he'd revised first, but he just needed a quick refresher before the exams.

I didn't restrict gaming or anything else and he did the above in short bursts, sometimes 20 minutes on the bus, 20 minutes in his lunchbreak etc, without it really impacting his social life or activities at all. He did much better than predicted in year 10 and his teachers were really pleased.

Thanks for that crazycrofter, it’s good to hear you and your DS managed to turn it around. I’ve just had a look at Seneca, it looks like a good resource. I will tackle this at the weekend and suggest we both sign on, I actually don’t know if he already has an account. I feel I’ve been asleep at the wheel a bit! Meeting with the school tomorrow to see if there’s anything further I could be doing. Managed to keep my rag today despite him not going to revision class as I was expecting him to.

@TheGander please don’t feel you’ve been asleep at any wheel. If anyone has, it’s your son by the sounds of it. He needs to take ownership of this. It’s not up to you to make him revise for his GCSEs. You can facilitate revision in whatever way necessary, as mentioned, and I am sure you do. You can chat to him about what it all means for his future, if that will motivate him. But ultimately the push has to come from him. This is kindly meant I promise, as I feel your frustration. If his mocks teach him that he needs to work to achieve, and he learns how to do that (which you and his school can help with) then that is a good result.

As others have said, if he he does worse than expected in his mocks, it may act as a wake up call. Does he know what grades he needs in order to be allowed to take his preferred A levels?
I would be concerned about him gaming until 1.00 am though. Is he getting enough sleep? Teenagers need more sleep than is often recognized.

You do know issues like the ones the OP describes aren't new, right? They happened before covid too. It's not the reason for every bad choice the next generation of children make, much as some people like to reach to make it so.

OP all you can do is control screen time and talk to him about what his plans are for after gcse - and what he needs to move on to the next stage. Are you doing 6th form visits with him at the moment? Does he seem engaged with them? Overwhelmed?

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I met with his form tutor today for a bit of a plan and to make the school feel we are taking all their concerns seriously, although we are not always clear on their processes eg tutor report, us needing to sign the lesson planner daily ( both news to us) . I also pointed out to them that DS is painfully self conscious and feels only the negative is being emphasised at the moment. It is only some subjects ( which require coursework) that he is struggling with. Not to excuse his lack of diligence, but so that parents and teachers can see things a little form his perspective. I’m going to do “little and often” with him and make a point of also noticing the stuff he’s doing well. Wish me luck!
@Untitledsquatboulder we did do the sixth form tour this week, hard to read him but I think he might be a bit overwhelmed. Controlling screen time is hard and can only be done with his consent, I’ve tried removing devices and it’s hell.
@Yellowdahlia12 I’m trying to address the sleep thing and always get him off a game on his laptop by 10pm but he does keep his phone with him.
@clary thank you for your kind words.