Why don't private school parents decide preferences in advance?

[TeenPlusCat]

I am regularly (i.e. every year) surprised by threads here asking after offers have been given which of 2 or 3 or 4 schools they should choose for their DC.

Why don't they / you decide beforehand? Surely you have looked round etc? (at least in non Covid times). Do you not have in your mind list that goes something like:
A is our ideal, though DC might not get offered
B will be next, DC would be a good fit
C would still be fabulous, even though it is a bit pushy and music is weak
D is a good school still worth paying for over and above state option

Parents applying for state have to decide preferences by end October. Why are indie parents so indecisive?

Most would but experience during the assessment process and reputation may come to bear during the waiting period.

Schools were shut for tours for the past two years, so anyone in Y6 now would have missed all school visits in Y4, Y5 and most of Y6.

Some may value parents' personal experience over what you see on a typical Open Day/Assessment Day which is heavy marketing these days.

Sometimes the choices are not obvious if you don't get your top priority schools.

It's just nice to be able to talk openly with people, irl you can't be as honest (about money or children's abilities)

Because you don't know in advance which school they will get into so you very carefully make sure there isn't a favourite everyone set their heart on.

Because they can't get their (or their dc's) hopes up in advance. You never know which schools will offer a place. You can only start to decide which to choose if you get more than one offer.
My experience is with elite dance schools, but I'm sure that the same applies to all private schools, especially if you are looking for a sporting scholarship or similar.

It's just nice to be able to talk openly with people, irl you can't be as honest (about money or children's abilities)

I can absolutely see why discussing on MN is helpful, just unsure as to why people appear to leave it so late.

You can only start to decide which to choose if you get more than one offer.

You can as parents have an order of preference in mind before offers surely? Or maybe parents can't think about things when there are too many unknowns, and thus need the offers to simplify/clarify the thinking?

I think ginger maybe has it though. Even parents don't want to get their hopes up, so even the parents actively don't think about it in advance (or don't admit to thinking about it) so then they don't have to acknowledge disappointment?

All offers are not equal though. It's not quite the same as choosing a state school. I remember with DS2 getting an offer from both schools he sat for and the more expensive one offered a scholarship that made it cheaper than our preferred school (only slightly more preferred than the other though). With DD our very much preferred school offered her a place and we immediately pulled her from other exams. So, very different scenario.

So, you can have a preference but there can be other things that influence the final decision. Plus it's a big financial commitment, unlike state schools.

Looking at the school, facilities and "feel" is the same as choosing the right state school but there are other factors and risks attached.

It's utter nonsense to make out that "indie parents" are indecisive. MN is full of "state school parents" asking what preference order to put their chosen schools are so it's just the same but at a different time.

Apart from not wanting to set your heart on a favourite and be disappointed (with the need to hide that from your DC), there’s also a lot of variables. Perhaps your DC has an awful experience at one exam and decides they dislike that school, or they get offered a really substantial scholarship that you weren’t expecting (you can’t apply for academic scholarships, they’re just awarded), or they get a music scholarship at what was your second choice school but not at your first choice one, or there is some scandal at one of the schools or your DC ends up on several waiting lists some of which are more likely to move than others. All those can change the order of preference and the decision.

Having said that, I’m pretty sure of our decision, but am letting dd have half term as time to get her head around it, look at websites, go to taster days etc. she needs to be bought in to it.

I can see absolutely where offers contain scholarships/bursaries that could have a big impact.

It's utter nonsense to make out that "indie parents" are indecisive. MN is full of "state school parents" asking what preference order to put their chosen schools are so it's just the same but at a different time.

I was sort of only joking, hence my . I just find it sort of weird to wait until the 'last minute' rather than 'OK, you didn't get #1 but did get #2 so that's fab, lets accept it tomorrow^ kind of thing. Especially I think because of the 'exploding offers' I read of for one school.

I'm just distracting myself from EHCPs really.

Scholarships - are they all done these days on the standard entrance exams? When I did (or rather didn't) do CE years back, the scholarships were sorted in advance and if you got offered one you didn't need to sit CE.

@TeenPlusCat , yes you only know about the scholarship when the letter arrives. For some schools there is an indication at interview level but you don't know the success or % of scholarship until the post arrives.

The whole process is full of variables but what is striking year after year is that the top % of dc get offers from all their schools and many scholarships too and some of them end up rejecting all the offers and going to a grammar school - this movement occurs in early March. This is why all the schools over offer so much and why turning down an offer doesn't translate into a WL place being offered. Also turning down a scholarship doesn't mean someone else gets it next year, scholarships are also over offered.

It must be so infuriating to people on WL when others carry on holding offers rather than being decisive.

@TeenPlusCat. It’s not that easy. For instance, in our case we got 3 offers and we liked all 3 , but offer one is my favourite but further away and will impact family life and logistics of weekend sport etc . Offer two has amazing academic results but is a big school and i worry my child may disappear in such a big place being a very average child who doesn’t stand out. Also can a large school really be any good pastorally?? Number 3 is less academic but is smaller and local and gets above average results but not as good as 1 or 2 but the pastoral side is amazing!
All 3 schools have different days by which you have to decide and it’s usually only a few weeks.
This is of course a first world problem, but that’s our dilemma and why we ask parents with children already at those schools , for their input .

Scaffold I get the choosing, lots of parents going for state schools have to make those trade offs too, but make them way back in the autumn. As you say you only get a short time to decide after offers, so I am a bit surprised at people leaving it until now rather than having it sorted in their mind.

I guess the point is, because people can leave it late they do, just incase further information comes to light, plus also as PP said, so as not to be disappointed if the school you decide you prefer doesn't offer. Also I guess it seems like a 'bigger' decision because of the money involved.

@TeenPlusCat , WL is part of the process but the movement happens once the state school offers are out. As a parent you just have to accept the process and be part of it, asking someone to make a decision quickly has a minimal impact on a school's WL which moves mainly between the 28th Feb and 7th March.

With unis they get up to 5 offers and then they are invited to offer holder days to help them pick a top choice and a back up choice. The grades they are offered will affect what they choose too. So similar to private schools in a way (but not completely the same so probably irrelevant

lots of parents going for state schools have to make those trade offs too, but make them way back in the autumn.

So, they make them when they need to. It's exactly the same. No more or less decisive just r a different time.

It’s also the psychology of decision-making. You may think you’d go for A, but in reality at a subconscious level you really prefer B but feel your child is less likely to get in so you end up thinking you’d go with A. Then your child gets an offer to B and you start re-thinking, and for good reason.
I appreciate you’re annoyed that people aren’t deciding quickly to free up spaces but it’s a huge decision, as you say and I know I’d release an offer as soon as I’d decided which I’m sure is the case for most.

I also think that quite a lot of people only seriously start to think about logistics/ relative level of fees etc when they have actual offers rather than just applications.

We went through this whole process last year and looking back the schools we'd had at the top of our mental list in October when we did our state application was completely different to the school we went for after the indie results/ state allocation day! In the end, we actually went with a combination of gut instinct and which school we'd always think "what if" about if we turned it down.

@taj0112

It’s also the psychology of decision-making. You may think you’d go for A, but in reality at a subconscious level you really prefer B but feel your child is less likely to get in so you end up thinking you’d go with A. Then your child gets an offer to B and you start re-thinking, and for good reason. I appreciate you’re annoyed that people aren’t deciding quickly to free up spaces but it’s a huge decision, as you say and I know I’d release an offer as soon as I’d decided which I’m sure is the case for most.

I think the psychology of decision making is a good point. However I'm definitely not annoyed people aren't deciding quickly. I have zero skin in the game, my DDs went to our local comp.

I wonder if it is harder when it is private and selective and in London with so much theoretical choice?
DDs primary fed into both comps in our town, so you could get up to date (ish) info on both at the school gate. Even then, there was some twitchiness from some parents if you were choosing the 'other' school from them - as if you thought their choice for their child was somehow wrong.
I could imagine people being much more cagey when there are selective tests and fees to consider, plus with so many options finding enough parents with considered views must be hard. There is always 'confirmation bias' too - once you have committed to a school you will be more convinced it is right, even if it was 50-50 at the decision point.

@TeenPlusCat apologies for making some of my assumptions - no offense intended!

I think as well is some of the financial stuff as you said. For us, our daughter tried for a private school for 7. At the start of the process I wasn’t too fussed if she got in and we realized it would be a tough decision financially but tbh decided to wait until we had a decision to make? She was fortunate and got a place, so at that point we turned to our budgets again to think. It’s amazing what a dose of reality actually does to thinking about your priorities.

I should have put in the title

You can tell what time of year it is by the MN threads on this board.

• y7s settling in
• state application time
• y11 mocks
• indie offers time
• GCSE options selection
• state allocation day
• GCSEs
• proms
• reports
• GCSE results
• and back to y7s again!

We never left it late. We always had a first choice preference and then second and third etc.

My DD applied to 2 independent schools. We went to open days in the autumn and asked her at the time which she preferred. She said there wasn't any point in preferring one as she might not get an offer from that one. I thought that was a fairly mature attitude. We also didn't want her to go into the interview for one knowing that she would rather go to the other as she might not seem enthusiastic in interview.

@taj0112 this is exactly what's happening to us! 😂 I ruled out choice B because I thought DC wouldn't get in & assumed we're going A. Now she's on the waitlist for A & accepted for B!? Total head!