What do you do with someone who just won't help themselves?

[CornishGem1975]

I have a Year 11. My DS has no motivation to do well at all, or even pass. It doesn't matter how many times school call home or how much I talk to him about the future, he just won't engage in a conversation about it. Tells us we're wrong, school are overreacting, I don't understand etc etc and I'm honestly so close to just throwing my hands up and saying, okay fine, do it your way.

He won't revise. He barely does homework. There's no chance he'll pass his exams without revising but I can't physically force him. All the support is in place - revision guides, online revision access, we've offered help and tutors. School have put on intervention sessions but he says he won't go.

I'm seriously at a loss. And I'm so frustrated. I just don't have the energy to keep having the same conversation when I get met with aggression or complete shut down all the time.

Does he have any plans for next year ?

Not really. Interested in a course but only because I've kind of pointed him in that direction. He won't get onto it at this rate.

My mum tried everything with my brother (who could have got straight As if he had tried), ultimately offered payment for each grade A or B. She didn’t have to pay a penny as he only scraped a few Cs & failed some GCSEs.

He deeply regrets it now, and even apparently blames my mum for not pushing him (conveniently forgetting his own laziness & the bribes).

Sorry OP, I think you’re on a hiding to nothing.

Pay for a proper career adviser meeting

find a (man preferably) who can mentor him in something and inspire him

look at his mental health boys are good at disguising mental health and depression as apathy rather than teenager laziness / rebellion

look at his diet etc

family meeting compromise - tutoring just do it and then make him log on etc

I feel your pain but mine is motivated!

Conversations alone are pretty pointless. My DS is in year 11 but was very disaffected last year. School handed out punishment, he couldn't care less.

Until I took away his computer for three hours every time he got a demerit. That got the message through much better than words how important this was to me and needed to be to him.

Might need to start that up again this year, actually...

Maybe over half term try to have a serious chat about what life after GCSEs will look like.
He goes to college, you continue 'supporting' him with free baord and lodging, an allowance, internet access, whatever.
Or he doesn't go to college and ...?
If he isn't in college / apprenticeship / job then what will his life look like? Will you still pay for phone / clothes / give lifts / let him access internet freely / .... he needs to know.

Is it possible he is overwhelmed and needs help / bribes to plan revision and do work?

If he worked what sort of grades would he get?
If 7-9s then maybe standard lessons in school will be enough for 4s&5s.
But if it would be 4s&5s with work obviously that is more worrying.
Make sure some college applications go in for BTECs as even if he drops from a level 3 to a level 2 we will have the place, whereas if he only applies for A level places you could be scrabbling around on results day.
It is a pain re-sitting maths & English language at college.

When are mocks?

I would come down hard on him. No phone or screens or money or fun things until he knuckles down.

He needs to know that if he fucks it up he isn't going to just lounge around on your money all day, every day. Start showing him that by putting in consequences every single time the school ring home.

TBH I think you need to look a bit deeper. He's not daft. He knows it's harder to progress without at least some exam results.
I would back off on the revision aspect for now and try and get to the root of why he doesn't care. As a PP mentioned, teenagers are great at hiding their true feelings behind rebellion.
If it really is just laziness then I would be inclined to leave him to it for now, excruciating though it is. Year 11s tend to do loads of revision in school now as opposed to just being left to get on with it so there might not be a need to panic just yet.

One of mine was lacklustre in terms of effort at As, then got a very basic instead of uni. It took a year and a half for her to realise that this was now her future life, and then, boy, was she interested in learning! Took one course after another and now has really quite a well paying job in her mid twenties. Don't despair, he is young yet.

I agree with previous poster re:mental health. Boys and men are very good at disguising any issues as such, so I would definitely look into this.
It might mean some counselling sessions or alternative help, but you'd rather now than later.