Settling in at secondary

[Drywhitefruitycidergin]

Evening all
Just wondering how long your child/ren took to settle & make friends?
Dd1 has come home tonight (induction day) upset that everyone knows people from their primary schools & she felt lonely.
I've obviously been upbeat since it's only day1, loads of time to get to know people, haven't joined sports clubs yet etc but just wondering how long it took your child.
She had a lovely group of friends at primary & generally got along with almost everybody so I'm not worried apart from her thinking she's useless.
It's a girls school & they seem to spend a lot of time in form groups in yr7 & 8.

It's a bit of a 'how long is a piece of string?' question.
Every child is going to be different.

At my dcs' schools, they deliberately mixed up the forms so people coming from the same Primary tended to be in different forms, or maybe a couple in each form, so everyone was new together and in the same position re making friends. Then they did a fair bit of helping them all get to know each other over the first few weeks.

If it is reassuring, the secondary schools are very familiar with supporting new Yr 7s through those first few days and even weeks and usually have all sorts of systems in place.

How does she get to school ? As all my dc were friendly with the people who walked home the same way. I was reflecting with some friends I went to school with back in the day, and we were commenting that people were friends with people they travelled to and from school with, in the main. Be that bus or train (was a grammar so took people from all over).

Don't over think it. Tell her loads start knowing no one etc

It depends what you mean. Feel generally comfortable and happy to chat to a variety of people, but more acquaintances than friends? A day or two. Really find their tribe and make friends they want to see out of school? A year (longer in my older son's case, but that was Covid-affected). Mine didn't

Sorry, clicked too soon! Mine didn't know anyone from before either, but those pre-existing friendships don't necessarily last anyway.

Could take anything between three weeks and three years! I haveuch older children. All have been fine in the end.

Just focus on helping her deal with her reality now. She's nervous and doesn't know anyone. This is very normal, be very supportive and tell her the school has loads of children in the same boat, it is just early days.

Give her space to grieve for easy/small primary, secondary is a big step.

Encourage her to join clubs etc to fill the empty time at lunch.

Shame she must be feeling really daunted right now. I remember when I went to secondary with not 1 person I knew it was awful initially but it didn't take long for me to start getting to know people and form friendships.

Just remind her there are going to be many other children feeling the same once they start having proper classes and sitting next to people and having to work together and doing team sports she will form friendships.

I wish her all the best!

Thanks everyone - logical me knows she'll be fine, she's a nice kid and it was only day 1, but I've got no frame of reference - my school was tiny & there were only 25 children in whole year (7 girls) so everyone just got on more or less.
Lots of positive affirmation over the weekend.....

Following with interest.
DD begins at her secondary (all girls) on Monday, and is super anxious about making friends.
how has your DD been over the weekend @Drywhitefruitycidergin ?

It was only the first day so won't have met all the children she will have in different classes yet, give her time. In my child's school sports clubs and other extracurricular are announced after a couple of weeks so she may not know the times yet.

What she will probably find is that people stick like glue to primary school friends for the first few weeks, then old friendships start to break down and new ones form.

If she can find people to start talking to - acquaintances- for now and join some lunchtime clubs, real friendships will form in time. Takes a couple of terms to really settle down ime.

I imagine she'll get to know people and feel a lot more comfortable over the next 2 weeks.

To form actual stronger friendships will probably take a term.

Obviously though it's different for every child and pre teen/teen friendships can be pretty fluid. The girls who know each other from Primary school may not stay in their original friendship groups anyway.

My DD found the first week really stressful and tiring, she was fine after a few weeks though!

It might help a bit when she starts her normal timetable as lots of teachers will put them in seating plans which will mean speaking to different people.

It's worth making contact with the form tutor as well just to say how she is feeling. He or she might be able to spot other girls with similar interests and encourage introductions.

Encourage her to go to any clubs as well, even if the activity itself is not necessarily her thing. Clubs at school tend to attract kids who are looking to be sociable and meet new people.

First few weeks are all about settling into new routines. Definitely encourage her to join clubs and try to meet a range of new people, rather than expecting instant friends.

Both my DC went to secondary school with large number of primary school friends, however beyond the first few days this turned out to be fairly irrelevant. I appreciate it's scary for your DC if everyone else seems to know other people, but chances are a lot of them are clinging together out of familiarity.

I would say it took DS until Easter of Year 7 to be truly settled, and he didn't move into an enduring set of friends really until Year 9.
On the other hand, DD made instant friends with 3 other girls and 2 of them are still her closest friends at the end of Year 11.

Friendships for my 2 have very much ebbed and flowed as well - the idea of having a fixed friendship group really hasn't proved the case. A lot of DD's current friendship group was made in Year 10 and Year 11, and her best friend now was a girl she's actually known since they were both 7, but neither were friends with each other until they got to 14!

It’s pretty fluid Dd 2 in year 9 is on her third group dd1 group settled and established in year 9 too. Be prepared for a few false starts til they find their tribe

Totally agree with @adderadderankerchief .
My son started school not knowing anyone else and it didn't take long before he had people to talk to but really until year 9 until he had what I would call a proper friendship group. This probably took longer due to being out of school for some of year 7 and most of 8 due to COVID.

DD was lucky, she clicked with a girl during introduction day and they kept contact during Summer holiday. And she was glad that she only had 2 others from her primary school in her form, she was desperate for new friends.

She liked going to clubs after school/lunch even if nothing really stayed but it gave her a start to find her feet. The form teachers also did a lot of icebreaking activities, so they started talking to each other outside their old comfort zones.

Def encourage clubs and being the one starting a conversation, there will be more children not knowing people and too shy talking to others.

Thanks for continuing to share your experiences.
I walked Dd1 to bus stop this morning and it turns out someone in her form lives on the next street to us so have encouraged number swapping & spoke to other child's dad about them being able to go together. They might not be lifelong friends but at this stage it's a start to help her feel more comfortable & confident.

My DD knows no one in yr7 and has been so anxious and upset about starting in yr 7. I’m just hoping it gets easier as she gets used to it. She’s quite a shy and anxious child, so think it will be a bit of a struggle at first. 😞

I planned to drive DD partly as a treat on her first day but before I could even offer it she was already out of the house.

I was lucky I insisted on a photo prior to breakfast.