12 year old mental health

[teaandtoastplease]

I did a lot of research on the secondary schools in our area before applying for places for dd1. She's in year 7 at an academy free school. It's only been open since 2020 so only 2 year groups at the moment. They do additional lessons which are usually only offered at private schools, the academy umbrella has an excellent reputation for standards, discipline and children achieving above average exam results (in our area)

Dd is doing very well at school, her teachers were very positive about her at parents evening, she is exceeding national targets. Her head of year has been very supportive when there have been some minor issues. (homework and being overly chatty) The school has very high expectations for the children's behaviour, they have silent corridors for example. The school is very strict, which I believe Dd needs.

The problem I have is that Dd is absolutely miserable there. She has lots of friends and is adamant that isn't being bullied. She keeps asking me to transfer her to the secondary school near us. I have tried explaining to her what the advantages of her school are and that any school she goes to will also be strict etc, but she is getting increasingly negative about anything and everything to do with school. She won't engage in a proper conversation about how she is feeling, just repeats that she hates it and wants to move.

The school she wants to move to has a bad reputation locally, has poor ofsted results (2018), and gcse results are the lowest of all the schools in our area. It has however performed better since a new head teacher was appointed in 2020.

She has friends in the school and they are doing well there. I know some parents who have children in that school who are very positive about it and say that the school doesn't deserve the reputation it has.

I do still think that dds current school was the right choice, but if she hates it and is miserable, she won't thrive there. I am planning on speaking to her head of year again as she is already aware that Dd wants to transfer.

I just don't know what to do for the best. Has anyone else been in a similar position? I would be grateful for any advice.

And does she hate it and is she miserable, or is that just 12 year old dramatics?

If this is a new thing, I'd try and get her talking about what school is for and what's going wrong and why she thinks a new school would be better/different. And then I'd wait a couple of months and review the situation.

Have you met her school friends?

However if this has been going on a while and she is clearly unhappy then yes, I'd move her.

You need to get to the bottom of what it is she doesn’t like at the school - teachers? Rules? Other kids? Otherwise she may find the new school has exact same issues.

It sounds like it was the right choice for you. Your OP is all about what you wanted for her schooling, which is fine at primary but at secondary you have to take your DC's personality into consideration and it doesn't sound like you've really done that. She's at a school where they are expected to walk between classes in utter silence or be punished and your DD is having issues with being to chatty. See the link? There's nothing wrong with teachers reining in kids that talk too much in class but this school sounds ridiculously oppressive and your DD is miserable because she can't be herself out of class. Listen to her and let her move.

I would consider moving her. But tell her you will only consider moving her if you can fully understand what is wrong, and to do that she will need to engage in a proper conversation with you about it. If she wants to be involved in what is a mature decision, she needs to be mature and talk to you. Let her know you are on her side, you love her and are willing to listen.

Don’t judge too much on Ofsted inspections. My child’s school swaps between outstanding and good and there are lots of issues with disruption in lessons, bad behaviour, bullying, bad management, even drugs and weapons being brought in etc. To latest ofsted report does not represent the school my children attend in any way. My son came through it well, achieving great results and my daughter is currently doing well.

An unhappy child will not do well anywhere. I hope you get it sorted and your daughter is more settled soon whatever decision you make.

I would say no. She wants to move to a less effective school so she can chat and mess about more.

I chose my high school, it wasn’t the one my DM wanted me to go to, and it didn’t have the best reputation. But it was the best school for me, I loved it and never had any trouble.
I’d move her now so she has chance to settle before choosing GCSE’s, she’s nearly done a whole year and isn’t happy.

Or maybe just be able to utter a single word walking to and from different classrooms! My kid isn't the chatty kind but even they would struggle not being able to speak moving around their school all day.

Interesting, a school in our academy tried the silent corridors and decided against it after a trial period. They felt it wasn’t creating the friendly environment they wanted for their school. I think silent corridors are dreadful. If kids are suffering any anxiety or even need to borrow a pen from a friend, a chat in the corridor on the way to the next lesson can really help. Also breaks and lunchtimes are often so short now, the kids do need time to talk to their friends, it’s an important part of school.

Interestingly

Have a real think about what her school day really involves. She is there for 6ish hours and only allowed to talk socially for what 45 minutes a day?

How much time does she have to socialise with peers , face-to-face outside of school in a non-structured way?

Could you do a day like that at work? Would you want to? During a time when you are developing and meant to be learning social skills?

Our classrooms have 'professional corridors', you can't mill around talking yo your friends blocking the way but as long as you are getting to your classroom on time a chat on the way is fine.

The silent corridors thing is interesting. It barely registered with me when we looked at our local Michaela equivalent but it was one of the things that really put ds2 off - and he's a very well behaved unrowdy kid who never causes trouble. He ended up choosing a more traditionally "strict" school and is very happy there (he hates low level disruption so we were looking for a school that worked to minimise that).

Thank you everyone, your opinions are really helpful. I'm going to have a good chat with her about how she's feeling, and take it from there.

How are the school dealing with the minor issues you mentioned? What's the consequence for being "overly chatty" at a school like this? In fact what is "overly chatty" at a school like this?
One of our local schools is an academy with a similarly strict behaviour policy. Silent. Corridors etc. My DS would have been MISERABLE there. Luckily we had another decent choice but I'm not sure I could have sent him there even if the other options had worse results etc.

I'm in 2 minds re silent corridors.

DD found changing classrooms very stressful due to the large numbers of pupils all bigger than her, and the noise. I suspect it would have been easier for her if they had been silent.
On the other hand a short break to let off steam and chat while moving classrooms seems beneficial too.

OP - if she hates school she won't do her best whatever the opportunities it theoretically offers and could well mess with her emotional well being. I'd try to get more info from her, but it sounds as if moving might well be a good plan.

I am currently going through exactly the same thing with my 12-year-old. She is at a traditional strict private school with absolutely gorgeous grounds, very nice classmates and door-to-door bus service. She has lots of friends at the school and is definitely not getting bullied. In fact, she's quite popular.

BUT she absolutely hates school and has been begging me for almost the whole year 7 to move her to another private school, but one which is non-selective, more laid back, has much weaker GCSE and A-level results and is much harder to get from our house (no door-to-door bus service and much earlier start).

She hates the fact that her current school is strict and she keeps getting into trouble with teachers for relatively minor things. She says the teachers "hate" her (she's not particularly academic and is also very chatty).

After A LOT of begging her to reconsider and stay where she is given all the positives, she still wanted to move, so (very reluctantly) I gave in and am moving her to this more laid back school. Let's see how it goes.

i think an unhappy child will not do well regardless how great the school is on paper.

And silent corridors are ridiculous. Any school that enforces this is horrible.

Myself, dd and dh have had a good talk today about the reasons she wants to move and what is making her so unhappy at school. I used the advice I got here and she was much more open with us.

I do agree with people who think silent corridors are a step too far, however in our area most schools have this rule in place ; including the school she wants to move to.

I really took on board the advice I was given and it definitely helped me to see things from dd's point of view. The priority has to be her mental health, she opened up a lot about it and how low her mood is. (There are other factors contributing to her mental health not just school)

I am going to contact the school she wants to move to and get the ball rolling to see what options she has, and for us to go for a look around. All I want is for her to be happy and do her best. So thank you everyone for your help.