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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Do I mention this or see what happens?

23 replies

madnessitellyou · 14/07/2022 12:43

Dd2 is going to be in y7 in September. Not huge school, 6 form entry, most of her class (and most of the other y6 class at her primary) are going.

She's been really excited, but that's all changed after her transition day. They are taught in forms and there are only two from her class in the form. One's a boy she's never mentioned in the 7 years she's been at her primary and the other is a girl who is mostly certainly not a friend. The girl has done all sorts, including stealing from dd and forcing dd's friends to not play with dd. There's another boy from the other y6 class but the rest were all from another school.

Her friends have all been placed in another form, together.

Part of me wants to ask the school to reconsider now. Part of me wants dd to be a little more resilient and try to make new friends. Indeed, I've said this to her. Part of me thinks see how it goes, but don't hesitate to intervene if it isn't working.

Any suggestions? I don't know of it's the primary who have suggested dd isn't with her friends, or the secondary that's done something more arbitrary.

OP posts:

HonorHiding · 14/07/2022 14:24

DD had an awful Y7 for very similar reasons (but smaller school so it was even harder to avoid the known bullies). We eventually had to move her to another school in Y8, where she has thrived.

Honestly, in your shoes I would mention it now.

Forestdweller11 · 14/07/2022 14:33

yes, mention it now. They might not be able to do anything /they might have a reason for it but you need to know either way

TeenDivided · 14/07/2022 14:33

I would mention it.

Dear tutor, I want to let you know that tabitha came home from the transition day a bit worried. She isn't in a class with any of her friends from primary, and in fact she has a bit of negative history with the only other girl from her school. Because school does all y7 lessons in tutor groups this is worrying her. I expect tutor groups are complex to sort, but it would put my mind at rest to know you will keep an eye out to ensure she is helped to mix in with everyone else.
Kind regards

TeenDivided · 14/07/2022 14:34

Having said that, friendship groups change a lot in y7 so there is no reason why it shouldn't be fine.

spiderlight · 14/07/2022 14:37

Email or ring them today. Don't leave her with this hanging over her all summer. We had similar - DS was placed in a form away from all his friends and with a child who had bullied him since Reception, and whom we had specifically requested that he not be placed with. I emailed the teacher in charge of transition and he was moved into a form with his friends immediately.

Original poster

madnessitellyou · 14/07/2022 15:00

The more I think about it the more I think I should mention it. Dh thinks leave it.

@TeenDivided That's my thought too - friendship groups change so much.

OP posts:

TeenDivided · 14/07/2022 15:10

What outcome do you want? Heads up to the tutor, Reassurance, or a move if possible?
Is the issue being with this specific girl, or not already being friends with others in the class?
Do they really have all lessons in tutor, or just some? Don't they at least set for maths?
Are others in the class from a mix of schools or predominately just one?

It will be easier to move now than later, probably. But these unknown kids might be really nice.

Original poster

madnessitellyou · 14/07/2022 15:37

They are set by ability, that I know. From what dd tells me the majority are from one other school. In y7 they are taught in form. I'd like to know if that's the case all year. Ideally I'd like her to be with one friend. Her closest friends are all together, but she's friendly with others in the class, and not just boys. She also knows some of the girls in the other y6 class at her primary and is friendly with them, too.

She's not happy about being with the girl as is really worried - because this girl doesn’t have loads of friends - that "she'll force me to talk to her and not let me speak to my friends". We've spoken about being polite and friendly to everyone.

OP posts:

LadyDanburysHat · 14/07/2022 15:40

Where my DC go to school, and when I went to secondary school, they purposely didn't place you with friends. You meet new people and make new friends. I wouldn't mention it, I really don't think it will change anything.

TeenDivided · 14/07/2022 15:48

So would you be happy if she was moved from that form to one with anyone else from her school (or even no one from her school)?

You don't seem clear on whether the forms are made up of similar ability (I think that would be unusual), whether all teaching is in the form group, or which subjects will be set. That probably impacts what you are asking for.

Maybe write some points for yourself and phone asking for the y7 transition teacher (or whatever they are called in your school) to phone you?

Unbored · 14/07/2022 15:55

I would mention it, I know someone who did and her child was moved to another form.

TheDogTravelsByHelicopter · 14/07/2022 16:00

If they’re set by ability and taught in their form classes, I’m not sure they’ll be able to move her. She’s in the set/form that have a similar ability?

You could mention it and see. But keep in mind that kids make new friends. By Xmas of year 7, both my children had a whole new set of friends, maybe 1 or 2 from primary but mostly new. My friends kids were the same too. Most schools are really good at settling the kids in and getting them to talk to others they don’t know.

ILIWYS · 14/07/2022 18:20

The fact that she's not with any of her best friends on its own may not be a reason to contact the school, as they genuinely do make other friends in year 7. But I would be concerned about her being in a form with a girl who's essentially bullied her in the past, and I would definitely raise that with the school to see if there's any possibility of her being moved, or at the very least make sure they're aware of it. Most secondary schools are focused on pastoral care and year 7s settling in, and will be used to this kind of issue.

firefly123 · 14/07/2022 18:22

Mention it now. They may be able to move her

Elisheva · 14/07/2022 18:25

If it was just that she wasn’t with her friends then I would reassure her and encourage her to think positively about the new friends she would make. However I don’t think it’s fair to expect her to cope with a known bully while trying to navigate a new school, and I would definitely call the school and ask for her to be moved to a different form for this reason.

whoamitojudge · 27/07/2022 20:36

My DD had exactly the same problem when she started secondary and I emailed the school who were really helpful and moved her to another form.
By the October half term she had made friends with a completely new group of girls and had a huge argument with one of her ex primary school friends
(she’s 18 now, left home for her job just after her 18th and hasn’t kept in touch with any of them since the end of yr 11)

redskyatnight · 27/07/2022 21:28

I would leave it as well. If they are set by ability, then moving forms will likely not be possible. However, it does mean they won't be taught in tutor groups all year unless the school doesn't change the sets at all in the whole of year 7 (which would bother me more than the friendship thing).

I'd encourage your daughter to make new friends and she'll have the safety net of old friends at break/lunchttimes if she needs it.

watcherintherye · 27/07/2022 21:35

It might be a blessing in disguise, op. It often happens that children who were firm friends at primary school drift apart in secondary as some of them form new friendships, leaving former friends a little lost, especially if those children have been depending on their old friendship group.

Sweetleftfood · 28/07/2022 14:36

I would leave it, didn't even think of that when my ones were going, surely that's the whole purpose find new friends and she can still keep her friends from primary! My ones have a about 5 forms and they are all friends across the forms anyway so in the whole scheme it doesn't matter I don't think

Dewsberry · 29/07/2022 09:20

Ask nicely, once, and reassure her that if it doesn't work out something will be sorted. Even if they don't move her now, they likely would once there is a history of specific incidents happening while she is in their care.

They are massively more likely to settle into different tribes and end up ignoring each other (which is fine) than be forced together.

PineappleWilson · 29/07/2022 09:30

DS went to a secondary school where there were only 2 others from his primary attending, both girls. He had a sticky couple of weeks whilst he made friends but is fine now (going into Yr 9 this time). Flag it with the staff then they can keep an eye out for how she's doing, but there will be lots of students with no established contacts in those first days.

Original poster

madnessitellyou · 03/08/2022 15:41

So after all that, I decided to leave it. I'll keep an eye on it though.

She knows a few kids already there through an activity she does and has been chatting to them - they've told her lots of practical things that might allay some of her other fears. They've told her about some extra curricular stuff she'd like and she's keen to meet others that way.

Her older sister (who goes to a different school) gave her some tips on how to start a conversation (!) and things feel altogether more positive!

OP posts:

Fuuuuuckit · 03/08/2022 16:45

I wouldn't go in too hard about all her friends being in a different class. Having done transition and allocating forms, we very often have a very detailed 'Johnny shouldn't be put with Colin' and surprisingly often friendship groups are deliberately split if the y6 teachers think there are any imbalances within the group.

Definitely mention the bullying though, this is a biggie. At the very least it'll give them a heads-up for any potential trouble

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