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Secondary education

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Original poster

Telling DD she doesn’t have a place

15 replies

Saagaloo · 31/01/2022 20:10

Just seeking a bit of advice. Our DD sat for a couple of 13+ places (she is 10 at the moment). She got put on a waiting list for one and we are waiting to hear from the other, though I think it is highly unlikely she will get a place there as it is more desirable. She hasn’t been put under any stress through the process and thoroughly enjoyed the interviews and testing days. She is just really quite poor at maths and only did a little bit of prep. I wondered how other parents had told their children that they haven’t been offered a place? We don’t feel upset by it as we know something will come up along the line but we really don’t want her to feel like a failure.
Thank you for any sage advice x

OP posts:
applecrumbleforteaagain · 31/01/2022 20:22

But she hasn't failed yet? Keep everything crossed. And then if it is a let down it sounds like she will take it well.

Original poster
Saagaloo · 31/01/2022 20:25

I don’t think she has ‘failed’ at all Grin. But I am 99% sure that she won’t have an immediate place. She will be disappointed as she really liked both schools and I wanted to help her navigate all the hype that will be going on at her current school.

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SunsetsAndLollypops · 31/01/2022 20:28

I think just keep with the mentality in your op. It’s not a failure on her behalf, it’s ok to feel a bit upset or disappointed however there are other options and you are proud of her regardless.

applecrumbleforteaagain · 31/01/2022 20:45

Maybe clumsy terminology sorry! I meant I'd be waiting to work out how to tell her when I knew.. she could be the 1%!

But as the other poster said I think you've helped her enjoy the process and that's a massive experience in itself.

LIZS · 31/01/2022 20:50

Did you apply for state schools too? Or is she at a prep and can stay to year 8 so look at others?

Adastraperaspera · 31/01/2022 20:50

Rejection And Physical Pain Are The Same To Your Brain -www.forbes.com/sites/nicolefisher/2015/12/25/rejection-and-physical-pain-are-the-same-to-your-brain/?sh=19127a634f87
Do not let her feel any rejection.
I would just phrase it differently, for example, the school are still evaluating her and watching her grow etc. in the next year and you will just hear back later. It is just embellishing what waiting list actually means. Also emphasise how proud you are of her going there and making the most of the days and enjoying it.

Original poster
Saagaloo · 31/01/2022 21:08

Thanks folks. So tricky as whilst I think that it’s not necessarily a bad thing to feel some disappointment it’s made harder as the schools make such an effort to ensure you love the school so the children inevitably feel a bit gutted.

No LIZS we moved recently so she will stay at her prep school until 13 so has two years left there. She is very happy there too. We aren’t worried as we know something will come up either state or private.

Thanks Adastraperaspera. I agree with you but I feel like it is probably just delaying the inevitable. Also all her friends are quite aware of how the system works so I’m not sure if she would buy that. I will definitely make sure she knows we are proud or her as we most definitely are.

OP posts:
Zodlebud · 01/02/2022 07:15

Rephrase it. It’s not failing to get in. The whole process is about matching the RIGHT school to the child. If she doesn’t get a place then it’s not the right school for her and you get more time to find the one that is. Plus she now knows what to expect and is experienced so it was good to practice.

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/02/2022 07:21

@Zodlebud

Rephrase it. It’s not failing to get in. The whole process is about matching the RIGHT school to the child. If she doesn’t get a place then it’s not the right school for her and you get more time to find the one that is. Plus she now knows what to expect and is experienced so it was good to practice.
Yes this - I’d just say you found out these aren’t right for her, it’s a process of elimination - she did really well, and you’ll be exploring a few more to find the right one.

She’ll take her attitude from yin anyway. I never think exams are especially hard on people - it’s just making them more than they are. She’s obviously old enough to understand the system, but if she takes it in her stride not getting everything will stand her in good stead - into every life failure must fall etc.

NoLongerTroels · 01/02/2022 07:43

It's all in the wording. I'd say they have had so many really strong applicants, that they have had to put a lot of them including her on a waiting list. So it might happen but with so many on the list it might not. Then move on to where else she could be going.

Original poster
Saagaloo · 01/02/2022 08:52

The letter was worded really well. Essentially what you were saying NoloengerTroels but with a bit about her great interview and positive report. I read that to her and said it was fine and normal to be dissapointed but that we were incredibly proud of how enthusiastic she had been. Also mentioned that lots of children had done a lot of exam prep and we had made the decision not to and to enjoy other aspects of life. I felt it was important to acknowledge that as basically that is the crux of it and it allows her/us to prioritise differently in the future should she want to. There were tears but we had a good chat about looking forward to other options and then watched an episode of Queer eye Grin. It’s no fun but it’s just an aspect of life. She’s a really good kid and I do genuinely feel like they have missed out slightly. My nose is more snubbed that hers!

Thanks for all the advice. I didn’t want to hash it up. There is so much information on the actual process but very little on dealing with the fallout.

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Thirtytimesround · 01/02/2022 09:10

The terminology I keep using is “we are looking for the school that is the best for for you, they’re good in different ways and th tests help us figure out what kind of teaching will suit you.” Then it isn’t “you failed to get anplacr” it’s “they didn’t offer a place because it wasn’t a good fit.”

Original poster
Saagaloo · 01/02/2022 12:03

Thank you. We got the second ‘waiting list’ letter today but I think I will give it a few days before I let her know about that one. Mostly to give myself a breather so I can be rational about it.

OP posts:
LIZS · 01/02/2022 12:36

Presumably the prep school can advise how much movement there may be from wl and at what stage. Some pupils will hold multiple offers and not release places until later when deposits/fee advances are due. Also ask what other options might you have at 13+ entry ie which schools may assess in year 7 or 8.

Original poster
Saagaloo · 01/02/2022 14:55

Thank you. Yes I have ticked all those boxes and put the feelers out with her prep and any other potential schools. I’m not so concerned about that aspect more with ensuring that she is resilient enough for her self esteem not to take a blow.

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