How to help my pc game addicted child?

[AlwaysCheck]

Now I'm at my wits' end. My 11yr old DD is addicted to pc games and spends all her time either on watching others playing on YouTube or playing games herself. After SATs, she is very bored and plays more games! I tried to take her out to do some activities she used to like but 9 times out 10 she refused. She would rather staying at home alone playing games than doing anything else either in house or outside. When we were on holiday, she would watch Youtube on her phones or ipad and got frustrated when the internet was slow.

What should I do? Any fun activity for this age of girls? She doesn't like any sports. She used to like reading, music and going to cinema. Not any more. I'm very worried. What will happen when she starts y7? Any good suggestion?

I am normally an advocate for cold turkey but if she has 2 hours a day just stuck by herself with no one to talk to, that seems quite mean.

They say that the antidote to addiction is connection. Could either you or DH timetable 15 mins into your afternoon to talk to her as soon as she gets home from school? If she's had a bit of a brain dump about her day she might feel a whole lot better. Alternatively could you and DH timetable for one of you to finish reliably at say 5.30 even if that means doing a bit of work after dinner or starting work earlier? Then at 5.30 her screen comes off for the evening too and you do stuff together. Even if it's watching TV, there's a connection.

Think about whether there are any threads you can pull on from lockdown and if it is really "screens bad, analogue good" or a bit more nuanced. Would you be happy with her watching documentaries, or a drama series, drawing cartoons from YouTube tutorials, making stop motion films with Lego, playing chess online? Personally I wouldn't worry too much if she is on screens from 4-6, it's more about making the rest of the time count.

If you do go for screen limits when she is by herself, brainstorm activity ideas with her and put a list up on the wall. Has she got any craft kits she's never opened? Gather them somewhere accessible. If she fancies trying diamond art maybe buy her a set. If she fancies baking, get some ingredients, so that everything on her list is actually achievable to her. I like logic problem books sold like magazines, but I'm not sure they're much better than playing games on phones really!

Most DC want to speak to an adult after school and have tea. No parent or adult being available is not fair on her. Just providing a screen is asking for trouble and now the OP has it. DC don’t want to entertain themselves for 2 hours a day after school. That’s 10 hours a week. She’s missing stimulation from parents and friends and other adults. It’s not acceptable because she won’t make friends. At this age my DC were having swimming lessons, music lessons and dance after school. Plus a few other things! Certainly seeing friends. Doing homework too. I think lack of conversation and substituting a computer doesn’t work. She needs to do more with her time and not on her own every day.

Thanks for all the input. I know we only got ourselves to blame. I admit that.

1. About the afterschool club, she used to be there until 6pm everyday Monday -Friday before the pandemic and we didn't work from home. Now she doesn't want to go anymore since we are home. She prefer to come home and relax. He friends are not going anyway.


2. Homework. She is in a state primary and never gets much homework. No more homework or learning after SATs.


3. DH got lost of meetings in the afternoon when his American colleagues start working so he is much busier in the afternoon. I'm working for NHS and sometimes have to work late for the urgent cases. Unless one of us work part time, it's not very likely to give her full attention after 4pm.


4. We are probably a bit over protective when coming to the phoning/ texting her friends. She got a phone but only got our number. She is not allowed to text/phone her friends. She could do it on my phone so I can see the messages. We need to re-think about that.


5. Thanks for the suggestions. I think I get some ideas about the activities. She does ballet, swimming, foreign language and horse riding on the weekend morning. I signed her up for park run and she did it once. I will try to get her do more. But nothing happens at week day after school. I will investigate to see if I can find something for her.


6. Friendship issue. That's my another worry. It might not matter that much now because she only has less two months with current friends. They will go to different schools in September. But I'm still trying to arrange playdate for her. I will try harder.


7. I talked to DH and decided to limit her game time to the weekend. But she is allowed to watch TV/YouTube after school on weekday. Like many of you said, I need to find more activities for her and take her away from the screen.

Anyway, thanks again for all the suggestions.

@AlwaysCheck
Could she go home with a friend more often? Sometimes parents are ok with this until around 5.30 pm. I am surprised she’s not invited anywhere. It’s a bit late for after school club now but you need to think about her activities after school when she’s at secondary. What time is she coming home and when will she do her homework? She will
have it in September. You probably need to think about the holidays too. Can she spend time with friends? I can see she’s starting again in Sept so she’ll make new friends I hope.

My DD is 11 and an only child so I know where you're coming from. We have a rule of no devices Monday to Thursday night, luckily that was suggested to me by her best friends mum so she accepted it pretty easily knowing she wasn't alone. She could use her phone to check messages and emails, but no watching or playing anything. We do the same (until she's gone to bed at least 😄).

She doesn't finish school until 5pm and then she's usually in a sports club until 6pm so by the time she's come home, had dinner, had a shower, sorted out her bag for tomorrow it's not far off bed time anyway. She can use Alexa so she'll listen to an audiobook, music, or practice her instrument with free evening time.

Friday night is movie night for the family so while that's screen time it's also family time.

Weekends she can use her phone and play games all she wants but I let her know on Saturday and Sunday roughly what we're doing that day, if we're going out somewhere and tell her it's up to her how she manages the rest of her time. We try and meet up somewhere with family or a school friend just to get out the house.

Also, not all screen time is the equal. I really don't mind her playing games like Fortnite, especially if it's in a squad with her friends, it's great to hear them all chatting and organising themselves. Watching video games is another story, I can't stand these YouTubers and when I see it I'll try and distract or ask to play a 2 player game or something with me.

...and I didn't see you mention it but if she's on social media then absolutely cut that out and block it from the router. There's never a time for that.

Tldr: restrict school nights, sign up to after school clubs, fill up the weekend with going out, let her play in any time she finds in between. No social media.

You need some after school activities or childcare for her TBH. The screens are a red herring here.

I do get it because I WFH and have similar with my DC between 3.30pm and 5pm. But I have two DC and they play with each other. They also have friends in the street and play with them in the afternoon after school. DH and I are always finished work by 5.30pm (DH is usually 4.30pm) I do let my kids largely entertain themselves until tea time. But then after 6pm I am sending them to go and play or doing something with them.

I think you need to either find something for her to do after school and then let her game after tea or make sure you or DH are completely finished with work by 6pm to give her your full attention. It's not fair to remove what she enjoys and just expect her to entertain herself all afternoon and evening.

But I'm still trying to arrange playdate for her. I will try harder

She's really too old to have a parent arranging playdates. Certainly once she gets to secondary school, she and her mates will be making their own arrangements.

Is her secondary school near enough for her and her friends to pop into each others houses on the way home? Or stop off for a milkshake or look round the shops? Those are all activities which will develop naturally as she gets older and provide alternatives to screen time.

Yes, I do have concerns about her struggle with friendships. Unfortunately her best friends at school all moved home and changed school from year 2. Probably just bad luck. She has another 2 friends to hang out at school. Other kids on the same street are either too young or too old.

Regarding the high school, she is lucky to get into a private school in Hammersmith and we live in Ealing. She is quite shy and not the one to speak first. Fingers crossed she will find some friends in the new school. No one in her current school will be there as most of them will join a local high school.

I'm trying to finish early during the week and do something with her after she comes back from school. Thanks again for all the suggestions.