How to reassure DS re secondary?

[MsMarch]

We have two excellent secondary schools nearby. I just typed up a long description of both and have deleted as it's not relevant. The key point is that DS applied for, and was accepted into, one school - he liked it better, liked the culture and the ethos and we all agreed they are more geared up for him. However, ALL his friends are going to the other school (it's a traditional, well regarded all boys school vs his modern, co-educational school).

He's really struggling. Worries he'll never make new friends (making new friends IS hard for him, but not impossible - he can and has done it before). He's sobbing every night.

We could probably attempt to get him into the other school - we live so close that if we requested a transfer we might get to the top of the list - but I don't think making a decision like this should be based on the friends he has when he's 10. On the other hand, it's not like it's a bad school.

Any advice on how we can help him? I just remembered that they do PE with Rugby one term, football one term and cricket one term and it's compulsory so I might remind him how much rugby stresses him out (sensory issues - he's actually quite good, but can't stand the mud!) and how he hates cricket. Any other ideas?

It's really normal for friendships to change at secondary and they would split them between different forms, so he might not be with any of them in lessons anyway.

Does he do anything else like clubs outside school where other kids might be going to his school? Or do you know anyone with an older child already there who could chat to him about the school?

When he is calm you can remind him of all the reasons you liked his school.

Hi OP, DD has got into a school which was her first choice and amazing for her but none of her primary friends are going. She seems ok about it. I’ve found a few friends of friends with girls going to the new school so we are meeting up before she starts. Is that an option for you? There might be a local FB group where you could ask if there’s others in the same boat. DD does a few extra curricular activities where she’s the only one from her school so she’s made friends with others that way and knows it’s possible if you know what I mean.

@BendingSpoons

It's really normal for friendships to change at secondary and they would split them between different forms, so he might not be with any of them in lessons anyway.

Does he do anything else like clubs outside school where other kids might be going to his school? Or do you know anyone with an older child already there who could chat to him about the school?

When he is calm you can remind him of all the reasons you liked his school.

All of these things. we do remind him and he AGREES. But then it gets to bedtime and he's inconsolable.

HIs best friend and him do a sport activity together so they'll still see each other regularly (and live very close together so can hang out too).

He knows people AT the school already which hasn't helped him. Although you've made me think - there's a girl in leadership position at his sports activity who started at his school for a-levels so maybe I could have a quiet word with her and ask her to have a quiet word with him. Good shout, thanks.

Just be reassuring, its only been what, one day? He needs time to get used to the idea. You'll probably find his anxiety dies down for a bit and will well up again after Easter when they all start doing preparatory visits and talking about it again. But then at least he should be able to visit the school and it will become a known quantity rather than something to dread. If there's any chance of him getting to know any other children who are going before September that might reassure him also.

Its worth pointing out that a good friend can still be a good friend, even if they don't go to your school.

It depends how confident your child is tbh. We were in this position last year . My younger DS didn’t get offered a place at the same school as his elder brother and all of his school friends. He is generally a very resilient, confident kid and initially was very stoic about it. First week went brilliantly, but downhill from there and we had tears every day. He has made new friends but still misses his old friends dreadfully. If both schools are academically equal and it’s possible to request the other school I’d request it in a heartbeat. There is enough anxiety starting secondary not to mention everything that comes with the teenage years that anything we can do as parents to minimise that is worth a shot! Don’t underestimate the importance of friends and self confidence in relation to learning is my two penny worth!

Didn’t everyone just find out yesterday?

I would also seriously consider changing if possible.

Academically, the other school is better. But it’s much less inclusive, less strong on SEN and much lower variety of activities etc. - it’s a traditional boys school. If I thought it would make no difference, I’d definitely mov him. But I DO think the other school is better for him. So does DS, which is why he chose it. It’s just the reality is kicking in…..

If you do think it would be better for him then I think you should at least try it. Yes you might have a rough few months but that's better than a rough 7 years.

@BoredZelda

Didn’t everyone just find out yesterday?

Because we live so close to the school, we officially found out on Tuesday, yes, but there was zero doubt we’d get in. I’d guess we’re in the top 10% in terms of distance, if not less. SO as we got closer to th official announcement day, he was getting more and more stressed. Unfortunately, the other school is practically on top of his primary school so almost all the boys in his class who wanted to go there could (including DS). So for the boys in our area there’s not a lot of worry about whether they’ll get in or not for either school.

Even if all his mates go to the same school they could be in opposite sides of the year and make new friends meaning that at break and lunch they are hanging round with new people.

Both my children went to a secondary that none of their friends did. They knew this before they went. Ds1 is introvert and made friends within the first two weeks, stayed with that friendship group all the way through secondary, sixth form and now some of them are at the same uni as him. They all still meet up as a group with the others coming up to that uni.

Ds2 is quirky, unusual, and he was the one I was most worried about. He is now year 11, has had the same 4 boys as friends, others have come and gone but that 4 core has remained again since about week 2 or 3 of school.

Lots of children end up going to schools that their mates are not at. That doesn't mean you discount it. Schools work hard on friendships in year 7 and there are loads of clubs they can join where they make friends too. Secondary is a huge deal at this minute because it is combined with the realisation that the familiar primary set up is coming to an end. I would just keep reassuring him. There should be a transition day in July where all the yr6s go to their secondary school for the day with their new class. He may love it.

His worry about making friends at secondary is super common. My children all worried and thought that there was no way they'd have lots of friends like at primary.

It's very common for primary school friendships to end in secondary. Kids develop different interests and meet new people who are more like the new them. My ds went to the same secondary school as his best friend in primary. They are in the same form but with 240 in a year, they met new people and became friends with them. They are acquaintances these days and that's fine with them.

As part of transition, the new school sent some homework which was a list of common worries about starting secondary and to come up with some possible solutions. For example, how will I remember what homework is due when? The answers were discussed at one of the sessions on transition day.

Do you know anyone at secondary already? Your son might feel better hearing from someone who's gone through the process. My son was in this position of advising and he said enjoy year 6 and you have to trust the process. Everybody is new and nervous but there's more potential new friends at secondary as it's bigger so be brave and go for it when the time comes. He had reassuring practical advice like teachers walk you to your next class at the start which people with older siblings at the school obviously benefit from.

I don't know how much it helped to talk about the fact that change is a part of life. Adults start new jobs and worry about their new colleagues etc and this is hard but unfortunately necessary.

Thank you all. Everything you've all said is right. I know it, and deep down, I think he does too. The reality is that I can tell him all of this and reassure him but until he actually starts meeting new friends etc, he will have these natural concerns. He has calmed down a bit - as a PP suggested, it's the immediate panic. I suspect it will reassert itself at intervals over the next few months and we'll just have to keep riding it out.

The introduction day in July helped my DS .. only 4 from his primary were going to the new school and none of them friends...but he recognised much more when he got there from local activities cubs/sport etc which reduced his worry...
Definitely stick to the one that has a better pastoral feel if u can...so important ..

Because we live so close to the school, we officially found out on Tuesday, yes

So, “crying every night”, but you found out one day prior. A tad over dramatic.

I think you've misunderstood that sentence Bored Zelda? You've only quoted half of it. OP was in no doubt he'd get in.

It’s natural to feel nervous about secondary school. Have the primary school talked about it with them to reassure them?

In my experience it’s better for them to make new friends when they go to secondary rather than hanging onto their old primary friends.
DDs secondary school preferred to put them all into different forms in Y7 as they wanted them to mix, I was fine with this, but some of the primary parents made a fuss and their DCs got put in the same forms. It didn’t help their children, and in fact they struggled more to adjust. Same for DS, he has made new friends. It is a good skill to learn.

As others have said, change is part of life, and something we have to see the positives in. It’s stressful but also exciting.

Crying every night does seem a strong reaction. Has he overheard you talking about the pros and cons of the schools, or have you mentioned your own worries?
I was quite careful not to talk negatively about their secondaries in front of the DCs and kept all conversations positive and upbeat, so they didn’t pick up on my worries.

Can you ask the school if they put anything in place for kids that are the only one joining from their school? I would imagine they make a special effort to make sure these kids are included socially. Seem to remember a friend's child attended a few days of a fun summer school at the new secondary especially for this purpose.
Thinking about my own children. DS hung around with his primary school friends for the first year then made a whole new set of friends that he clicked with more. DD in Y7 has also tended to cling the people she knows from primary initially but is slowly branching out to make new friends. I think if they had both been thrown in at the deep end it would have just sped up the making new friends process, though of course very nerve racking to start with!

I’ve not read the thread but have you talked to him exhausting that you will make sure he Kai’s contact with his old friends out of school.
Not the answer, but important.

Oh yes just remembered that the local secondary school do a summer activity week for the new Y7 intake, it was very well received last year. Gave them a chance to meet up before they started. Also at DDs school the PTA do a picnic meet up for new Y7 parents. See if there is anything like this at your son’s new school, it all helps.

Yes, @BoredZelda, as @Marynotsocontrary said, the crying started before - we knew we were in. It suddenly hit home when other children were talking about getting official notification in a few days (some were less confident that they'd get their first choice because of where they live).

The school have sent a letter outlining some initial plans and intro sessions which I need to show him and I know his primary is planning discussions re high school etc. I'm just trying to keep reminding him of all the good things and that he will still be able to see his old friends etc.