Prep Dramas

[Sata]

My son is in year 8. He generally gets home from school at about 6 pm because of a 40-minute bus journey and sport/clubs after school.
Prep is reasonable and not too onerous and if my son would get onto it without too much resistance it would probably take about an hour to complete. Instead, he works himself into a bit of a state each evening. I generally check his homework on Teams in advance so I can help him if necessary. I have found that in the past if I just leave him to do his homework with no input from me it is completed in a haphazard manner with minimal effort. The result is often untidy, poorly understood and not much learning or revision happens.
I am at my wit's end. I find it very difficult to accept his truculent, angry attitude and I accept that he is probably fed up with me attempting to assist him. When I have suggested to him that he does his homework independently he has a meltdown and says (of some homework tasks) he cannot do it.
I feel dreadful because I end up getting angry with him and it ends in anger and recrimination. It has developed into a stressful, vicious circle.
My son is not a top-set student but is creative, sensitive, and reasonably able. I don't think I put unreasonable academic expectations on him. I want to do what is manageable and best for him and I am not doing that. Any help would be welcome.

To be fair, if someone asked me to do an hour of work at 6pm when I had been out at work since 8am (probably earlier for your son) I would struggle.

I guess your options are:

• Leave him to do poor quality work and face the consequences
• Try to make the routine work for him. Does he eat first for example? Can he do any at lunch or on the bus?
• Cut down on clubs which neither of you want to do

I would try the first 2, possibly with warnings of 3. Is this new this year? Was last year tricky too?

Thanks. Yes, he eats and relaxes for a bit before starting prep.
He loves clubs- drama and Design and Make. I would not want him to give either up. Sport after school is compulsory.

OP I could have written your post! My daughter is also in Year 8 and I've been having the exact same homework battles. She also comes home quite late because she goes horse riding every fay after school (not something she would ever want to give up) and likes to "chill" when she gets home. 😬 No advice but huge sympathy!

That does sound like a really long day so I don't blame him for not wanting to do an hour of work every night.

I'd let him get on with it, if it's rushed etc it's up to his teachers to talk to him about it. If he asks for help that's fine but I wouldn't get into a row about the quality of it. I've been through it with my own DS and it's far better to keep a good relationship with them rather than getting cross - it won't make any difference to the work he does anyway.

Is he in a situation where he needs to do well in say a Common Entrance exam next year? Or is he already at a state senior school with the option (in his eyes) to coast until GCSEs?

If the first, are you worried he won’t get into his chosen school? If the second - I’d take a step back and see what happens, assuming it won’t have any immediate implications.

I'd consider if it is really the 'right' school.
40min bus journey (any walk to add to that?)
Compulsory sport getting in the way of homework.

Omg OP I could have written your post! I am having the same homework battles with my son, if I don’t check he will do the minim effort. He is not self driven at all. By the time he his at home and water its 6pm. School has homework club at 4-5pm which he is enrolled into but he seems to not do any there. The homework battles are stressful and I hate how they always end up in arguments. I am following this post for any advice to help us out of this rut. He is a bright boy but lacks self motivation. A frustrating combination.

My Y8 (last year of prep) is the same. He doesn't seem self-motivated to do anything. He does well at the things he does (school work, his sport) but he has to be led through it all by the hand and can be really grumpy about it. It drives me nuts.

I think you are expecting a bit too much of your DC here. They are still children at this age, and it must be the very rare child who would rather do homework than other things at that time of evening. It sounds like a very long, arduous day, I would probably be having a word with school and reminding them that they need a childhood as much as an education.

My daughter is the same age and has probably 45-60 minutes homework per day but at a state school. I think the trouble is your DS has too much on during his school day and is having to start his homework too late. My DD finishes at 3, except for one day when she has a club until 4.15. She has a short walk and bus so is home most days about 3.40. She does her homework straight away. She then has clubs 2-3 nights a week in the evening but her homework is already done before she goes.

Can your DS do some on the bus? Is it all due in the next day or can he save some to do at the weekends?

Thank you all for the comments. I haven't found it easy to talk to friends about regular meltdowns over prep and the stress is not lessened by not discussing it. I have mentioned it to the year group leader who suggested she have a word with my son to see what he thinks we could do to help him.
I feel marginally better knowing that I am not alone with the ongoing meltdowns. I do know that when I am more relaxed about what needs to be done my son is happier and I certainly value my relationship with him. Like all parents I value education and the need to balance this with appreciating the stresses and strains of a young boy is (for me) quite a balancing act.

What happens if he doesn't do the work or hands in crap? Will school punish him? If so, maybe experiment with letting school crack that whip!

He doesn't have time to be doing that much prep. I can't understand how the school expect that if he is having that long a day.
Are there boarders at his school and if so, when do they fit it in? Presumably at 5pm when your son is on the bus? So maybe he has to weekly board?
To be fair I've never got involved in homework once my dc have got to high school. My oldest didn't start doing any until year 11. My second is now in year 9 and I never see him do any either ! They need to self manage by now or never learn to imo.
If grades drop then it's a discussion about how to manage prep around other commitments.

I'm a secondary teacher and that seems a big expectation for year 8 (I am at a state school though) when he is getting home so late.

Once Mine went up to secondary school I left them to it. If they got into bother at school that was on them.

How many of his fellow students are travelling nearly 1.5 hours to get to school and back each day.

It's a very very long day for a boy of his age.

In Year 8 he can manage his own homework.
So let him decide how and when he does it - and if it's on the bus and half hearted so be it.
Leave the school to follow up on poorly done homework.

Ultimately, there gets to a point, and I'd argue that Year 8 is very much that point for children that don't have specific learning challenges, that you leave your child to find their own way. If nothing else it will improve the relationship between the two of you :)

How long has he done this journey? Maybe you need to think about whether this is the right school for him. He might enjoy some of the out of school clubs, but getting home at 6 every day, is more than just going to a single after school club!

Is there any way for him to do prep at school before coming home? My dd likes to do prep club before coming home, that way she gets to get the work out of the way with her friends and with the staff on hand to help. They run prep club later than the sports so even if she just gets half done it means we can be more relaxed in the evening. She is also better at getting up in the morning and getting some done than piling into it in the evening when she's tired.

DD wasn't emotionally mature enough in year 8 to understand the consequences of not doing homework, so needed a lot of encouragement. In fact she needed a lot of encouragement up to GCSEs, which she did well in, then smashed her A levels and degree (without any input from me)

So I don't subscribe to the school of thought that all year 8s will just get on with it if left to their own devices.

It does sound like a very long day. Is it a private school? Compulsory after school sport and "prep" instead of homework makes me think it is. Maybe leave him to it for a while and let him see the consequences at this stage.

Thanks again for the feedback. He is at a private school. Leaving it to him is not a realistic option except maybe for art or prep which involves some tech. He has improved slightly since year 7 and I am hopeful that as he matures he will become more organised and self-disciplined. I am mindful of not supervising him to such an extent that he is reliant on me.
The travel time and the long day are definitely factors however he is not alone in having a long journey to and fro. It is something that I make allowance for and prep that is not due the next day is generally started well in advance over the weekend.
Even when he was at a primary school fairly close to where we live completing homework was a massive chore. Whilst agreeing the day is long and demanding the major problem is more to do with organisation and motivation.

Does he have a secondary school place lined up for YR9 or will he have to take any exams? Maybe that could motivate him a bit if it's the case?