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Secondary education

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Original poster

Does he have to toughen up?

15 replies

BackAche21 · 20/09/2022 20:39

My son has just started secondary school. It seems like the atmosphere is quite hardball, unlike my daughter's secondary. The boys are all jostling for position and my son is getting intimidated by both teachers and other boys. He is smart and funny but also not fighty at all. Hates being in trouble with teachers so follows the rules religiously. Not that good at taking a joke against himself so easily gets teary as a defence when there's banter that has that competitive or nasty edge. I think he is going to need to toughen up a bit so he doesn't get picked on, but I don't really know what to advise him, as to be honest I hate all that buffed up masculinity - I think it's ridiculous.

OP posts:
Petronus · 20/09/2022 20:42

Sounds like the wrong school for him. I hate that toxic masculinity bullshit. I work at an all boys school and that is not the culture at all. My son also manages to be non sporty and creative and have niche interests at his mainstream comp and gets bullied by no-one. What you describe is all kinds of wrong.

Feetache · 20/09/2022 22:08

Nothing like that at our large city state school

MorbidMuch · 20/09/2022 22:16

Blimey, that sounds like a horrible atmosphere. Is there another school you can send him to? Would he like to move?

Dacadactyl · 20/09/2022 22:18

Hard to advise really. If you think he can't take a joke against himself and gets defensive easily, then he does need help to learn to take a joke. It's a life skill and being too over sensitive isn't going to help him. However, you don't want him taking severe piss taking from "friends" with a nasty edge either. Does he know how to recognise the difference do you thjnk?

imayhavelostmymarbles · 20/09/2022 22:19

My DS went through the same beginning of yr 7. I had a chat with the school and they said it happens every time because you have a group of kids (read boys) from different feeder schools and area's blending and working out the pecking order. Which I understand -we might not like it but it happens.
It's a very good school and it all settled down after Christmas.

imayhavelostmymarbles · 20/09/2022 22:19

My DS went through the same beginning of yr 7. I had a chat with the school and they said it happens every time because you have a group of kids (read boys) from different feeder schools and area's blending and working out the pecking order. Which I understand -we might not like it but it happens.
It's a very good school and it all settled down after Christmas.

imayhavelostmymarbles · 20/09/2022 22:20

And we had to work on DS being able to take a joke on himself- he was fine at dishing it out!

Fairislefandango · 20/09/2022 22:20

In what way has he been intimidated by teachers? That sounds worrying.

imayhavelostmymarbles · 20/09/2022 22:20

And we had to work on DS being able to take a joke on himself- he was fine at dishing it out!

MarigoldPetals · 20/09/2022 22:22

No he sounds like he is a lovely sensitive boy who will make a great husband me day.
He just needs to find some friends similar to himself. Tell him to look out for the quiet, kind kids. He can join clubs like badminton, war hammer, coding, drama, choir etc and might find his tribe.

MarigoldPetals · 20/09/2022 22:23

some day!

UWhatNow · 20/09/2022 22:28

My DS fell victim to this in year 8 - he says if he go back (he is 22 now) he’d have told his year 8 self to stop being so sensitive and to laugh off the banter and piss taking. He reacted and got angry and that made it so much worse. The lads who could laugh it off were considered far more cool and faired better in the friendship group.

He joined a rugby club which was all about teaching lads to act as a team - sometimes playing in dressing up costumes and laughing at each other. That helped because he learned it was not personal, just a puerile form of male bonding. He did so much better after that.

Original poster
BackAche21 · 21/09/2022 07:48

Thank you that is all really helpful. I don't think the school condones it, in fact I chose this school as I think it embraces all kinds of kids. So I think it is the pecking order stuff among the boys. The bit from teachers was definitely not concerning from a parent's perspective, just a bit of banter. My son comes across as confident so teachers might see him as someone who can take it all well, but he does feel it all very personally and then collapses. I feel quite optimistic that it will settle down.

OP posts:
andyetanotherschoolyear · 22/09/2022 09:21

Yes, male banter and bonding are very different to females way of interacting, isn't it? Definitely shouldn't take any crap but to take a joke is, as someone said, an important life skill.

Most new 'groupings' go through stages described as the 'Norming, Storming, Forming...' - worth a read.

andyetanotherschoolyear · 22/09/2022 09:22

Sorry should of course say 'forming, storming, norming...'

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