DD1 still unhappy at school despite bullies problem now sorted

[smartiejake]

Hi, sorry it's me again. Quick resume for who have not seen my previous posts. dd1 in year 7, lovely, small,independent school she chose to go to, problem with Nasy girl, cyber bullying e.t.c. school sorted it brilliantly.

Bullying not a prob now and I can't fault the school in their handling of the situation. They have called me to see how things are going and are keeping a very close eye on her. They have made it perfectly clear to me that dd is not in the wrong and we have found out that this girl has bullied other girls when in the junior school.There is one other girl (one of Nasty's hench man) who is being very irritating but generally the bullying has stopped. dd has made some new friends from the other form and they stick up for her.

But... she is still saying she doesn't want to stay there and wants to change to the school where some of her old friends went. (Some 2 mins walk away large faceless comp with large classes and ok results)

I really don't want her to go there and think that there are likely to be many more "nasties" there. She also suffers with concentration problems and large classes with potentially disruptive kids in them would do her no good at all.

I don't think it would stick in my throat so much if she hadn't actually chosen this school herself. When choosing a secondary school I actually tried to persuade her that she might be happier with her friends but she insisted on going to her present school.

What if she does move and has the same sort of problems? How long do we leave it before giving up and letting her have her way? How much say would you let an 11 year old have a say in their education?

bump

Personally, none, but I don't know your daughter

Maybe get her to write a list of pros and cons for each school. Also, can you visit the other school during the day to get a feel of the atmosphere?

Some children settle very quickly into secondary (a couple of days or weeks). Of those who take longer I would say many of them are not feeling very settled at this stage in the year.

I think it's very early to be thinking about a possible move, and agree completely with your reasons.

My ds1 is in yr6 and ultimately I have the final say in where he goes, not him, and he certainly isn't going to the faceless comp where I work. But if he were utterly miserable and unhappy after a full year I would look into options for moving him. (Unless there had been a huge trauma or crisis of course.)

Can you talk to her about possible ways she can cement her friendships with these new girls? Trips out shopping/cinema at the weekends? Sleepovers? Meeting up in the holidays? That sort of thing?

If many of the girls came from the junior school there are going to be issues of finding her place in well-established friendship groupings.

I moved schools when I was 13 - into a school where I didn't know anyone. I hated it for the first year but by the second year I loved it because I found a group of friends. Too soon to switch back I'd say. I guess she needs a little gang of friends.

Yes I am thinking she should see the year out but she does keep going on about it. DH is away at the mo and she keeps saying "Daddy said I could move schools at Easter if I really wanted to." (I don't think he has but she does rather play on his emotions.)

I think for her and you all you need some clarity. Presumably you can contact dh and confirm what he has said.

Easter is very early this year - just a few weeks away really. Personally I would be saying to her we will review the situation in July (so stop worrying about it and knuckle down and make the most of it now)

Roisin-We have done all the cementing of friendships things. Lots of the new girls have been round (I am forever feeding other people's kids!)

ABout half of the girls in her year went to the junior school department of her new school (it's a 3-16 school) so there were about 7 or 8 others from different schools.

Margoand jerry- she is now in with a little gang of girls, 2 of whom live within walking distance, but it's a bit too soon to be calling them close friends.

I think she has rather a rose tinted memory of her group of friends from junior school. The two friends she has a good friendship with don't even go to the local school. She is the one who has done all the running to keep in touch with the ones from the local school. She has kept in contact with about 4 of them but that is actually HER who has made the effort. None of them that went to the local comp have even called her and none have invited her back despite being round here for tea since she left junior school.

I would hate for her to transfer to another school and then be let down by these old friends.

AHGGHH! It doesn't get any easier as they get older does it!

you've reminded me smartiejake - my old school friends dropped me like a tonne of bricks when I tried to keep in touch with them. I think you might have to start preparing her for the long term at this school as all the while she's holding on to the option to leave, she might not properly settle down.

Update is that the yr seven cousellor has suggested she moves into the other form group where her friends are. She is apprehensive but is going to try it. Feel this will be the make or break situation but we are not goiung to make any hasty decisions until the end of the summer term and hope that she settles down.

My dd had a rocky patch last term too. She chose to go to a school in the next town even though most of her friends went to one of two schools quite near to us. This means that it's quite hard to meet new friends at the weekend becasue they are quite widely scattered.

We agreed when she went that it was not a completely irrevocable decision, but we would take it a term at a time, and every holiday we would go out for lunch - just her, her dad and me and talk about how she was getting on.

We did this at Christmas, and she said that, even though things were quite hard, she wanted to keep trying. We worked out some strategies for her to work on the friendships she had made, and made a date to have another lunch at Easter. We still talk about things on a daily basis, of course, but knowing about the Easter lunch seems to have helped her relax a bit and things are going better for her.

Even though the bullying has stopped, it will have coloured her view of her current school. Couple that with her rose-tinted view of her old friends and it's easy to see why she wants to move school.

I think you have to emphasise that moving school will not be like going back to her junior school. The comp is much, much bigger. She may be placed in a class where she knows no one and may even be bullied for transferring from an independent school.

You could even try the financial argument, that you have to give a term's notice and, if you have to pay for that term, she might as well see out the school year or all that money is wasted (not an argument that will hold much sway, but still).

DS2 has found Y7 particularly hard. The whole transition period is very difficult anyway and he has gone to a grammar school whilst all his close friends have gone to the local high school. On top of that he has been bullied because he has long hair. He has told me he hates school and has no intention of staying on beyond 16 and has asked to be moved to the high school. We've encouraged him to stick it out and I can see a slight shift in his attitude towards school. Hopefully by the end of the year, he will feel that it is the right school for him.

Year 7 seems to be universally hard - I suppose there's no way round that - it's a huge transition and it's bound to be traumatic. I wonder if there's anything either we or the primary schools could have done to make it easier?

Gosh, I remember almost exactly the same thing (minus the bullying) when I went to senior school. It took me at least a year to settle down and make solid friends. My mum used the 'I've paid, you're going' argument but since she was self-employed it carried more weight with me. So I knuckled down and I started to make a little progress. In hindsight though, I has helped me handle change rather than run away from it, so it's a good learning experience if she can settle.

Sounds like you've made the decision to see how things go for the rest of Year 7, so hopefully,the situation will improve. If your dd is still unhappy and asking to move by then, I would strongly recommend you listen to her. My son moved from a private school at the end of Year 8. It wasnt a bullying situation, but various issues, mainly centred on a) feeling he couldn't be 'himself' b) he is very bright and he found the small classes limiting c) he had some mediocre teaching which made him really angry. We're fortunate, we have an excellent local state school which gets academic results which arent far off those of the independent - in fact probably better in terms of value added, as the independent school was selective. The larger classes are a plus for my ds. The teaching and pastoral care is highly impressive (and it's free!)I seriously would at least look at other options - you say you don't want your dd to go to the other school, but I think if we don't listen to our children, we do so at our own peril. I'm not saying we should automatically do what they want us to, but we should at least listen and take note.If a child is really not happy, they won't learn.