Anyone having second thoughts on applying for the super selective 11+ independent girls schools?

[Roopachoo]

Are things changing at these schools? At all the open days we are always met by a newly enhanced wellbeing/pastoral team.

Whilst great to see, I wonder how effective they can be with dealing with issues that by their very nature, are extremely hard to detect. And when a school is driven to maintain ridiculously high grades - will mental health always be sacrificed?

We are in north London so particularly interested to hear how things are at NLCS and Habs Girls (amongst others). I asked a few sixth-formers (at open days over the last few weeks) how they felt: some were surprisingly candid, and one answered ‘we have become very good at hiding things’. :-(

DD has a music place at Dame Alice Owen’s (if we name it first), but she wants to sit the others. The very early offer is confusing me (I would love to stop ghastly 11+ right now), but also I don’t want an early offer to throw us off our original plan! But my worries about the pressure-cooker environment are making me wonder if the early Owen’s offer is a great get-out-jail card.

I don’t think it’s inevitable, but I also think it’s not entirely under the school’s control.

If there are families who ask their dds to report every test result ASAP, to find out if they were top or near the top and to work harder if not, then all the school’s attempts at not ranking pupils, not sharing test results, usually marking with comments not numbers etc are being worked against. I think it’s largely luck as to whether your dd ends up being friends with girls who are being driven like this, in which case it’s hard to avoid picking up some of their anxiety, or whether she ends up with a group of friends whose parents who are relatively hands off and relaxed.

FWIW, my experience of one of these schools is that they are very sensitive to pastoral needs, and very supportive.

Meeeee. But I don't think you can blame the schools. If they weren't there people would also complain. I'm worried about setting my dd up for mh issues as she already puts a lot of pressure on herself.
I am not sure what alternative to look for though because I have been set on academic schools since she was born because I went to one and it served me well.
Now feverishly looking at alternatives and not much is really coming up. My dd needs some pressure as she goes the other way with no pressure at all and does not enough work, but too much pressure and she seems to go off and spend all night doing prep to make it 'perfect'

I have no idea how to manage this or choose a school!
Good luck OP

•@Codfishermen in hindsight can you say that the difference in how both your DC are handing the pressure at this school, was apparent in their respective personalities before they went there?•

In hindsight, yes, the differences were already there, I really don't think the choice of school would have made much difference and in fairness dc2 loves her school and one of the few things in her life that she does seem to enjoy is the academic stimulation she gets there.

Having thought a bit more about this, I have many friends with dc at comprehensives who are also unhappy, in therapy, in eating disorder clinics etc. If there's one true bogeyman I'd point the finger at it's social media.

I have two DDs , both Alevels next year, both looking at predicted A, A*, B.
One is in private therapy, other is waiting for tranquillisers from the Doctor. It was never this hard when I was at school, I honestly have no idea how to keep them both sane!
Not a selective girl’s school, just saying that I am not sure that it matters where these girls go, the pressure is intense and unrelenting.

I'd also add you can send your dc to a less academic school but the pressure will still be on them to be pretty, cool, skinny etc. Some dc are impervious to these pressures, others deal with them very badly indeed. A lot of it is down to the luck of who is in their year and who they become friends with.

@HighRopes may I ask is the pastoral care that you’ve found supportive and doesn’t grade work, at the one that isn’t attached to a boys’ school?

@PortiasBiscuit I’m really sorry to hear this.
I’m inclined to agree with @Codfishermen, the pressure is unrelenting and social media just intensifies everything.

I was talking about SPGS. But obviously different girls, different parents, different friendship groups, different experiences. This is just my experience.

I completely agree with @bjmin & a few others on here: you know your child best, and by visiting the schools you should be able to assess where they might be happy / thrive. If anyone's going for a super-selective just because of league tables, but they don't think it's temperamentally or culturally a good fit, that's clearly unwise and is likely to lead to your child being unhappy. We've been to see about 6 "super-selective" schools and it was really clear straight away that two wouldn't suit DD for different reasons. And yet two clearly would. She won't even apply to the two she didn't love: choosing a school is about so much more than league tables and perceived reputation.
A few years ago, someone did a brilliant post on one of these threads and her top advice was "Know Your Child". It's the next seven years of their lives - not ours - that we're talking about, and choosing a school just because it's perceived to be one of the "top" schools is a path that's only going to end in tears (most likely DC's). There's far too much focus (particularly in the London selective day schools world) about whether a school is number 1 or number 50 in the rankings - they're all great schools, and our DCs will thrive where they're happy. And that may be a great local state school with their friends, 10 mins from home, with a proper community around them. Just do whatever you think is best for them.