Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Does it matter at secondary if all their friends are in another class?

19 replies

threegoodthings · 12/09/2022 12:50

DD started year 7 last week. She's autistic so possibly I do worry more than I would about her making and maintaining friendships.

Her 3 best friends from primary, who she has been best friends with since foundation, have started at the same school. But they have all ended up in the same house as each other and DD is in a different one. She won't be in any classes with them.

So far each break and lunchtime she has been racing off from her class alone to find them, totally understandable and she's happy but obviously isn't spending any time getting to know the girls in her own class. I worry that the friendships will be forming, and if her primary friends were to start drifting apart from her, it would be more difficult for her to make friends in her class where the pairs and groups have alteady established.

I've talked to her about trying to make friends in her own class, to see if there's anybody she could take along to have lunch with her and her friends for example, but she's adamant that she doesn't want new friends. There are a couple of new names being mentioned and I worry that she's missing the opportunity to get to know them better.

Am I overthinking it? I know it's still early days. If her primary group does stay solid and she's happy, does it matter if she doesn't make any real friends in her own class?

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 12/09/2022 12:52

Not at all, it's only for registration ime.

Original poster
threegoodthings · 12/09/2022 12:54

No she won't have any lessons with them, whereas theirs will all be together.

OP posts:
Lougle · 12/09/2022 12:56

This first term, they tend to cling to old friendship groups. Over time, they'll get to know other kids. DD3 only has one or two of her friendship group in her teaching classes, and even then the seating plan is boy, girl, boy, girl or alphabetical.

PeekAtYou · 12/09/2022 12:56

No it doesn't but I understand your worry that your dd won't talk to new people because they are potential friends too.

sheepdogdelight · 12/09/2022 12:56

Is it a school where all/the majority of lessons are in your class group? Or is it more mixed up, so she might be with different children for every lesson?

If it's the second, I don't think it matters.

If it's the first, I think she does need to find friends in her own class. It's a bit miserable being on your own outside of breaks/lunchtimes.

Original poster
threegoodthings · 12/09/2022 12:58

Lougle · 12/09/2022 12:56

This first term, they tend to cling to old friendship groups. Over time, they'll get to know other kids. DD3 only has one or two of her friendship group in her teaching classes, and even then the seating plan is boy, girl, boy, girl or alphabetical.

It's a grammar school so an awful lot of the girls will have come up by themselves or possibly with girls they know but aren't that friendly with, so this is why I worry that they will all be establishing friendships. I think it is probably quite unusual for DD's whole friendship group to be there.

OP posts:
Original poster
threegoodthings · 12/09/2022 12:59

sheepdogdelight · 12/09/2022 12:56

Is it a school where all/the majority of lessons are in your class group? Or is it more mixed up, so she might be with different children for every lesson?

If it's the second, I don't think it matters.

If it's the first, I think she does need to find friends in her own class. It's a bit miserable being on your own outside of breaks/lunchtimes.

Every lesson will be in her class group.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 12/09/2022 13:01

My autistic dd faced the exactly same problem last year. It was exacerbated by Covid restrictions which meant that they weren’t allowed to mix at lunch. It was a long year for her. Thankfully this year things are much more relaxed and it is doing much better. (Our year starts earlier) She gets to meet up with her friends at lunch and activities. She is happy at school.

MintJulia · 12/09/2022 13:03

It's fine. She'll make more friends gradually. They all split up for GCSE subjects so it happens every couple of years anyway.

Original poster
threegoodthings · 12/09/2022 13:07

Ponderingwindow · 12/09/2022 13:01

My autistic dd faced the exactly same problem last year. It was exacerbated by Covid restrictions which meant that they weren’t allowed to mix at lunch. It was a long year for her. Thankfully this year things are much more relaxed and it is doing much better. (Our year starts earlier) She gets to meet up with her friends at lunch and activities. She is happy at school.

Thanks for this...so it sounds like she isn't fazed by not having made new friends in her class?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 12/09/2022 13:18

threegoodthings · 12/09/2022 12:54

No she won't have any lessons with them, whereas theirs will all be together.

I usually say its good for kids not to be in the same form as their primary friends but given your dds SEN, I'd contact school and see what csn be done. Seems odd for 3 out of 4 to be out together, yet the " neediest" one is left on their own. The good thing is your dd seems fine with things for now.

Original poster
threegoodthings · 12/09/2022 13:24

RedHelenB · 12/09/2022 13:18

I usually say its good for kids not to be in the same form as their primary friends but given your dds SEN, I'd contact school and see what csn be done. Seems odd for 3 out of 4 to be out together, yet the " neediest" one is left on their own. The good thing is your dd seems fine with things for now.

Show quote history

I know. There is another girl in her class from primary, just somebody she's never particularly been friends with, so I guess the school thought that sufficient. I did want to contact the school when the houses were announced before the summer but DD didn't want me to, she thought it would be embarrassing. So I decided to go with it

OP posts:
BunsyGirl · 12/09/2022 13:30

My DS was one of four that went to grammer from his primary last year. At first he spent all his lunch and break times with them but gradually he started hanging around with boys from his own class. By the time he had his birthday in the summer he didn’t invite any of the old
primary friends to his party and instead chose 12 new friends from his class! Give it some time. I am sure she will make new friends.

MrsAvocet · 12/09/2022 13:31

Under most circumstances I'd say no, it's not at all important and there is a reasonable probability that the other girls won't stay as a group either. By October half term in year 7 all my DC's primary school friendship groups had broken up even when they were in the same form, and I think that's very common. The bigger pool of people at secondary often facilities new friendships being made.
But, I would have expected the school to take a bit more care over your DD's transition given that her needs may be a bit different to average. I would speak to the head if year or pastoral team about your concerns. They might not necessarily move her, as they may feel it is better for her to be mixing with different people but should be able to support her better in making new friends.

Original poster
threegoodthings · 12/09/2022 15:21

Oh I definitely wouldn't want her moved now they've started, I think that would be counter intuitive. I'll see how it goes. I suppose although friendships will be being formed in her class they are likely to chop and change over the year. I'm probably worrying too much!

OP posts:
horrificbiology · 12/09/2022 15:37

It would be a reasonable adjustment to request a change in class to be with her friends so she settles better into school. Our school has done this for our Autistic daughter.

Original poster
threegoodthings · 12/09/2022 15:52

horrificbiology · 12/09/2022 15:37

It would be a reasonable adjustment to request a change in class to be with her friends so she settles better into school. Our school has done this for our Autistic daughter.

I know but like I say she didn't want me to do that even before the summer- there's no way she would want it now! I think she's settling fine, she's happy - I'm just worried about it moving forward really

OP posts:
Precipice · 12/09/2022 16:04

I was in a similar position to your daughter. My friends at primary school were in another class (only in the same Maths and English sets), but we would spend time together at break. At secondary school, I was alone in a class with nobody from my primary, and the girl I had been closest to was in a class with a couple of others from the primary. It could have been similar to the primary set-up, but it wasn't. They'd talk to me when we were getting the bus home and outside of school we met up once or twice, but it became increasingly clear that I was the one making an effort and that for them, I could be there or not. I was friendly with some other girls, including in my class, but I didn't have close friends, and they were better friends with each other than with me. I wouldn't say I was actively unhappy - I was introverted and happy to spend my breaks reading in the library - but I was somewhat lonely and didn't have a natural partner in class group/pair activities.

PassMeThePineapple · 12/09/2022 16:07

One of my dds has good social skills. She was fine not having any friends in her class or even anyone from her old class. Her dad had just died too.
My older dd struggled more with social skills and I think it helped her having familiar faces.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page