Why does the 11+ make good people do bad things?

[11negative]

(Name change for anonymity)
Is S.W. London particularly toxic for the 11+? The parents lying about the levels of tutoring, misinformation, false claims about schools, false details on applications, spreading of rumours, lying about offers or claiming they’ve “withdrawn DC” from second stage rather than admit they were successful. WTF? What happened to all the lovely people?

I didn’t experience any of this with my children. The common sense answer though would be that some parents will do anything to ensure that their child gets the best education possible.

I wasn't aware it did. We didn't see any of that, but to be fair, I wasn't very interested in what other people were doing.

I concentrated on supporting my dc and making sure he didn't feel stressed.

Not exclusive to SW London. I am in West Kent and some people really do go a bit bonkers with it all. They lose sight of the fact that the school with the best academic record may not be the right school for their child. They truly believe that they must get their child into such and such school at all cost.

But most of them hide this. I know one mum who constantly criticised the whole process. Was highly critical about the local super selective girls school. Would run it down to anyone who would listen. Actively encouraging other parents to opt for the non super selective grammars. Guess where her dd is going in September?

I found it made for some very tense coffee mornings with school mums where kids who has been friends for years in primary were then applying for different secondaries - some to grammar, some not, and the non-grammar applicants thought it was divisive.

But as for ‘lying’ about children’s tutoring - it’s not anyone’s business surely how much tutoring a parent chooses to arrange for their own child. Just crack on with your own plans for your own children and perhaps don’t be so bothered about what other parents are doing?

It's up to you to decide what you do. Why are you asking anyone anyway?

I have found it's the ones who are digging and delving for information, looking for benchmarks against which to compare themselves against you - and everyone else - that are the worst!

Head down, do whatever you think is right for your child and ignore the rest of the pack.

We side stepped all that, entirely

Just did the test without the drama

I worry some children and families are damaged by the process. It can’t be helpful to the children if they hear the parents lying about their kids’ achievements.

Have you read John O'Farrell's "May Contain Nuts"? Set in SW London and will make most of the parents you know seem quite well-behaved!!

Yes I know exactly what you mean!! It’s crazy around here. Some people are obsessed with getting their kids into the most academic school possible - they seem to think that it pretty much guarantees top grades and top universities and often miss the point that the school gets those grades largely because it selects very bright children in the first place - those children would get the same grades in any good school.
I’ve seen it all 😂 The planning and tutoring starting years beforehand, the whispered discussions of ‘tactics’ between parents at the school gates for getting into these hallowed schools etc etc
Honestly some of the things I’ve heard people do and say to their children to get them into the likes of St Paul’s for example come pretty close to child abuse in my opinion.
Must read that ‘may contain nuts’ book now 🤣

It's not so crazy where I am, as we have very good comps luckily, but just had one pushy mum moaning on Next Door about how someone charged £85 an hour for online tutoring then when someone challenged her about you know it's optional, she went on a rant about well you know for us parents who cares about our children ... didn't go down well I find it quite amusing really but feel sorry for some of the children who are pushed too much

It’s precisely because it is a competitive process. They get locked in and the frenzy builds.

Like ducks. They eat far more than they need just because they are competing with other ducks to get there first.

They think that something competed for must intrinsically be better, and especially because if the phrase ‘local comp’. In our neighbourhood had ‘local comp’ been known as ‘outstanding academy’ (which it was) fewer parents would have got sucked into the frenzy for places a bus snd train ride away where the results were the same as the top set in the local comp / outstanding academy.

Plus snobbery / insecurity if they can’t afford the private education they themselves had / etc

i agree OP. I think that some parents in London lose the plot. i have friends in Bucks and Kent who say the same thing though. Also, i think that the grammars have photo I~D to stop siblings/friends taking exams etc... Madness. We decided to take the Tiffin exam and actually left the line as child was completely freaked out by some of the parents actively coaching the kids in the line. i don't think that sort of pressure on a 10 year old is good in any way.

Very happy that I don't live in a grammar school area and my DC didn't have to go through all of this! It sounds horrendous.

So true about the ‘local comps’. I think they are all outstanding (or at ‘worst’: “good” 😱) in SW London. Full of lovely children and inspiring teachers too.

I’m in SW London and I agree. The levels of secrecy/ very controlled information sharing in years 5 and 6 were amazing. Because suddenly parents see all their friends kids as potential competitors. Someone on another thread said Squid Game was a good metaphor for e 11plus, I had to laugh.