DD refusing to attend secondary school

pigcon1 · 07/09/2022 23:22

Poor her, she sounds stressed. I’ve been in a similar situation with one of mine and I contacted their tutor to flag it to them so they can check in. Is there a named person responsible for pastoral care you could contact?

sounds like you’re listening and comforting her, starting secondary is a big step, I understand it normally takes a term to settle in.

🤞a more experienced parent of secondary age children will be along soon too.

Johnnysgirl · 07/09/2022 23:24

Is it the actual school, or just the fact of secondary school itself? It can be a fairly major shock to the system...

PutYourBackIntoit · 07/09/2022 23:30

My advice is get on the phone and see what they can offer her to feel less worried asap. They may suggest a different arrival time/entrance, change of tutor, a TA she likes to meet and greet, quiet room pass etc etc

I didn't realise my dd's tears about school was serious enough until it reached a point of no return, and none of the numerous suggestions the school had would then work, as we couldn't get her into the building. She had 2 years off school and that was not the worst of it sadly.

Original poster

Summeryvibes · 08/09/2022 03:48

Thanks everyone. The only information I have is a copy of her school timetable plan. They meet their form tutor before lunch so I might ask her to speak with her form teacher. It’s been 3 full days so not sure if I should wait for a week or two before sending an email.

OP posts:

MarshaMelrose · 08/09/2022 03:57

She's gone from being a big fish in a small pond to being a little fish in a big pond. It's very unsettling. But she'll find her feet and in a few weeks that corridor won't feel so long and she'll enjoy the chit chat with her friends when walking from class to class. It's early days.

BuffaloCauliflower · 08/09/2022 03:59

It’s a big transition to moving around class to class, and travelling across a big school. I wouldn’t wait at all to speak to the school, contact the office tomorrow and ask to speak to her tutor (for a call back)

honkeytonkwoman38 · 08/09/2022 04:48

I think you need to be mindful that for some children this doesn't settle in time with a friendly chat. It turned out to be panic disorder with my daughter and now she has online school. Perhaps a gp visit too?

XelaM · 08/09/2022 08:48

If it's Latymer pm me as my daughter's very close friend is there in year 8 who is an absolute sweetheart and I'm sure would take your daughter under her wing.

Also in DAO.

KangarooKenny · 08/09/2022 08:50

Don’t baby her. She a big girl going to a grown up school. How exciting to find new friends and have new opportunities.

LIZS · 08/09/2022 08:54

It is a transition but the logistics and sense of disorientation will be the same at any school. Reassure her she is not the only one feeling lost and stressed. She will find her feet and friends in time.

Camdenish · 08/09/2022 09:03

I disagree with the poster who seems to
imply that recognising anxiety is infantilising.

Yes, hopefully your DD will be done with some calm reassurance from you. But if it were me I’d contact the school by email immediately to get the wheels in motion. They may already have a set of plans for such occasions as this. Would it be great if you could know those and they could be acted on?

I can’t help with the school apart from to suggest that it’s no problem to ask to go on waiting lists for other, apply or reapply. I’d do it now as most movement seems to happen in the first few weeks.

I have found these workshops to be invaluable

Child mental health-anxiety-on-line workshops

all the best

justaladyLOL · 08/09/2022 09:09

"Don’t baby her. She a big girl going to a grown up school."

Agreed we all have to do things we do not want to sometimes
Dealing with situations outside the comfort zone is just part of growing up and developing

justaladyLOL · 08/09/2022 09:11

"Perhaps a gp visit too?"
No wonder it is so hard to see a doctor if people take their child to a GP because they do not want to go to school.
It is a parenting issue not a GP issue

Iwanttoslowdown · 08/09/2022 09:17

My DD hater her 1st school so much that we made an agreement that she would give it a go until xyz and change school if it didn’t get better. Actually why’s she was unable to articulate until she had left 1st school was that it wasn’t right for her style of learning. One was formal and academic, and the other was more vocational. I would listen and try to hear what it is. Maybe the travel is causing anxiety and a school closer to home would be better. Maybe it’s the style of teaching or maybe it’s because she needs a routine and will settle in.

At this stage, inform the school, watch, listen and then think through the options with your daughter.

Plumbear2 · 08/09/2022 10:26

I hope things improve for her, it's a very big step. I've always found the pastoral team very helpful when my kids have had problems so please speak to them.

TizerorFizz · 08/09/2022 17:51

Did she have any input into choosing this school ? Did she realise the implications of the choice? Did she go for an induction day? What did she think after that? Did you practice travel arrangements and look at length of day and how that might impact on her quality of life? If you did all of these, can you work out what’s changed and why? I too would contact her form tutor now. They can often find a buddy or a friendly face to check on her.

Long corridors are everywhere. Taking books around classes is normal. This sounds as if she wasn’t prepared. I’m sure she will be fine with guidance. It’s a different experience to the primary years but going to any senior school is a big change. What prep did she have?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/09/2022 17:53

Don’t baby her. She a big girl going to a grown up school. How exciting to find new friends and have new opportunities

Good job l didn’t do this with my daughter who later turned out to have ASD and found the transition to 6th form even worse.

Original poster

Summeryvibes · 08/09/2022 19:28

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all your help and comments. We wanted her to go to the City but she chose grammar. I couldn’t sleep last night so took time off work and traveled with her this morning . She seemed fine and waved. In the afternoon she was quite. She said her form tutor asked about her favourite book and DD talked about her music instruments. DD is still not sure, but I now know what to do next week and have taken a week off work.

OP posts:

Camdenish · 08/09/2022 20:25

Thanks for updating us. I’ve been thinking of your daughter.

It sounds like you’ve made a positive and helpful plan. All the best with it.

Bordesleyhills · 08/09/2022 20:33

Let her take her time- ask the head of Year 7 and see if they can buddy her up. She will be fine- just takes a while for them to settle

Zelda93 · 08/09/2022 20:33

Be careful as I used to be the transition person for secondary from primary and some kids struggled with the huge change and needed a bit of time while others had SEN issues which hadn't been picked up previously at primary school. Give her time and be supportive but also speak to the school so they can also help her. Good luck

Verbena87 · 08/09/2022 20:37

I would definitely also speak to her form tutor (you can phone and ask them to call you back). I’m a secondary form tutor and it’s really easy to miss how students are feeling, but there’s quite a lot we can do to support (things I might do would include contacting all subject teachers so we can share strategies that have worked well to engage or encourage anxious students, speaking to a specific subject teacher if there’s a problem with one subject, setting up an informal buddy system, referring the students for formal mentoring from a sixth former, referring the student to the mental health lead on the pastoral team for support, referring the student to the nurse, referring to safeguarding, and/or dealing with other students who are making the situation worse if that’s going on) and I am always glad to help - tense anxious students don’t learn well, relaxed confident students do. So it really is part of our job.

SammyScrounge · 08/09/2022 21:18

Summeryvibes · 07/09/2022 23:13

DD is a bright child and started grammar school on Monday. She hates everything bus journey with 3 local girls(we are in London). Hates long school corridors and having to switch class rooms after each period. She cried yesterday and this morning and again all evening. I don’t know what to say! I give her cuddles and make sure her bag is ready night before.

I don’t know if I have chosen the correct school for her. I am so worried about her. Please could anyone help me with anything I can do to help DD.

She will be afraid of corridors because she might get lost and be late for her next class. She obviously is feeling overwhelmed by it all. It will pass. It really will.

Beamur · 08/09/2022 21:24

It's a massive change from primary. Reassure her that it will get easier.
Don't panic.
Travelling with her for a day or two might help, but generally if she's travelling with others they will soon find their feet and gain confidence.

TizerorFizz · 08/09/2022 23:36

As she gets friends, they will move around the school together. They just gel as a group and it becomes much easier. I’m sure she will be ok!